I think I figured out some stuff about myself but I’m scared that If I tell my actual therapist, she’ll confirm the things and then it will all be real. And then it’s just more things I have to deal with. I’m also scared the opposite will happen and that my therapist won’t take my concerns seriously and blow me off like everyone else. Even if I get diagnosed it’s like people are still going to be horrible. I can’t win. If I’m undiagnosed people are horrible to me. If I’m diagnosed people are still horrible to me. Everything feels pointless. Human beings are just horrible and nothings seems worth doing. People hate that I exist and I’ll never be able to please people or be able to get them to understand me. Nothing I do matters. I’m also scared about confidentiality because I know people lie and backstab and I’m just tired. I don’t want my therapist to betray me. People only care about themselves. They don’t care how much they hurt someone or how much damage they cause. If I give any criticisms whatsoever people pull some bullshit to try and justify their bad behavior and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of people’s bullshit.
Hello An1,
Straight talk, first things first. If your therapist is a trusted, licensed therapist then they will take you seriously, listen, and respond appropriately. Your therapy sessions should be a safe space where you can be honest and get the guidance that you need. If you have concerns that your therapist will betray you, then perhaps talk to them about your overarching concerns of trust and confidentiality first. Once resolved, you can delve into the other issues.
Please do not be so hard on yourself. I know easier said than done, but love yourself first. You deserve to be happy. You do matter. What you do does matter. Yes, some people can be horrible but not everyone. If possible, surround yourself with positive people or people you can trust and bring you joy. Also, try to focus on what is going right in your life…the things that make you smile, the little improvements, and the things or people that you are thankful for in your life.
I hope you will be able to have the conservation about trust and confidentiality with your therapist. You deserve to have a safe space.
Hi, An1.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I think you have some legitimate concerns. But, it is better to face the fear of negative outcomes and take a chance sometimes. The odds are in favor of things working out for the best. Sometimes outcomes are bitter-sweet (we have to wade through manure to reap the benefits of fertilized soil that brings wonderful crops after all). You said so much… I’m glad you did… In response, I just really want to encourage you that you personally matter very much. Whatever you decide to do will lead you down a path, hopefully to well being. As with any trail, you’ll have to step on some rocks, maybe move some out of the way, slip in the mud and such. It’s ok. You will get to where you’re going if you keep trying and don’t give up. We can’t control other people’s behavior (wouldn’t it be nice if we could), all we can do is try to look at it a different way, when possible. I wish you the best and hope you will post again if you need to.
I value you. Thanks again for posting.
It’s understandable to fear the moment you’d eventually choose to talk about something that could generate reactions you don’t want to have to deal with. Whether it’s the confidentiality aspect with your therapist or just how people have been treating you, it’s painful to feel like there would be no safe space to be yourself authentically. A place where people would actually see you and hear you, instead of wanting you to be a certain way or to say certain things.
From my humble experience, naming things that scared me has always been a very difficult step, but also a freeing one. For a long time I was afraid of saying things like “I was sexually abused” or “I have suicidal thoughts”, because as you said it suddenly makes everything more real. It’s like once you say it you can’t move backwards: you have to deal with the reality it implies, and even more with how it makes you feel. In many ways walking through this fear of naming things has been incredibly freeing too. It helps somehow because it pushes you to see a situation (or a diagnosis) as something that you didn’t ask for and was not in your control. Therefore if anyone judges you for it, it really is on them and on their inability to use their empathy. Somehow, naming things helps to feel more empowered, and to distinguish between what you can do, what belongs to you, from what actually belongs to others.
When someone reacts poorly or judges you, it says something about their inability to connect with you personally. But it also frees you of feeling like you would be responsible of how they feel - that somehow you would have to “fit in” and be someone you’re not.
I hope you’ll have the possibility to brave your fears on that matter and just try to talk with your therapist. You may not control the outcomes - how they may react -, but you could go to bed at the end of the day knowing you did someting good for yourself, for your heart, for your peace. Because every step taken towards healing is worth it and important. If this therapist happens to be someone who’ll walk alongside you on this journey, then that’s amazing and you’ll have a strong ally there! If they don’t, that is okay too, and there would be potentially someone more equipped out there to be that person for you.
Through all of this, rest assured that right here you are valued and appreciated as you are. It doesn’t matter what kind of struggle you have or what kind of diagnosis you may have to process. You are alive, breathing - you are you! And that is all this world needs for you to be.
Hold Fast. 
Hiya @An1 
Gosh, I’m reading your post and my first thought is what a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions you are navigating through at the moment. I want to start off by saying that is totally valid and okay, given the weight of what you’re dealing with. Exploring and bringing emotions like this to the surface is a difficult thing for anybody to do, but you have aced it! Self-Awareness is an important aspect of healing, but I think you are already taking steps in the right direction.
Therapy Apprehension is perfectly normal. Therapy makes us vulnerable, and then we are required to spill our heart and soul out to someone we’ve never met or known in our lifetime. That in itself is daunting. However, your therapist is there to support you, and they are only concerned with your wellbeing. Therapists train for years, from college, to university and then there’s on the job training too. Their job is to handle sensitive information with care. They have a set of ethics to follow, which means they must prioritise trust and privacy above everything else. A good starting point is to express your fears to your therapist who can help you. But also remind yourself that building trust takes time.
Having fear or anxiety about someone confirming your suspicions, beliefs or concerns is okay. I also know that it can be daunting, but it’s a chance for validation and understanding. Knowing more about yourself can help you conquer the challenges you face with clarity and ease. I should also say that diagnosis isn’t a chance to label or define you - rather it helps you get a clear sense of self. A diagnosis certainly won’t change how others feel about you, but it gives you tools to become your best advocate.
Acknowledging pain, rejection and mistreatment from previous experiences is also vital. I understand that you feel disillusioned, hopeless and lost whilst surrounded by negativity. However, the actions and words of others do not and will never define you. Your worth is inherent, regardless how others see you. You deserve so much better, and it’s okay to set boundaries when this isn’t happening.
Life’s meaning and purpose can be an elusive cliche in my opinion. Even more so when faced with darkness and despair. However, even in these moments there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. You have a great power, which is that you can shape the direction of your life, focusing on what matters most to you. This takes a lot of time and effort, but every small step is a victory.
You are resilient, courageous, and deserving of love and acceptance just as you are 
Hi, thanks for sharing,
First things first whatever is on your mind should be shared with your therapist if they are a licensed professional they can’t blow you off or not take your concerns seriously it is their job to do so and they have to respect doctor-patient confidentiality if they don’t they can lose their job. Your therapy sessions should be a safe space where you can spill anything and should feel safe if you feel unsafe or unsure of sharing things with your therapist you should consider finding someone else to talk to. Give yourself some credit you are trying to get better you are talking to us and your therapist You need to learn to love yourself and not care what other people think about you. At the end of the day, people are going to think what they want to no matter how hard you convince them otherwise. Just learn to care about yourself and not others and do things that make you happy. HEAL