Hi. All the pressure I had been struggling with these past few months collapsed on me and I did something dumb last night that could’ve killed me if I had actually been suicidal enough. I’ve already blocked it out as a false memory but my parents haven’t, and they are worried and once I’m at home again they will be talking about it with me. I think I’m just going to continue erasing this memory as a bad dream. I don’t want to face the fact I relapsed. I have gotten so much better over these years and even my family knows that, I don’t want to be back at square 1. I’m fully aware that I made a stupid decision, and I made a huge mistake and the consequences of my actions are very real and are my own fault. But I feel like my faults should be my own and not shared with anyone else but myself. Because when you share it with others, ecspecially those who care alot or can’t understand, it hurts them. It changes them, and it also changes their perception of you. And that’s what my family is doing now. I feel like they are making a bigger deal out of it than it is. And I know you are supposed to open up to family, but I never do because they don’t understand. I wish they’d just treat it as what it truly is. A relapse. Don’t treat me like I’m sick, don’t treat me like I’m contagious, like I’m unfixable, just, understand me. And, they know they don’t understand, they’re aware of that. No matter how old my parents are, how much they wish they understood, or think they do, they don’t. Because, they don’t understand a thing about psychology.
I know what I did was extremely dangerous and could’ve killed me. But I don’t think it would have. Even though… I did feel like I was dying. It wasn’t severe enough to even be close to killing me, yes I had symptoms of severe blood loss but that was just blood pressure popping because of a reaction to a foreign object interfering with pressure. Like popping a balloon. I just feel so stupid for telling them. I should’ve thought about what it was but Kio kept panicking and told me it was serious. And yes. I’m sorry to you too Kio. I’m sorry you can’t always get through to me, and I’m sorry you have to deal with my shit in the first place. But I’m grateful, because you’re my friend, and you do understand. So well. And I thank you for that <3 I just feel bad you had to go through the same pain as me.
Now I will have to deal with the consequences of my family keeping a very close eye on me and being told how dissapointed they are in me because “I was doing so well” and how dumb I am and how they’ll wonder about kicking me out of the house because I’m “too much work” for them. And… I dont blame them. But still, I haven’t relapsed in years. Fucking Years! I just wish they didn’t treat it as if I’m back at square one. Its just a little fall in the ice. I wish they didn’t make my relapses define me. I hate how big a deal they make of it. I’m not dead, it’s not too late… So… stop, treating me like it is.
I’m just, so uncomfortable having them know about my relapses. I don’t like family worrying about me, not only because I don’t want them to worry, but also because I don’t trust my family. I don’t know how to connect with people who are so much different from me, who don’t understand what it’s like to go through things and actually try to face them, instead of locking them up in the deep grounds of a fairytale only to talk about it when they’re on their deathbed wondering why they regret everything they have ever done in life. The only person in my family I have ever been able to get along with is my sister. Probably because she’s only 12 yrs older than me, and she isn’t crazy and “NPC-like” as the rest of our family is. I call them that because that’s how they act. But now, she knows, because my mom told her… And now I’m kinda pissed, because my sister has her own life to deal with. Fuck. This is why I hate people knowing anything about my life. I dotn want them to worry about me and eventually hate me, like my family does. I relapse once and now they just expect me to attempt suicide left and right. It was ONCE for the love of God stop putting so much pressure on me that I already have. But ofc. I did this to myself. I need to take care of this for myself. Fix the damage I’ve caused is the only way to handle this. Stay on my best behaviour, don’t make people worry, just, keep everyone happy uk? I’m going to have to do that for these next few weeks so they’ll forget about it.
In this way, I’m greatful I’m almost 18, because when I am I can deal with my issues on my own, and no one will ever have to know about them except for the people I’m close to that actually understand me. I’m just going to have to suck it up for now, and remind myself I’m still the same person I was before. Because they will tell me differently.
-X
You are not at square one. You have years of success behind you, to weigh against one relapse. I suspect it was a circumstance, state of mind, or both that triggered the relapse. Yeah it sucks to have a relapse, but knowing the trigger can help you to avoid another one.
The overbearing concern your family has for you will gradually go away, as long as there are no further relapses.
You are a most thoughtful, sensitive, empathetic and insightful person. That makes dealing with the world in its present state difficult. I hope you find a less harmful way of dealing with it.
Hello System of Confusion,
You know, there is a lot of strength and courage in this post. Relapses are really hard to navigate and often times those around us feel fear and out of fear they respond. Often times, we are shamed for our ‘Mistakes’, and it is unfair, cruel, and just down right wrong. You are struggling and I must say, you are doing amazing <3. It takes soooo much strength to walk from an attempt. You are doing it, despite how your family is treating you, you are doing it. I think you are brave and oh so resilient. Your thoughts and analysis around the situation is very wise as well. I am wishing you the best on your journey toward healing. Also, I’d like to add, that a relapse is like what you said, just a relapse. There is no square one because you’ve already travelled so far. <3 Sending you hugz and warmth, Warmly, Dot.
Hi systemofconfusion.
I am glad that you are still here with us. You helped me when I was feeling down and you try to help others here. I know what it is like to not be able to talk about things with your family and also what it is like to be misunderstood. It is good that you are trying to stand strong and deal with the situation. I wish i could give you some advice but nothing comes to mind I am just a bit too tired. 
But please stay strong and stay safe.
Take care and good luck to you.
-Ashwell
Hey friend. Just following the love train today and sending love your way. 
Your parents may not understand how you feel and what you are going through - and yes it’s pretty frustrating as we expect the people closest to us to understand us without having to explain ourselves -, but somehow not everyone is ready to understand everything. And that’s okay too. There are times and places for the right connections to happen. And, for what it’s worth, you will always have that understanding right here.
I’m so very sorry for your relapse. But also so very proud of you for pushing through despite it all. I’m beyond grateful that you are still with us today. Being here, being alive, breathing is what matters the most. You are not a disappointment. You are struggling like many of us and that only makes you human. Though we also see you, we see your battles, your perseverance, your strength. It is seen and very real.
You’re probably not the same person because you are even stronger today.
Sending hugs your way. Hold fast. 
This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.