Scared of the Darkness

I’m tired, exhausted, I sleep barely 4 hours a night. I feel sick all the time. I’m lonely where I live, in a town I know no one. Work 45 min away 55+ hours a week with little time off. I almost have no friends around besides the ones on here. I feel stuck, like I’m not accomplishing anything in life in this moment.

I thought 6 months ago me taking this job at this store would be the best thing for me and further my career but now it’s just wearing on me physically and mentally. I have no time for myself or to make new friends outside of work with drive time and work I’m gone for 12+ hours a day.

I found out yesterday that my Grandpa is sick again, he cant eat by himself, cant hardly walk. he is 73 years old and its killing me. we are a very small family and i’m SCARED of when my head is going to take me when his time is come which i know is soon. I’ve never had to deal with much death in the family and scared of it…

i also found out that after my aunt being clean and sober for 20 years, she relapsed into heroine and robbed a bank and a small deli… i found out by accident because my mom wasn’t or “forgot” to tell me.

i feel like my family is being slowly torn apart and i HATE it!

I can feel this darkness of being alone pull me closer and closer. im not one for self harm or anything like that but i know i will just shut down and hide.

i am always one to always help others and encourage others when they are dealing with there problems but fail to ask for guidance with my problems

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Dude, super appreciate you reaching out – especially when you feel the person most people come to and you give advice, it’s courageous for you to open up and share your own.

Sounds like everything in life right now is mostly a whirlwind of loneliness and powerless in this vortex of pain…you’ve got this daily existence of loneliness, feeling like you’re dragging yourself to work, and dragging home, and opening the door knowing it’s just you, as always, here again, still alone…then you wake up to repeat the cycle of go to work alone, come back alone, live alone…it’s been a subtle jab over the past few months, but with enough persistence, that jab now feels like a knife into your gut because it’s been for so long, and now you can’t ignore it…it feels like you walk through life and work now with this injury, with this deficit, and everything is filtered through that feeling of lack…add to that constancy of pain that you’ve got all of these events that are happening outside of your control, that are painful, and painful to people you love, and you feel completely powerless to influence them at all…all it feels you can do is watch from afar and be hurt as their lives tumble downward…and then, that powerless pulls to mind the loneliness, because it feels in large part like your loneliness isn’t something you can change either…so it just feels like life is heavier every day and you don’t know how much longer you can bear all of this pain without doing something you’ll regret later.

That’s a lot, bro. I’m sorry you feel so in over your head…really glad you unloaded here, because looking on paper at what you’re going through might help you sort out your feelings and look at it more clearly. It sounds like connection is vital…because both of the problems you’re facing have to do with connection…connecting with people, just for fun, for life, for laughs, for hangs, and connecting with family, just to express your love and care for them. Sounds like connection is vital. What’s the first connection step you can make? – just one, not the whole kibosh…what’s the first connection?


I have been in your shoes. I promise you that sometimes what we thought was the answer to our problems just creates more. I work 45 minutes from home too but I love my job and I am happy regardless of the travel. Your job is stressing you out and causing you lots of problems, snowball effect. It could be something else being the foundation for that stress but you need to start looking for the source so you can work on things. When I was working at a job I thought I loved, I tried to kill myself because I was so unhappy. It’s easy to lie to yourself when something good or beneficial (in this case money/career) is involved. There is a better job out there for you, don’t limit yourself to what you thought was the right path. If you don’t mind me asking, what is it that you do?

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I am an assistant store director for a retail grocery store Safeway. I do know that my job does stress me out, it is just very hard when I’ve put in so much time an effort to get to where I am just to find something else, this is basically all I know.

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It’s all you know Now. But you are able to learn something new and able to use your knowledge and experience from this job in other areas. My current job is the only job I went into already knowing what I was doing, and the only reason I got it was because I was fired from my last job doing the same thing. Chaos helps us grow and change as individuals and better ourselves. Maintaining a stagnant and miserable lifestyle just because you have convinced yourself that it’s all you are capable of is just making you more miserable. Don’t discount your brilliance. You can accomplish anything you put your heart and mind into :heart: