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Belongs to: Therapist goes through Money Games 1,2, and 3 by REN
ruined my back taking a job with high pay… all i could hear was my dads dissaproval…
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I’m so sorry. It sounds like your inner voice (that sounds like your dad) is literally putting insult to injury. If you’re up for it, pick other voices you can play in your mind–folks who have spoken kindness to you, people who help you be the person you want to be. Let their words take the mic, you know?
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, it’s so draining when the weight of expectations, especially those from family, people we want to impress, influences our desicions and things don’t turn the way we hope. Your well-being is so important and it hurts when trying to meet expectations leads to harm. Please try to prioritize yourself and be kind to yourself friend.
Hey my friend. This post hits…so very hard.
Firstly, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Parental disapproval, I find, can be one of the most soul crushing experiences. It sounds like you went through that despite working so so so hard, to the point of ruining yourself.
I imagine that feeling…lonely. And frustrating. Like “why am I not good enough” or “maybe if I was just better or did more or proved myself, then he would love me”. I imagine a kind of spiral that I think can spin people to the lowest depths.
Though from a different place, I struggled a lot with my relationship with my father. Specifically, I just dont recall my father telling me that he loved me much as a child. He was in his own stuff - i get it. But looking back at how I behaved as a teenager and much of my adult years - part of it is so influenced by that tidbit that he never gave me. That he could never bring himself to give.
It has a way of weighing you down. I went to a some therapy to work on it - and likely need to go to quite a bit more. It effected how I show up for my own daughter, for my wife, and most of all - for myself. And I deserve different.
You deserve different.
I hope you’re on a path to healing my friend, though healing isn’t so much a destination as the path itself.
Thank you for posting and being honest and bearing your soul. Hold fast