My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, we live together. We’ve known each other for a long time and before we got together we both had very toxic relationships that turned out almost identical situations that gave us both trust issues and boundary issues. We both took time to heal after those relationships and this is our first relationship after those. Things were amazing up until we both had issues that brought up our past trauma. There is this girl that we know and even though he never had a thing with her I’ve asked him several times respect our relationship. He’s liked her photos/videos of her half dressed, he would go up and talk to her, he’s followed her other social accounts and liked her videos, and he would rather hurt my feelings than show respect to me. Whenever I express my feelings about how it makes me uncomfortable because it shows he’s still interested in her he gets defensive, calls me names, and has even blocked me on social media and deleted any post he’s posted of me. He has no photos or videos of me posted anywhere. We’ve also had an issue where I saw that he liked a bunch of pictures on Instagram of girls half naked or their butt photos. I shouldn’t have an issue with this stuff but my ex cheated on me and did the exact same things and Also if I were to post any photos or videos like that my current boyfriend gets upset, doesn’t like them, and says I’m doing it to get other guys attention. He posts workout videos and other girls like them/follow him but I can’t post mine because other guys might like it and im giving them attention. I understand his ex cheated on him and he expects me to give up but he’s been so mad at me that he’s stopped saying I love you, doesn’t show me any physical connection or emotions, and hasn’t shown any care for my feelings. I’m extremely hurt, lost, and confused because it wasn’t like this. He used to be so patient and understanding but not anymore.
hi there!
in the first part of the post, I was ready to say that it’s okay to like other people’s posts and stuff HOWEVER the second half of the post is worrying. It sure sounds like your bf controls what content you are “allowed” to post, while giving himself full freedom to do as he pleases.
the first thing that you could do is both of you see a couples therapist, since there might be deeper stuff going on that just 'don’t post that, don’t post this". There needs to be a discussion on why he thinks it’s okay to post his workouts and like whatever posts he sees, but you have to be restricted. That he has changed his behaviour also needs to be mentioned, because it sounds like he’s withholding affection almost as a punishment or to get you to comply.
I want to say too that you are wonderful and loved just as you are. Your past relationships, the current one, all those things don’t define your value. Your value lies within yourself, and just being you.
These conversations may be difficult to have, but it’s always better to express how you feel, and know where the other person is coming from mentally and emotionally.
We’re here for you to safely express your feelings and thoughts an to support you through this!
Does he try to control your behaviour in any other way, like where you go when you’re alone or which friends you can meet with?
Hi Nb8243
I must agree with @Sita here. In the first part i thought the same but then… Your relationship is very unbalanced in that regard. It should not be that way. Mutual respect is key. If your boyfriend acts this way it is not alright. In your place I would tell them that you are a person that can decide for themeselves what to like and post and if they are not gonna respect your boundaries and wishes there is no reason for you to do so. I know it may seem harsh but if they care about you they will see the meaning behind these words. Trust and balance are important. Those things are currently at risk and you are not at fault there. Be open to discussion but stand your ground. I want to warn you that they might not react in polite manner but if they are gonna be rude and hostile, maybe that relationship is not ment to be. I sincirely hope that things will get sorted out between the two of you and you can be happy together, but there is the posibility that they wount and you should get ready for that posibility. I hope everything will turn out for the better though.
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hi Friend, Thank you so much for posting here, I have not read what the other replies have written to you and I don’t want you to be hurt any more than you already are but you sound like such a lovely person and I am so sorry this is happening to you but why on earth are you still with this person? This is so disrespectful its disgraceful and you do not deserve this for a moment longer. You are worth a million times more than this, you deserve to be treated with love and respect and this is neither. I don’t know if this guy is doing this because he was cheated on before or maybe he was cheated on because he treated his ex like this but either way there is absolutely no excuse for you to have to put up with this. If you genuinely love him and you have to be with him I would encourage you to sit him down and advise him on some changes that need to be made and if they aren’t made please don’t waste your precious time and energy on someone who doesn’t respect you or treat you well, there is someone out there that will. We are all here for you no matter what you decide. Much Love Lisa x
From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ
Hi @Nb8243 It sounds like your boyfriend is very controlling while having his own fun. It seems like he treats you very badly and my first instinct was to tell you that you should really discern why you are with this guy. Relationships (unless consensual) shouldn’t be controlling. ~Mystrose
From: SuchBlue
Hi @Nb8243,
If he isn’t showing you any physical connection, show any emotions, not care about you, not say that he loves you, you’ve already broken up. That is not a relationship. He’s valuing the girls on his social media even more than the WHOLE relationship. Maybe he had bad experiences with somebody else but that is no excuse for what he did to you. I know it’s very hard to take in especially when you really love somebody but you just have to live with it and it’s for good. I believe in you 
From: eloquentpetrichor
Hello, nb8243! Welcome to the community and thank you for posting and sharing with us. It sounds like you are in yet another toxic relationship. I understand you and your bf knew each other for a long time before you got together and you may have been in a place where you were ready for this relationship with him but he clearly wasn’t and isn’t if he is acting this way. It sounds like he wants to control things you do and manipulate you.
I was like the others when I read the first part I thought “it’s okay for him to like other people’s posts and have a female friend and talk to her” but then when you mentioned that he gets upset when you do the same and doesn’t seem to want to have any indication of your existence on social media that is a big red flag for me.
I don’t want to tell you what you should do with your relationship but please tread lightly and know that you deserve a healthy relationship with someone who loves you and doesn’t manipulate you or situations and is willing to talk to you. I hope you can at least talk to him about these issues. Good luck, friend and I hope you continue using the forum any time you need some support
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