Reflecting on my life [Trigger Warning]

07/23/2022

Where do I even begin?

I’m sitting here typing this my life coming to me.
my mind bringing up my past.
my mind bringing up my trauma.
my mind bringing up how my past has broken me because of the emotional abuse.

  1. Early/late 2000’s
  • I remember being in a group session with my father, mother, and younger sister. i probably was around the ages of 8-11 years old. We were supposed to have a meeting with a guy to talk about our schedule on who I go with. it was kinda talked about . but there was a piece of information missing . and i was supposed to go home with my mother. I ended up getting upset, my mother being told to keep her car locked. Moments later The guy and my father picked me up by the arms and placed me in the car.
    this is something I haven’t been able to forget since i got an apology . the only sorry I got was from my mother.
  1. Early/late 2010’s
  • Around 2012-2014 ish became when I started battling the addiction of self-harm. I remember that night i had harmed myself in the car because i felt like "no one " cared about me. This had been a consistent thing off and on when I felt liked I fucked up due to my father yelling. I remember one time i had relapsed due to so much irl stuff back in 2016. Yeah i got grief counseling for that.
    last time i relapsed was back in 2017 which makes me 4 years 6 months 11 days clean now. But months after i made it about 5 moths clean i wanted to take my own life. i started but i stopped my self.
  1. 2010-2020
  • during these times especially when its so close to the 2nd decade , lifes been hard. from loosing family to not getting along with your dads significant other. its hard when x y z has to be done up to their standards. like your suppose to do this and that. One of the reasons why i stopped going on so many vacations with my father was because of his girlfriend. I am able to get along with her but the way she does/handles stuff it has been an issue with me so i had to reaccess. Its helped me reaccessing stuff but it really hasnt been easy.
  1. 2020-2022
  • Especially with the pandemic hitting , it hasnt been easy . 2021 probaly has probably bee titled it the start of hell. The start of my family issues with my father. The amount of times i made a phonecall where i broke down because my father did something to upset me . i feel like the list is just keeping on growing no matter what.
    +trying to hire people that werent needed
    +people trying to correct me on how i spoke.
    +making me go to therapy when i didnt ask to go (long story)
    +to me sevearly struggling bringing out my past causig more trauma , not seeing my dad for 3 weeks due to the fact that what he’d done didnt make me want to see him right away.

After these events, i havent been doing well . With what ive been dealing with , ive always been struggling. With what my father has put me through has been too much for me . With this, i have been trouble trying to accept love from other, have them show me love because when i feel like people do that right away i feel like the negative parts just get thrown back at me . I honestly dont know.

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Hey @all_around_ashley, thank you so much for being here and for sharing because that takes so much strength. I am so sorry to hear about everything that you are going through because that sounds so difficult.

It sounds like your dad has caused a lot of problems, so I am so sorry for that. I have had similar issues with my dad and it’s difficult because a lot of who we are comes as a result of the environment we are raised in. You deserve to be loved and have that safety, so I’m sorry that you do not feel that way. I have a lot of self-worth issues because of my childhood and not feeling like I deserve love because of that, so I can relate to you at least a little bit in that. It’s hard because that can kind of blur other relationships in our lives even when people genuinely love and care for us. I know I am just some internet stranger, but I want you to know that you are cared for and you are loved. I care for you and want the best for you. Something that has helped me is realizing that my worth and value does not come from others (especially my dad). It can be hard to always think that subconsciously, but I try to remind myself of that.

I don’t know your whole story, but just wanted to share some of these thoughts with you and let you know that you are not alone in this. Feel free to reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. Sending some good vibes your way. You are not alone :black_heart:

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hi ashley,

thank you so much for being here on this forum and for your vulnerability. i’m proud of you for making it through this life of perseverance you’ve led over the years, through all of the obstacles and successes, highs and lows. it’s understandable that with everything you’ve shared here that everything is sorta crashing down upon your shoulders. trauma continues to weigh us down, especially when it is not addressed and keeps being built up upon as it has for most of your life. i’m sorry that your father has caused you to have difficulties when others express love towards you. i know you know that you are so worthy of so much love, compassion, and kindness. but sometimes, accepting all of that especially after dealing with the trauma you have, it’s hard to do so.

with everything that has happened in your life, please know that it’s a true testament to your strength and ability to still hang in there. with all of these thoughts of your past and your trauma, would looking ahead to a brighter tomorrow, a better future even, be something you could practice? at least for me personally, the best coping method for when i’m feeling so weighed down from trauma, depression, bad things currently in my life, i focus on what’s ahead. like what good meal i could cook for myself, a road trip i could plan, what my future goals are, etc… having these things on the horizon takes time away from me that i would have been thinking about past and current trauma and how messed up it all was. you and i have survived a lot so it’s up to us to keep moving forward to ensure the mistakes people like your father has made aren’t repeated, yaknow? sending you a ton of love and comfort, my friend. i’m so sorry for what you have gone through and what you are currently enduring but i promise you, we will make it to a better tomorrow.

love,
twix

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