Screaming but no one hears me

If I stopped breathing, would anyone notice? If I just stopped trying, I wonder what would happen.
I feel like my entire being is just screaming for people to see me.
But I don’t deserve it, hell I don’t even know if it would help. I feel so numb and so exhausted at the same time.
One minute, Im fine. A small invasive thought later and Im shattering into pieces.
I feel like I’m slowly going insane and everyone is telling me it’s going to be okay, but it isn’t okay.
Nothing is okay.

Every single interaction is dissected and analyzed and Im either shit for not doing one thing or for doing something.
Im shit for not reaching out, Im shit for even needing to reach out. Whatever I do, whatever I think, feel or see… it’s all just negative.
I feel like Im imploding and nobody sees what is going on. Slowmo people going about their stuff around me and it’s this weird thing where I think maybe others are the insane ones.

I wanna scream on the top of my lungs that my own mind is trying to destroy me.
But all that comes out is just a big fat nothing.
I don’t selfharm, I haven’t tried to kill myself but sometimes I wish I had. Maybe someone would worry or hear me screaming.
I don’t belong here, or anywhere.

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Palefires. You know I say this out of love. NO YOU DONT. We have spoken so much and gotten really close recently and fuck you’ve shown me some strength. For starters - I love you so freakin much and I would be devastated if I found out something had happened to you. You’ve become one of my best friends and it hurts me to see you like this.
The thoughts you’re having right now - they’re not true. You don’t wish you self harmed. You don’t wish you had tried to take your life. You DO belong here. As someone who’s been harming for years I can promise you it isn’t worth it. Being a self harmed or not doesn’t dictate whether you deserve to be helped here or not. It’s okay to scream. Scream here. We WILL hear you. You are worth more than falling into the trap of self harm or suicide attempts. You’re beautiful and so incredibly strong. You’re in recovery for aspects of your life as much as I am and it’s hard - but you’re fighting and doing a damn good job of it. Keep reaching out to us. We will get you through this.

Hold fast.

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Kayla is right. Please, scream to us as much as you would like-- we want to listen. You do belong, you belong with this community. We love you and want you to succeed. Thoughts be really be the worst, just know that they are dynamic and moldable. You are going to get through this.

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First I am so sorry you are struggling with this. But let me say that you do belong and you are not crazy or etc… for sharing this here. We love you so much for who you are. I SEE YOU! It is hard to believe as we are not in the same place. I know that it feels like you dont deserve the help but you truly do you deserve so much and that is hard to say that you need or want the help. I get the screaming for people to understand and get it and sadly sometimes even when we share with them what is going on they just dont get it. I know that seems simple but let me just say others do feel this way others do struggle with this. Life is so hard and it feels like there arent others who can understand makes it so so much harder but let me say you are NEVER EVER ALONE. I know that battle feels like it but you arent. I am going to be honest that no too people are going to have the same experiences but we can relate. I get the wanting to scream my lungs off but it just wont happen and even than will it help. YOU DO BELONG HERE.

I want to tell you some truths:

I am going to say that you are not these thoughts because they are lies they may feel truthful but it is learning that these are lies. I battle with that battle with not believing the lies in my head.

Hold fast
I am here if you want to talk ever

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I am so sorry your going through this and I’m sorry its hard. I may not be in the same position as you, but you do belong here, and you do deserve to be alive. remember you’re worth it friend.

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i relate to what you said so much my wife asked me to unload the dishwasher and i couldnt and five minutes later i wanted to die, i understand how it feels not to matter but you do. we dont she it when we are in the dark place and we are scraming at the top of our lungs but for me i am only screaming on the inside and not telling people how i feel idk if thats you. people care about you i am just some dude on the internet but i care for you as does everyone at hs.

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What Ash said.

I love you. We love you. You are not invisible and we CARE ABOUT YOU. Keep your head up and hold fast. I am always here for you if you need a friend and mentor. I relate to this SO much.

All the hugs,

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Hey there @Palefires

First off, I want you to know that you are so very loved here. I know that feeling this way is incredibly hard, I’ve felt a similar way. We can be so hard on ourselves when it feels like our minds are against us.

For the longest time (and sometimes even now), I struggle with my worth too. I used to self harm because I didn’t value myself and thought that I somehow deserved pain and all of the crap that I went through. It was rough. I even tried to end my life a few times. It has taken so much….support from PMac, Ash, Dan, Casey, Nate, John, and so many others here at HS to learn to love myself, be confident in who I am, and see my value. PMac and Ash actually work on it almost everyday even still! Friend, I don’t believe you are shit. I don’t believe you are worthless. I do believe you are broken and hurting….but I also believe that things will get better. Hell, I am living proof there is hope. If there wasn’t hope, I shouldn’t still be here.

Scream. Find some way to let out that frustration. (For me, I angry/stressed/upset bake! Pounding the crap out of some cookie dough does wonders.) The lies your mind/mental illness are telling you are not true. You’ve got this. You can fight through this rough time. You can learn to love yourself. I believe in you. Love you friend.

Behind you always. Always sending love.

P.S. Message me here if you need to! (Im on Discord, Twitch, everything pretty much)

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@Palefires You’re loved friend.
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Hey @Palefires,

My heart breaks for you. Trust me, SO many people would notice if anything terrible happened to you. I used to think I was alone as well, until I burst-fractured my lower spine. People came out of the woodwork to wish me well and told me that they care for me. It was honestly a little overwhelming. The same applies to you - if anything happened I guarantee people who you haven’t talked to in YEARS would reach out and offer you their best wishes. We love you and we want to see you beat this!