This is a weird question. But maybe the possible reason my healing journey has little to no progress since atleast 5-10 yrs.
I do therapy sessions with a trauma informed therapist. Im diagnosed ADHD and possibly in the autistic spectrum (going for a test at a new center tomorrow and super nervous abt it!).
Our couples therapist told me that the reason I think/feel/cannot see or understand acts of love and affection by my husband is because I dont love myself (this is oversimplification… She said a much wiser version of this).
I know I have absolutely rotten self esteem and worth. I do value others over myself at the cost of my happiness and comfort.
I feel love FOR others.
Now, im not sure its love? I feel fondness, enjoy the company of people, i feel empathy, kindness… Indebtedness, desire to prove im useful if im a part of their life… And such stuff. But love 
. Im not sure.
I NEVER understand if somebody loves me. Words like I love you/love you is thrown around so much and so casually, I dont believe them to mean what they are meant to convey. Some friends suddenly message me with ‘hi! Long time… I love you:kissing_heart:
’… Which is supposed to be nice?
But, I dont ‘feel/believe’ I love yous.
I take them VERY seriously and ONLY say it when I mean it. Which is super rare too. Maybe some genuinely do mean it… But it just doesnt ‘register’, i dont feel joy/satisfaction/trust/happiness or whatever love is supposed to make me feel…
Sometimes, i can sense indifference, obligation and even distrust to words of affection. But the desire to hear them is strong. I need constant validation unfortunately.
I hope this makes sense.
Goes without saying my family is dysfunctional and love is given in measures - based on how well I behave/complaince to their nonsense/what I have to offer.
So somewhere online I found that CPT therapy helps with changing core beliefs/values. But its extremely rare and unfortunately, there aren’t any CPT practitioners in my country. Which isnt a surprise because even good CBT therapists are rare here.
- What has your self love, raising self esteem/worth journey been like?
- Did you actively seek to bring about change or as you got better/did more self healing, the self love etc grew/grows organically without putting in extra/exclusive effort? If you did put in the effort mindfully, how/what did you do to start?
- Any book (preferable), podcast/media recommendations?
- Any practical advice on how to start learning to love myself?
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Thank you for sharing such an honest reflection on your healing journey. It takes immense courage to open up about these feelings. I want you to know that you are not alone in this experience, we’re here with you at Heart Support! 
Your self-awareness and willingness to explore these complex emotions are significant steps toward growth.
It’s completely understandable to feel confusion around love, especially when your experiences have shaped such a negative perspective. The journey of self-love can be challenging, particularly when past relationships and family dynamics influence how we perceive affection. It’s a testament to your strength that you’re seeking understanding and clarity!
You mentioned wanting to feel love and validation. It’s okay to desire those things! Seeking reassurance and connection is a fundamental human need. Maybe starting small, like recognizing the moments when you feel good about yourself or practicing self-compassion can help.
For resources, I’d recommend exploring books like The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, which focuses on embracing vulnerability and self-acceptance. Podcasts like Unlocking Us also delve into these themes and may resonate with you.
Remember, self-love is not a destination but a journey that is often filled with ups and downs. Celebrate the small victories along the way and be gentle with yourself during this process. You are deserving of love and kindness, both from yourself and others! You’ve got this. Keep going.
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Hello @brittxmilla.
Apologies for the late reply. Too many things happened too fast for my brain to process.
Thank you for your reply. I will look into the book you mentioned.
Im terrible at listening to ANYTHING haha, so Ive given up on podcasts. I think Ill try it -again- by checking out ‘unlocking us’. 
Thank you again.
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Hey I know britt replied but I just wanted to jump on and ask how the autism assesment went? I know it can be very nerve wracking and stressful going into somewhere new like that and I hope it went well for you!
No apologies necessary! And you’re most welcome. 
Listening to podcasts is a fairly new thing for me. I understand they can be hard to listen to. I also have a 45min commute to work so driving and listening to a podcast kinda keeps me company and almost like I’m part of a conversation. Still doesn’t compare to reading and holding a good book!
Keep us posted with your progress! Love to hear your review of the book or if we can help recommend more reads!
Hi…
I had to do blood tests first (CBC, LFT, TSH, Vits etc)
It went well and I gor my results. After this I was supposed to go for DIVA 5 and Browns Executive function test the day after I typed it, the amount for it was a bit much and I chose to postpone it for about 2 weeks because my mom wasnt well… and I was given another date for it.
My mom has Polycythemia Vera (red blood cell cancer) and since is extremely slow progressing… She is fine physically with meds).
Around the time I was running about getting my stuff done, she was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer with metastasis to 10+ locations (all bones… Thankfully(?)) so I cancelled all the tests and appointments and now Im with her.
Ill fix new dates/appointments next year.
Its all a lot of money, time and effort that my effed up ADHD addled brain AND body cant handle.