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Searching for reasons

What would keep you alive if you had nothing left? And why?

I am just searching for reasons, because I gave up on explaining myself.

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Some things that have kept me going when I felt like I couldn’t or didn’t want to.

  • My loved ones. Be it friends, people I care about, family. I know that I often can feel alone in my thoughts and in my head, but I know that I have people that love me. Both in my direct life and here on these forums.

  • Although I do not have my biological family in my life due to unhealthy things, I have created a family among my friends and the people in the community. These are people I love and cherish. And I try to think on them when I feel hopeless.

  • Other things that help keep me going is that, deep down in my heart I know that I don’t want to give up. I get so tired of feeling like I want to. So I thrive because I want to stop feeling that way. I want to find a way to feel better.

  • There are often times where I hurt because of the people who have caused me pain in my life. Abusers who have caused trauma and difficult challenges to face. I have people in my life that have treated me poorly and cruel. I do not want to give them control over me and my emotions. So I thrive to keep going because I want to show them and others who have hurt me that they can’t stop me from living. They can’t stop me from fighting. They don’t control me and my life. I refuse to let them. So even if I struggle to heal and overcome it, I keep fighting.

  • Another thing that keeps me alive is because I have gone through so much pain in my life and I know that there are so many others that struggle the same. I want to help them. I wan’t to advocate for them. I want to show them they are not alone. I keep going because I want to make a difference. Even if just in small ways.

These are just a few things that keep me going. But there are also things that I try to continue to learn even if I don’t always know how. And those are things like

  • I am worth loving.
  • I love myself (This one is especially hard for me right now but I am trying my best)
  • I do hold value even if I struggle to believe it.
  • My experiences matter even if people have made me feel otherwise.
  • My life is worth living.

I don’t always know how to face these facts. I don’t always know how to believe them. But it’s true. Same goes for you.

  • You are worthy of love. From others AND from yourself
  • You hold value
  • You, your experiences and your feelings matter.
  • Life is worth living. Even if right now you are struggling.

You deserve to be heard. So if you need to talk about whats on your mind and why you may feel like you don’t know how to keep on going, lets talk. <3

hugs

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I used to think the same way you do, but humans are shit and I am too tired to search for the one person I maybe never find. I changed and somehow I want to see the whole world burn and suffer. I want people to see what they did to me. I don’t know if revenge is the right word but something like this. I know it doesn’t make me any better, but I don’t care about that anymore. I want them to see how I feel and think. That I am full of anger and disappointment. But I also know, that the people who hurt me won’t see it and no one will ever understand me.
When I think of suicide I think of going with a message, that’s going to hit as many people as possible.

I know that every person is worth loving and so on, but why are so many people unloved? Why do people only care if it is already too late? If I would do nothing today literally no one would give a fuck about me, but the moment I kill myself everybody starts to “care”. I don’t get it.
“People cant read your mind, you have to talk to them if you are feeling bad or have a problem.”
Why don’t they always care and show love to people they really care about.
“They might have their own problems/ other friends/whatever.”
Why making new friends/calling someone a friend if you have other friends you care more about? Why are fake friends a thing? Why is lying a thing?
I just don’t get it.

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It wasn’t always easy to think that way. Because yes, some people are shit. Some people are cruel. And sometimes even our own family and friends can be cruddy. Something in life that hit me over and over. I faced a family that always put me on a back burner, I had friends leave me for selfish reasons, I had friends that I thought were truly there and later realized it was only because they needed something. It sucks. And it hurts. And for many years I felt the way you did. Angry. Upset. Furious, even. And for a long time I just wanted them to see how they made me feel and wanted to get back at them.

It’s natural and understandable to feel so angry when people are so incredibly hurtful. I have spent a great deal of time trying to understand people and why they are as they are. Why they rather hurt people instead of care for them. I’ll never get it.

But as I mentioned, I got tired of being angry. I got tired of living in such hateful emotions. And I got tired of giving these people control over me. No, this is my life. My heart. My body. I’m not letting those people destroy what belongs to me because I deserve better than that and so do you.

You have every right to be upset but you also deserve to be heard! You deserve to talk about the things that make you angry so that those who are good, those who care those who want to support you can. Friend, yes a lot of people suck but there are so many people out there who care. There are so many people out there who would love and value you. Because you do hold value, you do deserve to be loved and you deserve to be reminded that by people.

Many times I have asked myself and even those who have hurt me why they wait till I’m on the edge and about to fall off before they even show sign of caring. I have asked many times. And I’ve often wondered why those who have hurt me didn’t care in those moments.

Friend, I don’t know what you have gone through or what you have faced, but I’m so sorry that those things have pushed you to feel so intensely upset and like this.

If you are willing to talk about it, we’re willing to listen. Seriously. The things that have lead you to feel this way matters. So let’s talk about it.

You are among a community of incredible people. People that are so full of love and compassion and you deserve to be a part of that.

You matter. Your feelings matter.

I’m so sorry that some people suck. But we care. Okay?

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Hi @ukkap,

I don’t mean to interfere in your discussion, but wanted to respond to what you just shared.

I know that every person is worth loving and so on, but why are so many people unloved? Why do people only care if it is already too late? If I would do nothing today literally no one would give a fuck about me, but the moment I kill myself everybody starts to “care”. I don’t get it. “People cant read your mind, you have to talk to them if you are feeling bad or have a problem.”
Why don’t they always care and show love to people they really care about.

I guess we all have some kind of natural tendency to consider that what we have is acquired. Just because we don’t like to think about the possible losses that we’ll have to experience in our life, even though it’s entirely part of our existence. We don’t like to think that everything has to end one day. It’s human. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that people doesn’t care. I personally care about the people I love. Sincerely. With all my heart. But I’m not going to show it/say it to them everyday. I also have my own life, and it’s not selfish to say that.

There is still a possibility that you didn’t encounter the right people in your life. You are right: some people genuinely don’t care. It doesn’t mean they’re not able to change one day… but still, there is some balance to find in every relationship. You can’t only be the one who give. You have to be respected for who you are. There is not obligation to have “fake friendships”. You have still the possibility to decide the kind of friendships you want to have, based on your expectations and past experiences.

I hear your disappointment, anger, frustration. This need to be seen, heard and acknowledged also because of how you’re feeling. Your feelings are valid. And I’m sorry you’ve been hurt before. Somehow, we all have this capacity to hurt others. But it doesn’t mean that everyone on Earth is going to chose violence or ignorance, rather than love and compassion. No one is perfect. But there are people who chose to do what they can to make this world a batter place.

It takes time to heal when you’ve been hurt before. It takes time to trust others again. Trust is never acquired entirely though, and it can be destructed so easily. But you are worthy of love and to be shown that you are cared for. Your past experiences doesn’t define you. And what others did to you doesn’t apply for everyone on this planet.

For what it’s worth, you’re seen right here and right now. I understand you’re anger. I’ve been quite despaired and grieving my faith in humanity as I too have been hurt before. And to be honest, it has been restored thanks to this community. I ended to think that this world was only painted in black and white, good and bad, even if it went against some values that are dear to my heart. But that’s not true. This world is more complex. Relationships can be extremely complicated, as it’s always a combination of two unique human beings. But there is still a possibility to meet the right ones. To meet those who will support you, encourage you, those who will show you that you are loved.

There is a thought that a friend in this community shared with me recently, and I’d like to share it with you as well: “Tomorrow is always a new day, a chance for a good day. And a chance is always worth it in my book.”. That chance also applies to you. Hope is scary, I get that. And healing is a long process. But those experiences you had can actually help you to regain some confidence, to identify what you expect in your relationships, also in your life. It will help you to build healthier, stronger relationships. But of course, you have to give yourself a chance to see it.

You are among friends already. Right here and right now.

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It is exactly the opposite for me. I am tired of pretending to be happy, to smile, to fight for happiness. And I kinda like it to be angry and full of anger. I don’t know why, but it feels good. All this anger and sadness is like a drug for me. I know that it destroys me, but I like the feeling of it.

I tried once to explain myself. And I probably will never do it again, because I felt really bad after that and I also hate to complain. But even if I did, you wouldn’t understand it. There is too much going on in my head and there are not enough words to even try to explain it. In addition to that, I’m the worst one in explaining. There is no way I will talk about it again.

I know you want to help me, but I don’t think anyone can help me right now.

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Thats my problem, I found out, what kind of friendship would be good for me. Thats why I think I will never find that person. Friends were everything for me. Most of my life I only had 1 friend at a time, because I invest so much in them and don’t have the time/motivation/will to invest in 2 friends. The problem with that is, that they always had more friends and couldn’t give me anything back, so they left me. I thought about changing my behaviour, but my head and my heart are telling me, that this wouldn’t be real anymore. I would treat new friends different/less appreciated than my old friends, because of my past. That wouldn’t be fair to them. Because of that, I don’t want to change my behaviour/love my new friends less. And this is why I won’t find the friendship I want.

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@ukkap

Well, it’s already pretty awesome to be aware of all of this. It sounds that you’ve been thinking about it a lot already. You have a great sense of self-awareness. It’s a strength. But on the other side, it can become destructive if you tend to rationalize everything to the extremes - this is not a critic though, we all tend to do that sometimes, and I totally include myself in this.

On the same page, I personally think that it’s a great quality to seek for meaningful relationships rather than having a lot of superficial ones. But it’s quite a struggle sometimes. I understand, seriously. I am just unable to build nor nourrish “fake friendships” as you said before. It’s exhausting, pointless.

I can only talk from my own experience, obviously. But I truly think that even if some people are able to handle many friendships at the same time, they also can be sincerely invested in them and be willing to create a feeling of reciprocity. It’s not only a guessing. I saw that in my life already - and somehow I respect those who are able to do that. I’m not saying that what you describe doesn’t exist. Just that the other side of it can also be real. But it can be hard to even believe it when you’re already hurting and didn’t have the occasion to see it by yourself. That’s also why this community exists. To share our experiences so we can start to see and think beyond them.

