Sad..like always

[Lavendercrandberry]

FM family’s still fueding, sons aren’t really speaking to her nor one another… windows continue not to be repaired, house continues to be messy, dirty, and in need of repairs.

Still relaying messages to her family because FM doesn’t want to express herself nor tell them how she really feels, but she will tell me constantly and then I suggest she tell these things to them but she refuses…

Which puts me in the middle and sometimes makes a liar out of me, because since she excessively complains, I tell them how she genuinely feels, then they sometimes ask her about it, and she’ll pretend like everything is okay or that she didn’t say these things…then her family is probably thinking I’m lying and perhaps coaching her.

She doesn’t want her granddaughter coming everyday, in home care program coming, these things are too much …but when asked by her family… she’ll tell them she’s fine with everything… sometimes she even pressures and bullies me into telling her family the same thing.

FM had a doctor’s appointment 2 days ago, blood work was taken, she came home exhausted and wanting to rest, son called half an hour later saying nurse from program was coming to draw her blood very shortly. FM agreed but didn’t want her to come.

FM exhausted came down greeted her, was asked to provide a urine sample, had to go back upstairs…tried for 15 minutes… couldn’t…went back downstairs to get blood drawn… Nurse was here about 45 minutes…due to unprofessionalism… receiving, making, and answering work related/personal conversation calls.

All the while FM sitting waiting for her to get things over with as she was freezing and exhausted. FM also was dehydrated and had to drink water to produce an adequate blood sample. Last call lasted 15 minutes, then she left.

FM exhausted, legs had given out, fell on the top landing of the steps …on the way down hit her head on a door frame, and the floor. She hit it medium hard. She had to stay on the floor for about 5 minutes before attempting to get up…

Refused my offering to get her cane and walker. Couldn’t pull herself up, so she crawled to her bed and pulled herself up.

I stressed the importance of going to the ER right away after a fall, especially since on blood thinners…and she refused saying she felt fine.

Had to call her son for what I thought would be encouragement towards her…since she barely listens nor agrees with about anything.

She told her son she didn’t hit her head hard, then she told him that she didn’t remember falling nor hitting her head.
Her son foolishly told her to lay down for about 2 hours and see how she felt afterwards. He had a nerve to act like I wasn’t in the right about her ringing emergency.

Told both of us from what we described, it didn’t seem like an emergency. He called back in about an hour and she told him that she felt fine…and it was left alone. Of course she agreed with him and refused to go.

Told me that I wasn’t a medical professional and that her son knows more and that she’s going to listen to him.

Told her that no one has to be a qualified medical “professional” to advise, give legitimate medical advice, recognize an emergency, and ring emergency.

Described the situation to her doctors. They told me to make an appointment for her to see them the next day, and that she should have went to emergency.

FM saw doctor… has to have CT scan now… I was chastised by her doctors and family because they felt like I didn’t tell her to go to emergency.

I really wish that she would set up her end of life planning with her hospital to include these wishes of not wanting to seek medical attention…so that I can respect her wishes not to go and won’t be faced with an legal consequences…but she refuses to do so …and doesn’t understand…due to her mixed dementia.

Watching her potentially pass away before me and in her home would definitely mess me up…but I’m already severely messed up and irreparable…

Her memory and cognitive skills are still declining.

Her granddaughter gets paid to come here for 4 hours a day and basically within the exception of taking her to the doctor’s, just sits here on her phone.

I’m against the granddaughter and others coming, but her family doesn’t care… they’ll get rid of me and have no need for me anymore if FM passes before me… She can’t even answer most of the questions FM doctor’s ask her…

Nor is she here 24/7 to witness things…so that the correct information is given… especially since FM has memory and cognitive problems, also FM intentionally omits things from her doctors, nor does she tell the truth. She tells them everything is fine, and always denies any pain…

Her family tried to bully and pressure me into that job and role , but with all my problems, I am unable to do these things and it really is too much…

Saw neighbor ghosted guy that pretended for 8 months to be into me and that we’d have a future together, and then ghosted the last time we saw and communicated with each other after promising to talk to me that next day me for almost 6 months…and who I was impulsively lured back to 2 months ago after

Things in my life took an unexpected turns and twists…only to be ghosted again by him…

Saw him today get in a car shake the hand of a man, and with a woman, happily kissing and hugging her before driving off … probably on a date … My feelings are very much still with him and I still love him and am still very much heartbroken…

I ran away from the window and started crying.

He’s unaware or aware and doesn’t care about me nor the wreckage that he’s left. …the damage he’s done.

He’s unaffected.

