Scared for what the future holds for me

Sorry if this is all over the place. Not even totally sure if anybody will see this. But I have to get my thoughts and feelings out somewhere where people won’t judge me or make fun of me or make me feel bad or make a joke out of it. I have been struggling for years now with depression and anxiety. I have not yet had a medication that worked out for me long term. I always feel out of the loop and separated from the groups I’m in. I feel that I’m annoying for the groups that I actually like, even just at the lunch table. Doctors are looking into the very possible reality that I have ADHD as well, and I think that would make sense considering my impulsivity and general frustration with the things I say and do. The way I feel that people think of me makes me hate myself. I feel so ugly. I’m almost 17 and have never had a boyfriend. I’ve talked to them and I always get freaked out or they realize how shitty I am (or how crazy I seem with my mental disorders), and they leave. I feel like I will never find the connection I am looking for, and I’m afraid to die alone. My mental state makes it so that I’m never too sure if I will make it until the end of the week without an attempt. I can go a very long time without them, but once it starts getting bad again the ball just keeps rolling faster. I wish I wasn’t so ugly and annoying and I wish so many things about me were different. I have nothing that sticks out about me, no talent or sports that I’m good at. Really nothing about my character is compensation for another thing. I feel like it’s just all bad. As I said before, not thinking before I say things can cause me to say and do really mean things sometimes. I just sound like a judgemental bitch, when it was just an intrusive thought that made its way out of my mouth. But nobody cares about my excuses so I try to act like some kind of a hardass about it sometimes. I try to put up this front about how I feel about myself but it always comes crumbling down.
I’m scared of growing older and dying one day. Going to sleep at night hoping you wake up to see your family the next day. I have had a plan going on in the back of my head for so long. I don’t exactly doubt that it will happen either. The plan is once my cats die and I’m moved out, I will detach myself even further from society. I will have nothing. I can just quietly put myself to rest by my own terms, and I wouldn’t have to feel such a heavy weight on my shoulders all the time. It would be hard but I’m just so scared and don’t know where else to turn. I have doubts in most faiths. I’ve tried. But I’m constantly thinking and overthinking. This might read like nonsense but just writing all of my scattered thoughts out has helped a little. Thanks to anybody who goes through the absolute trek of reading this. Anybody on this site spreading positivity (even positive energy) is appreciated. Thank you and I hope you have the best day ever.

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I’m proud of you for posting, please don’t ever feel the need to apologize.

I totally understand the being 17 and no relationship- I’m 18 and friend same. But that does not decrease your worth- your worth does not depend on another person. I know how sometimes we just really want that to make us feel whole- I totally get it. It takes time though friend, it takes time. You are not alone.

I get the just wanting to disappear part as well. Sometimes I have the same thoughts- but you deserve to live and be happy, want to know why? Because you are breathing. You are important and valued because you are breathing.

Focus on the good things- cats, animals- yes our animals do pass on but don’t you think they want you to stay and keep living and find joy?

I see my animals as being reincarnated into other animals that I will adopt- like I know that my dog Buddy from when I was like 5 is going to come back one day- I just gotta keep waiting.

It may sound silly and I may sound crazy but we all cope in different ways- the key is finding healthy ways of coping.

Please keep holding on, please keep reaching out to us.

You are loved.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal blurryface)