It’s been 3 years since I’ve reached out on here. I’ve been struggling a lot. 5 weeks ago I relapsed with my self harming. It had been 7 years since the last time I had done it. 7 long years with fighting the hunger. Now every time I get the urge I run to it. Yesterday I opened up to my significant other about it and he threw it in my face today while we were arguing. I wish I wouldn’t have opened up about it and kept it a secret. Since I opened up about it he has been avoiding spending time with me (more than usual.) I just don’t know how much more I can take before I completely break apart. I didn’t open up for pity or attention. I opened up because I want help. I want to stop and I can’t do it on my own.
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Hey, so glad to see you here. I am very sorry that life is getting tough again and you relapsed 
Sending lots of love your way. I also am so sorry how your significant other reacted. That seems like a very jerk move of them to throw salt in a wound like that while arguing. I hope you are able to sort thing out for them or they reach a level of understanding. Maybe also try opening up to a close friend as well who may be more helpful to the situation? Regardless of what happens there just remember that healing is not linear. Life is hard ! The best thing you can do at the moment is to surround yourself with all the loving people you possibly can, continue to reach out for support and do your best to take care of yourself whether that be doing art or something creative to express your feelings, journaling, taking walks etc. Hold fast friend. Your life is valuable and you matter so much 
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Hey @blackhorizon,
I’m glad that, 3 years after the last time you were here, this place is still a resource that you’re willing to use. It’s always here, whenever you need it. 
You relapsed 5 weeks ago and since this has been a long battle for you, I imagine that you already know that relapses are part of recovery. It happens. And in the end what matters is not how many times we fall, but how many times we get back on our feet. During 7 years, you’ve had more days without self-harm than days with it. Sure, once there is a relapse, it makes you a lot more vulnerable. Your previous efforts are not wasted though, and you are not doomed to be stuck with this again. You were able to spend a significant amount of years without it before, and you’ll be able to do it again.
I’m sorry your SO reacted that way after you shared about it. You didn’t make any mistake by sharing. Unfortunately, how someone reacts is their own. It’s not your fault. By reaching out, you did what was right and what you had to. Now, maybe your partner needs a bit of time to process. Sometimes, we’re more likely to be upset and guilt others because we’re feeling overwhelmed, because we don’t know what to do and we feel powerless. We see someone we love being in pain and we don’t know what to do. Even if it’s counterproductive, sometimes this helplessness is manifested through arguments like the one you had.
At this point, maybe something healing for both of you would be to have a calm conversation about your needs. Being clear about what you expect from him, how he can help you, could help both of you. That way, he could tell you if he feels like he can handle it or if you’ll need to seek support with someone else/with different resources. That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t love you or care about you less. What’s important here is that you can, together, determine if he can help you or not. First because you need help, and it’s okay to say it. Secondly because it would be a healthy way to not let the situation negatively impact your relationship. You can grow together if you are both willing to, but it surely goes along with a clear and honest communication, by expressing both your respective needs and limits.
If you feel like you can’t do it on your own, then keep reaching out, friend. For your partner, consider sharing about specifics: what are your needs precisely and what do you expect from him regarding your recovery. How can he help you? If both of you come to the conclusion that he can’t help you on this matter, then it would be okay to reach out to a therapist and to/or to someone else. Support takes many different shapes and can happen in different places that would be complementary.
In any case: you’re not alone. You did the right thing by reaching out, and it’s still true every time you keep doing it. Staying alone while struggling is only damaging. You deserve to be helped and supported as you need. We see you here, we hear you, we’re here for you. You’ll get back on your feet.
I don’t know if in the past you’ve already read the workbook ReWrite provided by HeartSupport, but even if you already did, now might be a good time to read it again and see how you could approach your recovery in a different way. The book itself is also a good resource for loved ones, and I believe your significant other could find the parts dedicated to friends/family very helpful too. It could be worth it to check on it, individually or together.
Hi @blackhorizon ,
The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here. Hold Fast friend, and lean on our community.
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