It’s okay. Just more damage than I already have and collected since my beginning.

I’m just a damage pileup, crash site, and rest stop. No one ever wants me…not genuinely.

The low self esteemed unsure and damaged seem to come to me …use me for target practice, disguard and dispose of me …and they gain the confidence and gumption to go after who and what they truly want.

Everyone has done this to me …

I wish I wasn’t a toy crash dummy …I wish I was repairable and taken seriously…but I’m not…

Everything is too much … always

I’m too much

[nhindian56]

Hey there I always know what it’s like to be part of a family feud and to see someone you love wind up with someone else

Remember one thing, you are worthy, and you deserve so much better. If he ghosted you to go out with someone else then he is not worth any of your time, you deserve better and you are worth so much more, always know your worth, trust me the right one will come around.

Stay strong and don’t let those family fueds bring you down, I’ve had my fair share of being in the middle of them, at the end of the day, do what you have to do to make sure that mentally and emotionally you are in the right place

Do what you have to do and don’t let anyone guilt trip you about it, you always have to have that love for yourself as well, I’m always here if you want to talk

• Kenny

[OneStepAtATime]

Hi there friend,

Thank you so much for being so open and honest with us. It takes a lot of courage to do so. I see you and I hear you.

You are going through so much. You are caught in the middle of very difficult situations. Multiple at the same time. You have every right to feel the feelings that you are feeling. It is incredibly tough things to go through. But we see your strength. You are still putting one foot in front of the other. And I admire you for that!

Please just remember to hold on. Everything shall pass, especially these tough times. I know it is so hard, but we are here to help you get through it. Life hands you these seemingly impossible challenges. But together we are so much stronger than alone. We take you seriously. We appreciate you. You matter. I promise you this. Please continue to hold on. IT WILL GET BETTER. I believe in you.

Much love,
Blake

[Lavendercrandberry]

Things are further getting to be too much for me… I feel like I’m rearing my final breaking point, which will lead hopefully to my final demise.

Every day foster moms son keeps calling telling her that someone is scheduled to come out to see her the next day… unbeknownst to her. He keeps scheduling people to come, knowing that it’s too much for his 92 year old mother.

She’s had two doctors appointment this week and 3 people out that her son scheduled, and the week isn’t even over…plus her granddaughter coming every single day for 4 hours…it’s all too much…for the both of us.

We were lied to and duped. These things weren’t supposed to happen.

The rare times that she does tell people it’s too much and it’s not what she wants, she is manipulated into agreeing. She doesn’t want all of these things to happen, she complains to me all the time about it, I tell her to tell her family, she never does, so I tell them , then they speak to her, she lies and tells them everything is okay and agrees with them, as usual making a liar out of me.

They have warped and manipulated her into thinking that this is what’s best for her, to ignore and invalidate her own feelings and self, and she is warped into believing this is love and showing care for her.

Idk what to do. I really want to leave like I should have done a long time ago, but I have no income, and I have nobody…and I’m disabled and have to remain unemployed… I’ve been abused, isolated, discarded, traumatized, and used in all kinds of ways since I’ve been born… I don’t know anything else, nor how to be any other way. …nor will I ever.

Foster mom and her family have been terrible since I’ve come here 32 years ago…nor have they really cared nor have they bothered too much with me. They don’t even know the basics about me.

I have been nothing but a free caregiver and maid for their mother.

Her son went on a rant last year how their family is glad that I take care of their mother and how much money they’re saving by not having to hire anyone. I felt saddened, humiliated, and embarrassed.

I have learnt to be comfortable in abuse, toxicity, and unhealthy situations. I will never be otherwise.

I will never be healthy , I am just damaged ungoods and I am irreparable…
I have been doomed since before birth…and after.

My foster mother doesn’t care about me, just about what I can do for her. At 92 years old with a lot of health problems and dementia…she has still been as abusive, offensive, and insulting to me as she has always been.

Every time I tell her that things are beyond too much for me now and that I may have to find another place to live…she finds ways to insult me and make it about herself. …and tries to manipulate and bully me. …which always makes me often unable to distinguish and differentiate between her overall personality and the dementia.

When I tell her these things, she tells me that I’m being very selfish and am only thinking about myself. That it’s too much for her, and she doesn’t think it’s too much for me as she is the only one they’re seeing, and that I’m not even present and just up in the room. That I should just be able to put up with things.

