It may have been the “perfect storm” of circumstances that triggered your relapse. It means that you have overcome every other circumstance in your life, except for this one, for which you were not prepared. Having experienced the relapse, and the circumstances that led to it, if the circumstances were to reoccur, it’s far less likely that you would relapse.
Did the self-harm provide relief, or distraction? Yes, distraction feels like it provides relief, yet it does nothing to change your relationship to the circumstances that led to the relapse.
During the past 800 days, how often were you afraid of relapse? I suspect that you spent much of your time not even thinking about it. Fear isn’t much of a deterrent from relapse. Fear and anxiety are more likely to exacerbate the craving.
To say “try to utilize your skills,” is a suggestion to try again what didn’t work. Your skills are useful, but it sounds as though you need another tool or understanding that can help you manage the circumstances that you presently face.
You might be able to get your best friend to understand a bit more, or perhaps quite a bit more, but what do you think would happen if you explain to her that what you really need is for her to simply listen and care. The ability to do that is a skill that everyone needs to learn.
You seem to understand that there are better ways to get rid of the feelings that trigger cravings, but perhaps this particular time, the feelings manifested too quickly for you to engage one of the “better ways.”
Lighten your load, even if others nag you about it. Decide what you can do without feeling overloaded or overwhelmed, then don’t try to do anymore than that. This time of year is bringing up troubling memories for you, and it sounds like you are at the stage of grief that comes before acceptance. It’s possible, that spending some time sitting quietly with those memories, and allowing those feelings to pass through, can help you to find peace giving acceptance.
Because the world demands that we care about stuff that we would really rather not. We need to pick convenient times in which we can temporarily let go of that burden, and spend that time in whatever pursuit helps us feel content. You can’t feel content all the time, but sometimes you can.
There may not be anyone around you that you can talk to about this, but we’re here, and maybe it will help if you talk to us.
By the way, welcome to Heart Support. Thanks for being here with the courage to share your feelings. Wings