Two days ago I relapse really fucking bad, I posted me self harming myself on social media. Just lost my fucking shit, I can’t ever change. My head is kinda hurting a bit and don’t if I can over come this one.
I did DBT therapy, meditation, medication, change my diet and everything. Still I’m back at same place where I was a year ago.
Had a really bad fight with a friend, it was friend that last for 14 years, it was being close friend with him to I want to break his face with a brick. He been using me a lot, to point try so hard to not snap. All did I text him saying “ stop asking me about Maine it getting annoying”. Then he said I got anger issues.
How fucking dare saying I have issues where, I try go to therpy, doing medication, try a lot soul searching and try make up for my mistakes. He had no right to say that.
I’m going to assume you are BPD because of the DBT reference. I am too. It’s really frustrating when I relapse and I feel defeated and want to just tell the word to fuck off. In the moment, our BPD lens is telling us to give up and I know from experience what this feels like.
Don’t give up. All the things you listed… the DBT and meds etc. Those aren’t going to work unless we choose to let it work.
I’m so proud of you for having a good year tho, that’s putting in the work for sure.
Just remember to give yourself 10 mins to look at the facts, remember you are safe and to breathe when you feel that burning surge build inside.
Still I’m back at same place where I was a year ago.
No, friend. You are not at the same place. It feels like this because of the relapse and the kind of emotions that this whole situation brings. But as you said, you’ve tried DBT therapy, meditation, medications and even make changes in your diet. These things are not lost or gone. It’s part of your journey, part of your story, part of the strength you’ve built over the year. It’s part of you. And it’s in these times of deep vulnerability that you might need to rely even more on what you’ve learned. From therapy, meds and such, you’ve learned things - about yourself, about recovery, about what is helpful to you or not. Keep relying on these things as much as possible.
Relapses are, unfortunately, somehow part of recovery, even if there’s a long time between them. That doesn’t mean you have failed, are failing, or would fail in the future. It only shows that life is constantly changing, made of unpredictable events that affect us differently over time. Please be patient with yourself while you are navigating these difficult thoughts and emotions.
You will get back on your feet. Of that, I have no doubt. I believe in you.