That she’s done so many wonderful things for me, and that I have done nothing for her and that I need to stop being selfish…

Then she often goes into these rants about how she feels she helps people, and she she is always nice, and that’s why she she agrees to go along with whatever her family says because it’s helping them…

That her family is trying to “save” her because they really care…that her character is the reason why she has lived so long and whatever they’re doing for her is keeping her well and alive. . That if I had been raised “right” I wouldn’t be so selfish and I should be like her… That I’m ungrateful and hateful that’s why bad things happen to me. That I should be “thankful” for my “blessings” and thank “God” …

She started bashing the neighbor lady saying she’s in terrible shape and condition because she doesn’t do anything for herself but lie around and that she isn’t nice, thats why she isn’t “blessed”.

I told her that she isn’t this lady and shouldn’t speak on things, as she doesn’t know what she has done for herself, nor what she’s dealing with. That foster mom doesn’t know what it takes for anyone else to “exist” and “function”. and also this lady has serious health problems, that contribute to her inactiveness.

I tell her this and more when she gawks, makes fun of, and ridicule people as she watches the TV show “my 600lb life”. It’s one of her favorite shows, because she likes ignore their telling of personal experiences, and to laugh at them.

She tells me that I’m a “miss know it all” whenever I express myself, don’t agree with her, has different beliefs, etc…

I can never talk to her without being insulted, ignored, or given the silent treatment.

I told her that her mortality, vitality and longevity have nothing to do with anything her family nor anyone does for her. That whatever will be in life will be, we all don’t have any or very little control…an unknown force or multiple dictates.

That they can’t prevent her from getting sick, requiring, hospitalization, passing away, etc…

She then told me that shes glad that she doesn’t think like me, and that the things I say are ridiculous,and I’m ridiculous and that I’m not thinking clearly because I wasn’t raised “right”, and she can see why my bio family didnt want me nor want anything to do with me.

That I’m too lippy now and I should basically just remain silent and do what she says, like I did as a child.

Unfortunately, I’ve developed an anger and rage within me …I guess from all the things I’ve experienced, and this also flares up all my anxieties and PTSD

So by then I was enraged and saddened and stressed, so I began to fidget and pace a lot. I tried to self harm with a knife but deep down inside im a coward, and I was unsuccessful…

So in order to get my pent up anger out, I went into the basement and smashed and threw some glass things at the wall that FM was giving away to charity.

This is the first time I’ve ever done something like that. My rage and anger often scare me. I feel like something very evil and dangerous is inside of me trying to get out. I am often able to contain it…today I lost control.

Immediately I felt guilty and saddened that I did that. I felt badly for her. I feel everything is my fault …so I cleaned up and apologized to FM for being a disappointment to her and that I will try to be how she wants me to be.

I don’t matter.

So now I wait, for the next time I am abused.

If I had control over my termination, the first time I tried to delete myself at 5 years of age… would have been successful.

Im tired of suffering… I’m tired of getting the hints and messages from whatever that my life simply has to be like this always.

I just want to sleep or jump and never wake up.

[Lavendercrandberry]

Foster mom decided to begin her shenanigans early today.

I’ve been an insomniac since childhood and get by on 2 hours of sleep. Sleep has never granted me much peace.

Foster mom had been waking up earlier and earlier…and when she’s up, she wakes me up and starts with her demands, complaints, and insults.

I don’t think she sleeps much anymore…

I went to bed at 3am

Woke me up at 4am.

Told me that she’s been cold all night. Don’t know why she just decided to suffer all night before telling me …but that’s just “her”.

Told me to close the window. Window not open much …about a half of inch … Told her that she can’t be in her room without any circulation or air coming in. Her room only has one window that opens.

She never opens her window at all. In the last 5 years she’s kept her window closed…which probably has been contributing to her illness and hospitalization as many other things.

When she was in the hospital for two weeks, I kept it open always.

When it’s not open, or when it’s open but she covers them with her curtains she developes a chronic lingering cough.

So I put the portable heat on for her.

She tells me that this is her house and she can have her room and live any way that she wants to in her house.

Even her sons told her she needs the window to remain open…of course she doesn’t oppose to anything they say…

I also remind her that the chill in the house won’t be fully gone until the windows are repaired.

She tells me that she wishes that I would stop telling her about the windows and that her sons are too busy to finish them (it’s been 5 months since they’ve been promising to fix them).

I tell her that people make a way or pass away trying to accomplish the things they want to do. I told her that her sons just don’t want to do them which is fine, that they should hire someone instead.

I told her that the cold air, insects, rodents, rain, wind, etc … is pouring in through the house and creating mold that has traveled and the house is further damaged because of it. I tell all of these things have contributed to her 2week hospitalization stay. .and she will get sicker…

She tells me that she doesn’t believe that her sons wouldn’t make time for her and don’t want to do these things for their mother. That she doesn’t believe me and I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m not a doctor.

