Rough days are rough...can turn to months or years

Have been dealing with depression since I was 16 and now I’m nearing 40. Painfully shy, lack self confidence due to a lot of various situations in my life where it was destroyed, not out of the closet on a couple things out of fear and feel like I only have a few friends that I can talk to apart from online.

This month was already bad as been looking for work for months and my seemingly last best avenue for work blew up in my face. And now running out of places to apply locally and cannot move. But to top it all off my cousin sam who was barely even 23 passed away from cancer. He battled it so long and so hard never showing his pain but hanging in so long. We had hope until this week when they moved him to hospice and found out this morning he passed away. Been balling all day. He held on long enough his closest friends and family could say their goodbyes. Alas not being able to make it due to not having a way to get there to see him (over five states away from me maybe more). As hard as it is for me have to be strong for my mom. she is taking it really really hard but with her hoshimotos disease she has good days and bad days. Her emotions are all over the place right now and I have to stay strong to help her.

Everything just keeps piling up on me and my family. I feel like such a mooch too as living with my parents…feel so worthless. A bachelors, associates and a certificate and cannot find work…so stuck at home. Even saw parents give up retirement dreams for me and my brother selling the land they dreamed of retiring on.

As far as suicide…well thats not even possible for me. Tried before (teens once and early twenties once) but can’t do it. And now especially now with all my mom is going through that thought rarely ever crosses my mind in the way it used too. Just go to sleep and pray to not wake up…cause I think they could handle that…but stopped that months ago now. So just battle my own demons fighting and hoping for something better but sometimes feeling like nothing better will ever come.

Thank you for posting. That sounds like a difficult time. You are not alone even when it feels like an endless struggle. It is hard to be hopeful when the months turn into years turn into decades (51yrs old, depression on/off since teens) but I try to give the universe a chance to surprise me even while I find it difficult to believe it will actually happen. I’m here at HeartSupport because people here HAVE surprised me with their love and kindness and generosity. You are welcome here, and we love you and believe in you.

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Hi friend. I’m so sorry that is happening to you and your family. You’re not alone in having these amazing qualifications unable to find work, alot of people with the same thing find it incredibly hard to find work. IT’S NOT IMPOSSIBLE. You are not worthless. You are providing care and love for you mother who really needs that. I think that if possible, you could try and speak to her about some of how you’re feeling too. It may not seem like it, but she’ll probably be grateful that she’s not the only one struggling right now.
You can try to fight this alone but it will be so difficult. We will always be here to listen. You’re incredibly strong and so brave for sharing this. Thank you.


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Hi @TheOneAzraell,

I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin! He was so young and he sounded like a fighter. It’s good to hear that you’re not considering suicide anymore - you’re a fighter too! You’re trying to look for work, which is phenomenal! Many people would just give up and sit on the couch all day. I’m proud of you for at least trying, and I’m sure your parents see that too! I know I definitely see it, and I’m sure everyone else here does too. Keep fighting! You got this!


I think the oddest thing about me is I am hiding some things from friends and family. I know none of them will know how to take it really. About my sexuality and about my interests (furry). Gods you have no idea how hard it is for me to even post that anywhere at all. I know its often asked that you be truthful with who you are at your core and be upfront even with the possible consequences. I would do it but I do know it would put me in a worse situation than I have been in for the last twenty years. The sad part is afraid to be open in public with it due to my shyness so I can honestly say in late thirties and never even been kissed before…much less anything else. My worst flaw is my natural shyness. Crowds are my kryptonite it really is so any kind of gathering makes me so nervous.

I have had dreams but they had been crushed to dust a long time ago with what happened with college and with a former friend. Those dreams have flown the coop but looking for new dreams to fill those voids. But dreaming smaller to make some of them more attainable then the lofty dreams that now will likely never ever happen.

Still no luck finding work and not even getting emails or calls for interviews at this point. Still looking but the money I was getting from unemployment is almost gone now as gas and bills pile up. But will not ask for help on that as those are my battles.

I’ve come to accept myself for who I am. And I have come to terms with hiding some things from others…healthy or not its saving my situation from getting so much worse.

Thanks for all the well wishes and help I appreciate it. Will continue to fight on in this huge uphill battle…


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I would first like to express my condolences for your situation and the loss of your cousin. I’d also like to thank you for coming to HeartSupport and sharing your story with us. You seem to be very strong regardless of the situation that life has placed you in and I hope that you can continue to be strong. I wish the best for you in the future and I want you to know that you are loved for who you are!

Raffi :smiley:

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hey there,
i am so sorry you are going through this . just know you are loved no matter what.
please continue to fight. please continue to come post on the support wall because we will continue to support you no matter what. and im sorry your cousin passed away. i am so sorry. and im sorry youve been battling depression since you were 16. i battle depression myself. just know you are loved @TheOneAzraell . i hope your days get better. you are loved friend.
remember you are worth it and remember to hold fast friend.

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First going to say that it totally hard in general when you are looking for a job and you dont get the job and wnat to find one. I get it.

I will say that it is so true our world only wants to see what you do and it makes it hard to know that what you are doing is good for you

I will say a lot of jobs for me it was the fact that my disabilities show on the outside I cant hide mine and it sucks because it is hard to get stuff about you. But remember that only you can set who you are not others yes they want to say something to you but you need to remember you get to give it power or not.

I also get that I have said that time and time again and it sucks but remember this the world has had an impact on people and you are loved. I will say that you are not alone in this battle.

Hold fast and if you want feel free to message me

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Watch the video response HERE:

Hold Fast.

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Another rough day. Still hiding my battles with depression from family as its never been good when I told them I was having problems with them. My support on Facebook is gone as found that the site itself was causing anxiety and stress. Sadly that cut me off from a bunch of friends. As for RL friends well sadly some things have changed and now not seeing them much if at all anymore. More alone than ever…only have a couple online friends and refrain from sharing much with them…

I would go into the major things but hate feeling like a broken record and well just going to find a way to deal on my own. The struggle continues and the uphill battle continues…kind of funny now afraid to go into the woods for walks thanks to some very bad thoughts…so now that relaxing atmosphere is gone…SIGH

Thanks again for all of the support and kind words…but this battle is now mine and mine alone…later yall.