Hello, its been about 4 years since i last posted on heart support and i wanted to update you all about how i am doing. I’m currently 23 and still alive. it has taken me a long time to accept that what i did to my ex was wrong( check my profile for my first post for context) I’ve been getting help with my addictions and finally have some stability in my life. i don’t let my past defy me anymore I’ve been able to push through my trauma and become a stronger man. but even with these achievements in my life, i still feel empty and i feel like that no matter how much progress i make, i cant escape my guilt and dread for everything that i have done in my life. i have ways to cope with this but sometimes i feel like I’m not human anymore like I’m just another body and not a human. i have a long way to go before i get to the point where i can feel free but ill continue to grow and rebuild.
Hey Steve,
It’s really nice to have you back here, and to hear that you’re still throwing punches and showing up for yourself, sharing your journey is a gift to everyone.
I read your post from a few years ago, and It adds alot of context to help me understand where your at, and I am SO happy that you are still alive and climbing your way to a place of being healthy. It takes a lot of courage to seek help, and you should be really proud of yourself for that.
I’m really inspired to hear about the realizations you’ve had about your past, and that you are taking responsibility for things that were really hard to accept - I believe being able to face ourselves, who we’ve been, and then choosing a new way forward is one of the hardest, but most important things we can do for ourselves and everyone in our lives.
I also see, this strength shining through when you tell me about how you don’t let your past define you anymore, and that is proof of what you are capable of, and that in those tough moments, you can think back to those hard times and remember the strength you had to push through, that’s massive.
I’m not a therapist, but I’m curious about that emptiness, and wondering if you’ve been able to talk to anyone about that, or you’ve come up with any ideas why you might feel that way? I’m asking because I don’t think that is something that you just have to accept and live with, I think there are ways forward for you to feel centred and grounded again.
With regard to the guilt and dread - and trying to escape, theres a few things here I am also curious about. I learned about something recenly that has kind of reframed how I think about my mistakes and the ways I speak to myself. The reality is, that yes we make mistakes as humans, and we have hurt people and they have hurt us, however to move forward, to grow and evolve and heal (which is what we all deserve) we must learn to find the positive in all of those scenarios. But many of us get stuck in this place of self flagellation - this belief that we must continue to pay for our mistakes, and we literally punish ourselves over and over again by replaying negative thoughts, and often times this just happens without us even knowing. Once I became aware that I was doing this to myself, I was able to start catching the negative story I had about myself, and began to write a new narrative. For example, just because I was a bad boyfriend to my last girlfriend, to the point that she left me, doesn’t mean that Im a failure, doesn’t mean that Im always going to be a bad partner, doesn’t mean that Im worthless - this is where I have to reframe things and realize that in fact that experience, those mistakes on my part are what I have to look at to decide who I want to become, how I want to behave differently in my next relationship - holding onto those old mistakes is only harming me, giving me anxiety, causing me to dissociate and leave my body, and ot actually face the hard truths about why I showed up in the way I did.
I know it feels like a daunting and long process, but If you ever have questions, I am just happy to be a support here, to listen and share some more of my story if you are looking for someone to bounce ideas off of!
hey @jfritzart , i appreciate you responding to my post. i wanted to say that I’m currently in therapy working on my guilt and all the emptiness I’ve been dealing with over the last 6 years. But i really do appreciate the comments you’ve made
Your update on this forum is so powerful, thank you for sharing. You’ve made such significant strides in your life, and acknowledging your mistakes and seeking help takes so much courage. Confronting our past can be so hard, especially so when it’s filled with so much regret and pain. The progress you made, even if it feels overshadowed by guilt is so important. Healing is a long, complicated process, it’s totally ok to feel the weight of what you’ve endured. Feeling disconnected from yourself can be part of this healing journey, especially when you’re still carrying guilt. But being aware of these emotions and still persevering and pushing forward everyday shows how strong you are. You are more than your past and every step you take in healing is a step you take towards regaining your humanity. You’re not alone in this friend, and even through the path is difficult and long, your progress shows just how strong you are.
Thanks for the encouragement Steve, Im excited to hear more about your journey as time goes on, cheers brother!