Last night I tried to break my record of harm. How long could I go before the cutting became unbearable. I guess I do starve myself so I can be the smallest person. I don’t know why. I know I’m already good enough. But then again I do get blood too. Which I enjoy. I need help. I like self inflicted pain. A lot. I get to celebrate my birthday on Sunday. I did live to 14. How do I stop it? I enjoy it.
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do you have someone at school you can talk to? Counselor of some sort?
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You’re been struggling for a while, @Swix. And if you feel right now that things are out of your control, that you are diving into urges you can’t resist, then in order to stop it, you will need to ask for help. That way, you could be provided with spaces and resources that you could use in order to heal.
I think it was already suggested to you, maybe even by me, but here at HS there is also workbook called ReWrite to help ourselves heal from self-harm. It’s a resource that can even be used with a therapist, family or friends who support you. It can even be used with the community here.
As for us here, we cannot just keep witnessing your hurt without having the means to do anything. You post here for a reason. So I would like to ask: how can we support you, Swix? How can we communicate all together so we can help you take healthy steps given your situation?
It’s time to break down this cycle, friend.
You’re loved. 
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hello friend,
You sound like you’re liking it while not wanting to like it. It’s been ongoing for a bit. We are here to tell you that we love you and want to help and support. But sometimes it is also important and required to get outside actual help. You’re at the stage where you’re making games out of it, braking records and stuff. Have you ever spoken to your family about needed to see someone?
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I think I will look into ReWrite. I finally found time to be able to read it. I’m not sure how deep I’ll go into telling people I really trust, but I’ll at least try this first.
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That’s a very positive step, Swix. I’m glad you’re considering it. Not that it would be “the” only option. But at least it’s something to try.
Feel free to check on the Rewrite section of the forum (here: Topics tagged rewrite ) if you’d like to share and discuss your thoughts about what you read. We can help you and have honest conversations about all of this, without any filter needed. And we’d always follow your own pace. I’ve read the book myself with a friend in this community to encourage them. Got a copy here at home. It’s totally fine to explore this with the ocmmunity if you’d be comfortable doing so.
We love you.
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Hey @Swix
I’m a recovering cutter if that’s how you want to put it. I cut for a really long time and I have countless scars all over. I know what you mean by your description of why you like it.
Seeing the blood well up and spill out is intoxicating and the sound of my skin tearing under my tool was music. It felt so good to feel something else other than completely and utter loneliness and mental pain.
I have a challenge for you if you’re willing to give it a go.
Are there people/family in your life you love or care about? Things or places that you love that you have a connection to?
If you do, get some pictures of these things. When you want to cut or do anything harmful to yourself get out these pictures and lay them out in front of you. Look at each picture and try to remember something about it that reminds you how much you cherish it.
After you’ve looked at each picture… ask yourself if you still want to cut.
Remember… You’re never going to make anyone (including yourself) feel bad enough to do good things.
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I feel like I couldn’t speak to someone. I’m just nervous because I know they’ll say something like, “why didn’t you tell me before?” “are we raising that bad?” “have you been lying to me this whole time?” And they don’t take lying lightly. They don’t even take my brother’s ADHD lightly. They think it’s his fault. They think everything is the person’s fault. Mental illness isn’t even a blip on their radar. I’ll only tell them as a last resort. If I really have to go to the hospital. But even then I won’t say a thing about doing it to myself. I don’t even think I’ll say a thing about it. Cause maybe it will kill me and things will be done.
I’ve realized something. The people I trust the most are the people I can’t talk the most honest to. Except here. I can talk honestly here.
I really don’t want to celebrate my birthday on Sunday. It’s stupid.
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what about if you started by saying “I know you guys appreciate honesty most, so I want to be honest with you. I’ve been having a very rough time lately, I’ve tried to feel better, I’ve tried all sorts of things to make things better, but I need more help now. I know you love me, and want what’s best for me, so I need you to help me, because I trust you, and trust that you will help me talk to someone who can make me feel a bit better”.
Change the focus from mental health and change it to a more practical thing they can do as parents. Again, this may open you up emotionally and leave you vulnerable, but isn’t it worth a shot?
No parents would want their kid to never have told them and pass away from their struggles. You’re hurting a lot, and we will always be here for you to support you, but things have been very rough for you lately.
