I’ve been so low the last month.
My boyfriend broke up with me with the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. He lit my world up. He was amazing, finally a good guy who treated me right, we had instant chemistry, it was a love that I didn’t know existed, a level of joy that I didn’t know I could even be in possession of. It’s like the birds were singing for me, the sun was shining on me. It was a beautiful brightness that can’t be described.
And then it ended.
And the darkness is now darker than I’ve ever experienced. It’s been a month. It’s only getting worse. I think about him 100% of the time, from the time I wake up until I fall asleep.
I know I’ll “find someone else” but honestly, I don’t believe in my heart that I’ll ever feel this way about anyone else ever again, regardless of if they love me or I love them.
So today, I found myself googling places to kill myself. Places to jump. And that search led me here.
I’m a recovering addict, so I know that exhausting all options is dire. Hell, even one of the options is to just relapse.
That’s where I’m at. I could relapse, ride it out until I probably eventually die.
Or I could die now and save some disappointment.
I don’t feel like a third option is viable for me.
Yes, I love myself, I feel worthy of love, but realistically, I simply cannot go on. Perhaps someone out there has experienced this. Perhaps someone can help me in a way that doesn’t bash my ex.
this similarly happened to me back in January except she had cheated and started dating this guy while still with me. And I know how much it hurt. I even tried to commit and shouldn’t have woken up. How ever I now realize that it was a mistake. I haven’t gotten myself out of the hole yet and its hard to keep my head above water. Suicide is not the answer and neither is a relapse. Trust me. I do remember how it felt like everyday the world was brighter and honestly it can still be even with out them you just have to look harder. We can make it through this together. Its going to be hard but we can do it. No matter how dark the world may seem, there is light somewhere you just have to look beyond the fog.
@newagain152 Newagain, I am so glad you posted, thank you for being vulnerable. We appreciate you. It can be very hard to ingest a breakup when the relationship felt so right, and you really cared about that person. I know folks might tell you that you will find someone else, but what’s important to remember now is that another person does not get to justify your worth. You ARE worthy, your darkness is not meant to suffocate, your sadness is not meant to define you. It is here because life is seasonal.
Your summer is just around the corner, and I believe you deserve to see it. Sober and healthy. You know you are worthy, and your third option is to carry on, and make a difference in this world. What a great start already! You have reached out to a community of loving people, but also people who are experiencing what you are now. You do have a third option, and its RIGHT HERE.
You have a purpose, there is no other you, no one else who could inspire us today as you have with your story. You are so important in this world. You obviously have an amazing, big heart, and this world is so lucky to have you. Hold strong, push through, reach out and make new connections to share your love with. You deserve that, we are honored to have you, and I hope you give yourself another chance. A healthy second chance. Stay strong, sober, and let us walk with you through this. You are NOT alone.
A lot of this resonates with me and MOST of the relationships I have felt in my life.
And to me, it was never about “finding someone else”
Here is what we had to say
We love you, stay with us