I don’t know what exactly happened to you before. But it sounds that you’ve been indeed very disappointed and hurt. I’m sorry that those you loved left you. Really. That’s not love. That’s not friendship. When something isn’t functioning, there is always a possibility to talk, to try to see if something can be done. Somehow, leaving you was the expression of their own defeatism.

You said something very important though:

I thought about changing my behaviour, but my head and my heart are telling me, that this wouldn’t be real anymore.

There’s so often a huge gap between how we feel and what we know as being healthy for us. I’m quite an expert of self-sabotage. I can’t count the amount of times that I listened to my mind and heart rather than my inner intuition, my guts… you know, this little, almost unreachable voice telling you what could be good for you. It’s not easy to listen to it. It requires to be out of our comfort zone. To accept to try to do things differently… but everything has to arrive at the right time. Maybe it’s too soon for you. Maybe there is something that has to be repaired first. I read what you said on your other reply. This need for anger, the fact that you like it. Injustice, whether it happens to others or ourselves, can lead to some destructive behaviors. You can regain some confidence and hope progressively. But it doesn’t have to be done at your own expense or others. So I’d like to ask: what could help you right now to let this anger out in a healthy way? What tools, resources could you use for that?

To me, two things has been helpful over time: writing - a lot - and learning to be respectfully selfish. I have strong values. I tend to see life and relationships through those, so I can be easily disappointed and/or hurt. But as I’m aware of it now, I can take actions to protect myself, without preventing me to just… live, and take every positive things that this life has to offer to me. I still give as I can because I believe in the fact that it’s part of what makes this world less ugly. But I also listen to myself and to how I feel at the same time.

Over time, you won’t have to necessarily change your behavior. Maybe to question your expectations though. Sometimes we set it really high as it reflects the amount of pain we’re holding in our heart. But when you have unrealistic expectations, you just make a road for self-sabotage and disappointment. Again, I’m not saying it’s your case, as you didn’t give details about it. But what you just said makes me think of a quote from H-D.Thoreau: " “What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate.” This can also be applied to how we perceive this world and others.

I see you sharing, replying, explaining your situation and thoughts. And as much as I’m grateful to you for this, I can’t help but thinking that doing this means something. Means that, somehow, you’re seeking for something more, something different and healthier for you.

You don’t have to give up on who you are. And even if we don’t know each other, it is obvious to me that this anger and sadness aren’t you. It’s not satisfying in the long run, even if it feels more comfortable to let yourself drowned by it.

It may sound to be a silly reminder in this conversation, but you are loved and appreciated.

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I mean, friend, it didn’t just happen over night. I spent years pretending to people how happy I was when inside I was breaking and hurting. Many times it landed me in the hospital. I felt very alone in it. But for me, no, I didn’t like to be angry because it’s not the kind of person I wanted to be. So I started soul searching to find the things that I’m passionate about. And I found the things that make me happy. I left the places that were making me feel so miserable and found a happier place. It’s not perfect and sometimes I still find myself feeling angry when certain things arise and resurface those emotions. But I get through them.

You said it yourself, you know that it destroys you. You could instead try to find things that make you feel good, bring you joy and feel happier. You could seek out things that could help change how you are feeling. In the end, only you can do that. Sometimes therapy is really helpful. But if you don’t want it, then we can’t help you, you know? We can try to love you, care for you and offer you encouragement but if you don’t want it and rather be angry, then…I don’t know. I guess when you’re ready we’re here. We have a lot of amazing resources that you can take advantage of.

I encourage you, when you’re ready to look into those resources. Dwarf Planet is a book and guide through depression. This has been helping me greatly. There is also a 7 day free trial of online counseling through BetterHelp. https://heartsupport.com/resources/

Well, you could never know unless you tried. You never know the experiences that people have gone through here, that might be able to help them relate and understand. But, again, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.

When you’re ready. We’re here and willing. There ARE people willing to receive and hear you. Who see value in you, your life and feelings

You need only to embrace that.

I think this was really well said. Right here. And I can only echo this.

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@KittyKoyangi and @Micro
Thank you both for trying to help me. For trying to show me other perspectives. I will think about everything you said and I will probably come back to chat. We will see what time brings.

But before I forget:

I watch twitch streams, YouTube videos, to distract me from my feelings, when I need a break, but what really helps to let everything out is music. It helps me understand my feelings and accept them.

Thanks again and keep it up. You will hear from me.

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Hey, you’re welcome. And you’re welcome to DM me. Here or on discord. When you’re ready to come back we’re here.

Have you checked out the heart support streams? If you haven’t, you should come hang with us.

There are also a lot of encouraging videos on Heart Support’s YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCO2IpsRMSBaQlFor4NeP6uA

:heart:

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My kids and my mom. Otherwise, my life isn’ t worth living. I’m not worth knowing, caring about, or loving.

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Friend, you are worth loving, knowing and being cared for. Don’t tell yourself these lies. You hold value even if you don’t believe it.

hugs