Hey @Hannah_cruz,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart here with us. Thank you for your trust. You are more than welcome to talk about it as much as you need.
It is so brutal to lose a sibling, and in such a violent way. I know words are not enough, but my heart goes out to you friend. Your reactions, your emotions, what you are experiencing right now might feel out of control, but it’s normal to feel that way. It personally brings me back to how I’ve been feeling the first months after losing my brother, and it felt indeed very chaotic. What @integrityfailure said is something really important: there’s no right or wrong way to feel when it’s about grief. Regardless of how your relationship was with your sister, this is a sudden loss and a shock in your life. How you react is human, valid, understandable. You are allowed to cry, to be upset or over-emotional.
When my brother passed away, almost three years ago now, I was a mess. I didn’t understand my reactions either. It felt like I was running after myself constantly but wasn’t able to be the conductor of the train. I questioned my faith as well, even more than before, and felt guilty for that. But there are some deep emotions to process. And they all make sense.
I want to encourage you to welcome those emotions as they are, without telling yourself like you should feel a certain way. You can feel many different things during the day, it can also come in waves, but you are never wrong for feeling how you feel.
I’m also really glad that your boyfriend is supportive through all of this. If you feel like it’s dragging you down and not enough in the long run, please don’t hesitate to seek therapy as well. It doesn’t have to be a long-term thing. Can just be a one shot when you let everything you need off your chest. That’s what I did three years ago; it was needed to release a bit of the pressure and process what happened. If writing here can also help you to understand how you feel sometimes, you’re always welcome to do so.
Talking is okay, sharing is okay, letting your emotions out in a non-harmful way is okay. Many times I begged God, huddled on the floor, wrote down pages of journal in a short span or punched in a pillow. It felt weird sometimes. I couldn’t help feeling guilty and just wishing to have some control over my emotions. But those were, and are, special circumstances. You will find a sense of normality again, friend, and your heart will learn to be at peace, at its own pace. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to be supported as you need.
My heart breaks with you. Know that there is an entire community here willing to support you through all of this. You are not alone. 