Maybe others can jump in and say if my idea is total crap and may make things worse. i like having you around, and just wish I could help you feel a bit better today, at least!
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There is another way to go about this that will eventually involve the parents that don’t include @Swix going to their parents first. It really doesn’t seem from what they said that their parents really understand and sometimes it’s better to find an adult that does.
So, basically what I think @Swix could do is talk to an adult at school. Your counselor would be probably the best person or the nurse. If you go in and tell them that you need help, they WILL help you and send you home with pamphlets to read.
Next, you ask your parents to talk. You calmly tell them that you didn’t feel safe (from yourself) at school and decided to talk to your counselor about it. They gave you info on it to read and give to your parents. If your parents are aware that your school is aware, trust me the will treat it differently. It’s not a secret anymore that they can sweep under the rug and ignore. They know they will be held responsible if they don’t handle it.
The other side to this is that a child should never feel like they can’t go to a parent to feel safe or express emotions or anything. As a mother, if I found out my son was in the same boat as you and didn’t come to me, yes it would hurt very much. To know that my son was in the next room harming himself, confused, hurting, suffering… I couldn’t bare it. At the same time, he would be held with love and support.
So, I know your perception right now is that they don’t care and are just ignorant… I will 100% guarantee that they love you and would want to know how REALLY bad it is.
PS @Swix what do you think about my idea with the pictures?
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I think I might try it. I know I definitely don’t do it when my family is near or watching. I just hope my mind won’t think, “oh, it’s just a picture, it’s not actually them,” but it’s worth a try. Thanks for the idea
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That’s the reason I wanted you to think about why those pictures mean something to you. Think of a memory or a positive emotion etc. The picture is just a tool.
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I feel so dumb. Apparently the more I looked at the pictures the more I felt “I was doing it for my family.” I don’t even understand my thought process. But I guess I still do do it to make relationships better. I feel the pictures thing would work. My brain was just stupid yesterday. I’ll try again next time…
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Your mind/you are not dumb. It’s just a learning process. For one thing you understand might be the wrong approach, you also learn something that will help you define it and make it better for you.
You know, it’s not bad in itself to keep trying for others or your relationships. Sometimes we feel so down that it’s just the only thing that help us to keep moving forward. However, it cannot be the only long-term goal you would have, as you need to learn to do it for you first and foremost. But that is, also, a learning process. You can see the strength and motivation you find in others and the love you have for them as a temporary yet needed crutch from time to time. If it helps, that is.
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It’s ok, it takes practice and a will to want to stop. No one can make you stop hurting yourself. This an addiction that serves you no purpose accept giving you scars and making things more complicated.
You don’t enjoy hurting yourself, you enjoy the rush of emotions it makes you feel in the moment. But, that feeling fades pretty fast doesn’t it and then you’re right back to feeling that emotional pain that eats at your soul.
It’s an endless cycle that leads no where, trust me. I cut for a very long time and when I take a minute and remember back to those years so long ago… I can straight up tell you that cutting made absolutely no difference in how I felt or what I was going thru. It was just an addiction that I feed because I believed it was helping me, just like any other drug.
So, coming here and asking for help is the first step in addiction recovery.
Those pictures are a reminder of the things you love in this world. Things that make you happy, things that are safe for you and give you peace.
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It’s okay in terms of everything that doesn’t have to do with self harm. Luckily I can read again today so maybe that’ll make today better. It’s very hard to imprint a word with a needle and a knife. It’s a word I am. At least I celebrated my birthday yesterday. It sucks. Oh well :]
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Really do consider the henna/mehendi staining. it’s a fun calming process, and the results are super pretty. It won’t have the pain of cutting, but it will be super duper red, and flaky, and last longer. You can cover your entire arms and legs in all sorts of fancy patterns or drawings.
And you c an even practice on others too. So it becomes a more social activity you can share and not feel isolated while you do it.
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It’s okay in terms of everything that doesn’t have to do with self harm.
Hey, if for a while you need to really focus on things that are 0% self-harm related, because lots of things could “trigger” you, then that’s okay. There’s a time for everything. It’s still part of healing and working on yourself to identify your limits and when something is okay or not. In both cases, we’re here.
Birthdays can be heavy and draining. I’m glad you’re on this Earth though. As selfish it may sound right now. 
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