Signing Off for the Last Time

Well, it’s 4am, I have an exam in four hours, and here I am back on the support wall feeling lost broken confused and to put it simply… alone. I’ve always struggled with getting my feelings out on paper, so I’m just going to say it this way: Life really FREAKING sucks right now! So here’s why (btw this is kind of an update post as well)

After the mix of positive pregnancy test and negative ones, both from the doctors, as well as at home tests, I’ve realized that I just need to stand up, be an adult in this, and go finally get these answers. I have a doctors appointment scheduled for 9:30 AM and well to say that I’m a nervous wreck is an understatement, hence part of the reason I’m still awake…

But let’s add to this. As I came home from work tonight, I was scared. I realized hey… i’m bleeding. Maybe I started my period right? This is great I’m not pregnant… but then I was like okay well maybe this is something worse, because some spotting is normal during pregnancy… maybe it’s that… maybe I’m having a miscarriage at 6 weeks along and I don’t even know. And those are the thoughts going through my head right now as I’m laying in my bed alone, starring at these four walls as they are slowly caving in around me.

So usually I would end my posts with hold fast you’re worth it, monkey, that’s how I’ve signed every post since the beginning… but this time… it’s different. Tomorrow if I get the new that the pregnancy test is positive, then this will be farewell. The amount of shame and guilt I will be feeling, and you guys will be feeling towards me will be too much. So this could forever be farewell… and i’m so scared that, that is what it might be!!

So potentially signing off for the last time…
Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,

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Feel 0% shame or guilt towards you


Absolutely no guilt towards you, monkey, only support. That’s how it’s always been and always will. Here’s where you can come when things get hard/weird. Hold fast, Monkey.

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Monkey, there is no shame or guilt here. You are loved here and that’s how it’s going to be, no matter what’s going on in life.