Sh relapse

[ahhspencer]

tw self harm

i relapsed, like badly actually, super super badly. i bought blades for it, then i used those blades and i made like this mental checklist of all the things i needed to ‘achieve’ before i can stop and now i feel like i cant stop without doing everything and idk what to do about it because i know how this goes, i can feel myself getting that mindset of addiction again, making excuses, bargaining with myself, shit like that. i literally threw my blades out into an outdoor trash can then fished them out like an hour ago because i was so desperate, and i keep having these moments of clarity before i go back to needing and wanting. i feel like i need emergency mental help, like going to a mental hospital, but i cant because theyre all too expensive and theres none near me, and the hospital services are very very bad. im so so scared, i dont want to do this again but i already feel like i cant live without it. im so scared.

how do i stop this without help from anyone at all in my personal life? my mom doesnt know, my dad doesnt know, my friends dont know, no one knows about this relapse and no one will know about this relapse. its just gonna be me fixing this and i dont know how to do it alone, please help

[Mystrose]

@ahhspencer

how do i stop this without help from anyone at all in my personal life?

Have you tried the urge surfing I suggested in your last post? It’s actually something they teach in therapy and was originally created to treat addiction, so it’s a very valuable tool for people who can’t afford therapy or can’t go for some reason. I would highly recommend trying it. It does takes practice, but it works. I have self harm thoughts a lot and I have been using this.

[SheetMetalHead]

Telling other people about your relapse is the first step. You told us, and now that you know we know, you’ll feel more accountable.

Accountability is one key to breaking habits. AA isn’t therapy and doesn’t have a magical solution that gets people to stop drinking, it’s a support and accountability group. Long term successful recovery depends on people facing down their issues, but breaking the habit starts with acknowledging that there’s a problem and telling people about it. It’s a lot easier to stand strong against a struggle when you’re standing with others. If you don’t have anyone you’re comfortable standing with IRL, we will always stand with you

Mindfulness exercises are also good for breaking habits. It takes a lot of discipline, but when you get the urge to act out, try journaling. Write down what’s in your head. What, if anything, is driving your urge? What are you feeling? What do you hope to feel if you give in? Identifying those feelings, giving them names, and writing them down makes them real and forms neural connections. They’re no longer faceless Boogeymen, they’re real things that you can look at, identify, learn to recognize, and fight back against.

Besides journaling, if you pray, saying prayers is good for breaking the speed up to relapse. I was told about an app called One Minute Pause that guides you through a one minute spiritual meditation, and that has helped me get through urges. If prayer isn’t so much your thing, I’m sure there are similar apps to guide you through slowing down, catching your breath, and getting re-centered. Sometimes when your thoughts are spinning out of control, it’s good to just stop.

Finally, there are guide books to help start recognizing and disrupting these patterns. Heart Support has one called Re-Write that helped a lot of community members work on SH. It’s something you can keep in your backpack and work on without telling anyone.

I’m glad you were able to trust us with your struggle. Saying its name is daunting, but it’s an important first step toward taking back control.

[Sita]

You’re identifying what the addiction feelings are and you can see the patterns forming.
When the urge/need hits you, can you physically remove yourself and go outside, or go sit with your family, take a walk?

Does your family know that you struggle with this?
We’re here for you of course, and there are strategies to help you cope with the urges, but having additional support and knowing when you need critical intervention are important.