Two days away from 2 months clean and i’m extremely tempted to relapse. yesterday was a very bad day for me, with my mother lashing out at me again and getting aggressive, kicking my stuff and then handing me a half assed apology that i can’t even put faith into anymore, because i know it’s gonna happen again and again and again.
i got sidetracked, sorry, my point is that i’m really struggling since yesterday again and just want to give in. i know i shouldn’t, because this is the longest i’ve made it since almost half a year now i think? and i really want to crack my record of 115 days. but it’s so hard.
at least i’ll see my friends again tomorrow, i haven’t seen them since october. that’s the only thing that’s currently keeping me from relapse, but i don’t know for how long.
I’m so sorry that your mom’s behaviour is a source of constant stress to you. I see your struggles against it and I applaud you for the effort.
Let’s celebrate the positives here, though - you struggled with the temptation but you won yesterday!
Your mother needs an attitude adjustment it sounds like! Can you change up the surroundings to remove yourself from the temptation? Go out and spend time doing something to keep yourself busy, maybe prep something for seeing your friends tomorrow?
Remember all the reasons why you stopped before, and how great that feelings felt. Remember your motivations, and remind yourself that it is a temporary relief that is followed by a lot of negative emotions and feelings, and it’s not worth it. Talk through what you’re feeling here, or with someone you can be open with.
Can you try all the distraction tricks? Use a red ink pen and drawdrawdraw and channel the energy out that way? Any hobbies you can do that require focus and attention?
Milestones like these can be, in themselves, pretty stressful as they are approaching. We don’t want to mess it up so we’re likely to be more anxious about that possibility.
But… you will be okay. You can do this. You’ve been proving to yourself that you are able to not hurt yourself, even through times that were certainly difficult and when it was tempting to relapse. You have this strength within you. It is not gone.
Make sure to rely on the coping mechanisms that have been effective for you until now. Reach out as much as needed. Talk or rest as much as necessary. You can make it through. I believe in you.