After that she tells me that shes hungry. I ask her what would she like to eat …she tells me that she wants a lunch meat sandwich or one of the meals delivered.

She tells me just not to cook it long because it was dry.

I remind her that I will try my best, as I’m not a cook, and barely can make “basic” things. I also say that before the meals are delivered to her, they’re cooked a bit and they arrive frozen.

She becomes argumentative and tells me that all I have to do is follow the instructions on the package and warm it up for less time. That it shouldn’t be hard to do.

I always tell her that no one is good at everything, and that just because someone is shown or told how to do something, doesn’t mean they can replicate it themselves.

She tells me she doesn’t believe me …like she always does and feels…

I always warm it up the least amount of time possible…50 seconds to a minute in the microwave… sometimes it is still cold so I warm it a bit more… it always comes out juicy and proper…it’s just not to her liking nor preferences…which is fine …just don’t berate me for it.

I didn’t do it to her satisfaction and she complains but refuses my offers to fix something else for her. She does this often. Complains to me about not liking things, eats it anyway complains the whole time…

or denies her dissatisfaction with anything and becomes agreeable when asked by her family …

So she eats it and complains.

Next she complains about the house being a mess (due to the windows not being repaired, everything remains covered and squashed together in different rooms making it impossible for me to clean properly) …next she specifically complains about a dining room table having spots, and things on it (her curtains and curtain rods from the windows) because that’s where she sits with all these people who have been coming.

She asks for a table covering. I tell her she doesn’t have many table coverings due to her giving them away to charity after she stopped hosting her family gatherings many years ago. The ones she kept are ill fitting and have spots on them.

She tells me that I’m lying, and that she would never have given them away… because she paid a lot for everything. She’s sort of a hoarder and refuses to give much away because she’s stuck on monetary value. It’s always that she’s paid a lot of money for this and that and refuses to get rid of it .even when in non use.

I’ve been gathering things for many years to toss or bag and give to charity…with her families permission… wouldn’t normally just toss someone’s personal belongings and sentiments without that persons permission… because that’s terrible…

But her family has told me to do these things … especially now that her memory is on the decline due to dementia …which is still a crappy thing to do. …and I feel terrible about it…but her family threatened to kick me out of I didn’t…

They should just let her keep her things and do whatever with them when she passes… She probably doesn’t have much longer to live at age 92…and if she does live many years longer, soon she’ll probably have to live in assisted living …

Because her dementia is declining her health.

She did chuck the table coverings on her own many years though on her own accord.

She also gets angry that when I wake up I need a few moments of adjustment and can’t engage in questioning answering and much conversation…but insists on badgering me with non emergency things and questions as soon as I wake.

She tells me that if she’s awake and aware, I should be… especially since of my “young” age. She compares me to others as usual…I always tell her that age has nothing to do with health, capabilities and abilities…and that she and I are two different people.

Always tell her that I’m not those people she is comparing me with. That I’m just me and will never be anyone else.

She gets angry as usual and tells me I’m being lippy…and that she can throw me out of she wants to.

Currently trying to to prevent her from going downstairs in a weakened state, because of the mold, the steps aren’t safe for travel, her legs are weak, and she doesn’t have the strength anymore. Also the only loo in the house is upstairs. Also people will be here soon from the program and her grandchild .that she should perseve her strength and energy for that.

She gets cross and tells me that she can do whatever she wants in her house and that I’m not the boss of her. That she feels like a prisoner in her own home… that I’m there to help and listen to her.

I sometimes feel just letting her doing whatever she wants, but then if she were to get injured or something…I would get ridiculed and perhaps jailed…of course tossed out of her home.

Sometimes I feel like I’m as worse or more than her family always having to tell her what to do…and forcing her to do things she doesn’t want

If it were up to me, I’d let her do whatever she wanted and would respect her wishes…as it is her life…but since she doesn’t have any end of life planning, last requests, or planned health care… I can’t or I’d face legal repercussions. …and she refused to sort those things out.

She would be at some sort of peace if she did. That way she could refuse everything that she didn’t want and be legally protected and hopefully respected by her family…

So now, she’s back to acting as if nothing’s wrong and she hasn’t done anything to me.

Trying to engage in conversation and everything…

I’m just trying to remain silent as much as possible…I already cried silently to myself this morning …

I’m just always on edge …waiting for the next thing to happen…

I don’t understand why I have deserved this life, but whatever made everything or specifically me, and whatever’s in charge feels like I do…and perhaps gets enjoyment and entertainment out of my suffering.