I’ve been with my foster mom for 30 years and i have always suffered verbal abuse and insults from her and sometimes her family. In previous posts I’ve described some of my life in previous posts and basically ive suffered all kinds of abuse my entire life…
Even though my foster mom is now 91 with dementia…she is still verbally abusing me from time to time.
Today a neighbor who also has dementia offered us some extra groceries she purchased mistakeningly because shes not thinking clearly.
. i told my foster mom to tell her we couldn’t use them because our refrigerator is packed due to her family purchasing groceries for her. That we were very appreciative of the fact that she thought of us.
She called her and told her this, but since the lady was adamant about not having anyone to take them, my foster mother made it her personal issue and responsibility to call around stressing herself out to see if anyone could take them.
When my foster mom gets stressed she winds up more confused and eventually in the hospital.
I told my foster mom that i know that she wants to help, but this isnt her problem to worry about nor solve. My foster mother has always thought that it is her personal responsibility to find solutions for this neighbors problems. This neighbor has a victim mentality and rarely fixes or does things to improve her life. Relying on others to solve her problems for her. This has been going on ever since ive moved here.
This lady is actually nasty, blames others for her problems, has an entitled mindset (thinks that everyone should be available for her 24/7 at her becon call, when they tell her theyre unavailable she insults and talks about them unkindly) . She is also unappreciative of the things that others do to help her or for her…Their kind gestures are never enough.
She also is a burden on her family and calls often to complain to my mother about what theyre not doing for her (havent done her laundry, havent taken her places, haven’t cleaned her home, etc…) This lady refuses or pushes away all hired help. Shes had workers from the state helping her with daily tasks and life, but they were driven away by her constantly complaining, being unappreciative, and blaming them for things they didnt do.
This neighbor is having a difficult time living alone, and doing a lot of tasks herself. She calls my foster mom often to complain about her unfortunate circumstances.
My foster mother is always worried about this neighbor and tries to take on the responsibility of trying to figure out this lady problems herself…when shes sickly herself.
My foster mom is always calling around places to get this lady help, despite me telling her that this neighbor has declined all help and doesn’t want these things. I have explained to my foster mother that this lady needs to do things to improve her life .
That this lady needs to realize the grim reality of her situation and make adjustments… such as either accepting state help and being accomodating…or researching local income based retirement homes or communities to move into. That her house is no longer in accommodation for her needs.
This lady often guilt trips my foster mother, and she starts feeling really badly and more depressed. I use to tell my foster mom, to be wary of this lady and to perhaps put distance between the two…as this lady doesn’t care much about her. This neighbor lady years ago multiple times have tried to get me to abandon mt foster mother and come take care of her. She has even crudely asked me this in front of her face multiple times.
I told my foster mom that anyone who tries to “steal” away the person who they know is helping you with daily life, knowing that you’d be left scrambling trying to get someone else…is not your friend and does not care about you. I told my foster mom that theres plenty of other help available if she wanted help. That all she had to do is make phone calls and accept it.
This lady has been living in her home for 50 years without railing to her basement steps, and for many years my mother has been trying to get her a railing, including burdening her family (who offered to pay for one to be installed) which the neighbor refused plenty of times. I told my foster mother that she should respect this lady decisions that she makes for her own life.
My foster mother does not see things this way, and still often tries to interfere and intrude.
This neighbor has fallen multiple times in her home, has fallen in the bathtub and couldn’t get out for a few hours, has become sickly sometimes to the point where she didnt have the strength to ring for help, but she still refuses to move.
Last year, this neighbor changed her telephone number that she had for 40 plus years and didn’t offer her new number to my mom untill my mother took it upon herself to ring her family involving them , and they called her grandson who gave the number.
The lady claimed she had forgotten to give my foster mother her number, or tell her about the number change even though everyone in her family and some others had her number. It had been a month before my foster mother obtained it. My foster mother believed her story, despite me telling her that she simply didn’t want her to have it.
So today after i told my mother basically it isnt her problem and that its this neighbors job to find a solution to the food problem herself…my foster mom told me shes glad that she isnt like me because im absolutely heartless. That i dont have a heart and wasn’t raised properly…etc…
All my life i have put the needs of others ahead of my own. I always come last…For my foster mother to say these things and worse everytime that i disagree with her is still very hurtful…and still cuts deeply.
Also, am i wrong for not wanting to hear about this lady’s problems constantly? That it makes me sad that she is living like this…i care for her deeply but i am dealing with alot and a lot of depression in my personal life already… added depression isnt good for me…when daily im struggling…
After this lady calls and complains my foster mother often spends a good amount of time discussing her problems with me multiple times. When she senses my disinterest or lack of response…she gets angry and tells me that i am heartless, and going to “hell” when i pass…because i dont care about anything. That im selfish and only care about myself. That she can understand why i haven’t any friends or relationships because they would terminate me.
Is it wrong to just want silence and to not have to listen to others complaints??
I care too much about others…even strangers and their saddness and struggles effects me deeply, especially knowing that i am powerless to help.
This lady wond up giving her neighbor and grandson who was visiting (in her house when she called my foster mom) the food.
Am i just insensitive selfish and cruel like people have been telling me my entire life i am??