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She's gone.. but still haunting me

My favorite aunt, Sandy, passed away January 23rd, 2019. I miss her very much and it hurts like hell. I’ve broke into tears without provocation, nearly screamed into pillows, had dreams with her in them, and so much more. She passed away due to kidney cancer going into metastasis and spreading to the rest of her body. In fact, I’m crying right now as i type this, but I need to tell somebody about the hurt and pain I’m feeling. I just need to…

I don’t have very many memories of her… even though we were kinda close… She was gonna have me fly out and spend some time with her… just me and her… only for her to never come out of the hospital…

I went out to Arizona… Tuscon… Sat on a leather couch eating delivery chinese as i babysat her apartment with my dad… Went to the biosphere… the okay coral… I wanted to stay so bad but i couldn’t… I knew it would never work out… My life was frozen… happy… knowing I was helping my sick relative… never expecting the LAST memories i had of her were of her sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to a IV slowly dying.

What am i suppose to do? I can’t find the light in this darkness revolving around the death of my aunt… I don’t know why i cant just let go like the rest of everyone in my family but grandma… im suppose to be okay by now… im suppose to be fine… to be moving on with life without a shed tear when it comes to her… but here i am… at 1:40 in the morning… crying… sobbing… silently breaking down in the dark… and i cant do a damned thing but let the tears roll down my face and bite back the sobbing to the point my throat hurts…

1 Like

Mourning_Rose,

Those tears bear pain, yes, but they also bring healing. Those who mourn will be comforted. I don’t blame your tears…that they would betray some kind of weakness in you, some kind of fault or brokenness…I would thank them for expressing outwardly the things that you weren’t meant to hold in by yourself.

Thank you for letting them fall on this page.

Your aunt was dearly loved, and so are you. You’re safe to take the time you need to express the emotions you need to express – I invite you to continue to do so <3

-Nate

As Nate poetically and beautifully said your tears bear pain and healing. It’s clear that you she was loved and cared about until the very end and that is one of the ultimate compliments you can give someone. It shows that you helped her live life to the fullest and that is SO important.
Your emotions and feelings are totally valid and you are loved and cared about.
We’ll always be here for you, don’t hesitate to come back. Hold fast.

Everyone grieves differently. Even if you cannot see others’ grief does not mean that it is not there. Sometimes people only grieve in private. Sometimes people need to grieve in public. You experience your grief to the fullest extent because it is yours.