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Slowly letting go

These past few days have just been the worst, I’ve been thinking so much lately and I feel like my thoughts are just eating me alive. I don’t know how to really just explain all of my problems but I feel like I’m just a bother to everyone, every time I come around my loved ones I feel like all they see me as is a disappointment because I don’t have a job or I never graduated. Not that I never wanted to graduate or get a job but I just had so much people bully me that I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I never really had a normal childhood, I never had any true friends, every time I helped them all I get in return is just a stab in the back. No matter how hard I tried to be normal just something or someone just made me realize that I wasn’t or will never be. I’m on the edge really. I let my family down, I let everyone down. I’m sorry if I confused most of you or if anyone even reads this at all. My mind is just not right anymore. I literally just want to get rid of myself so nobody won’t have to deal with me anymore.

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Hi @alex239. I’m sorry about what you’ve been through. I feel like I am a lot like you in the fact that I was bullied my whole life while growing up, and I went through several other things outside of school. and I also don’t have a job. I did graduate high school, but in hindsight, I wish I would have quit school. The diploma wasn’t worth the bullying. Because of it, I tell myself everyday that I’m dumb and fat and ugly and worthless… a few things among the many things that run through my head.

The thing about people bullying you is that these people teach you something that isn’t true. They lie to you, and in turn you learn to lie to yourself. And the worst part of it is that you believe it. You believe it with your heart and with your mind. It makes it hard to know when you should say something to someone and whether or not they really want to hear what you have to say.

You aren’t a bother. You aren’t any of those negative things you tell yourself. You are a human being with a heart and a soul, and you deserve better than to see yourself as a disappointment to those you know.

There’s still time to change things that eat at you. You just have to make that decision, and look into it, and do the best you can.

You can get a GED. There’s nothing wrong with not having a diploma in my eyes, but if it’s something you want, going back to school is always an option. It’s something that will help you find a job if that’s something that you want. If you don’t know what you want, then I suggest to start searching. Just do something that seems interesting to you, and keep trying things until you find something you like. Or maybe you do know something that you want, and that’s great! In this case, at the least, you have a starting place.

You can learn to change how you think and feel about yourself. That’s what therapists are for. You talk to them and they give you the tools you need to be more gentle with yourself, and they try to help you relearn how you see yourself. I know going to see a therapist tends to have a bad rap, but for someone who has troubles in life like these, therapists are important.

I hope that something I said helps you. I hope that one day you feel more comfortable talking about the things that are troubling you.

~Daisy :hearts:

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@alex239, I would like to encourage you to step on out of the shadow. Don’t let life push you around and break free from the box you’ve got backed in to. You’ve got a lot of reality going on right now. Face it head on and conquer it.

@alex239

Hey friend, you didn’t ask for the bullies to happen and it wasn’t your fault, okay? :heart: But it certainly affected the way you see yourself and your self-confidence. It’s so hard when you’re actually in a time of your life when you’re trying to know who you are, to find yourself, while there are people also bullying you. You didn’t deserve what happened and it wasn’t about you. It was about others behavior and things they allowed themselves to do while it shouldn’t happened.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I was bullied while being at school too, and it lasted during almost ~5 years. I was already vulnerable because of my family environment so I didn’t really have a place where I could feel entirely safe and comfortable at the moment. And when you hear insults and are humiliated almost everyday, it’s hard not to think that it’s about you or that something is wrong with you. But whatever those people did or said to you, it wasn’t the truth. What was wrong was the situation itself. And it’s hard to defend yourself in such circumstances, hard to reach out as you can feel trapped and stuck in this. Again, it was not your fault.

You don’t have to be normal. No one is. Normality is something we imagine to reassure us but being normal is only an ideal, not something tangible we could actually reach. Being you is more than enough. And you are needed. You have worth and value no matter what. But circumstances happened and prevented you to see how beautiful you are. What matters is what you want, what you think, what you feel from your current experiences. You matter. But I understand how confusing it could be when people were mean to you and show you some kind of reflection that isn’t real at all. If people tell you somehow that you didn’t fit in their own standards, then it’s their loss. Really.

I’m glad you came here to share about what happened and what’s in your mind. It’s not an easy thing to do, yet you’re here. :wink: Talking or writing about what happened can help you to get some new perspective and I’d really to encourage you to keep reaching out as much as you need. I don’t know if you had the occasion to talk about it more precisely with someone close to you, but anyway know that you can always come here when you need it. You won’t ever be judged or rejected. What you’re going through is important to us.

It’s okay to feel lost. You’re also processing everything past events and it is traumatic in itself. But from now, I’d like to encourage you to consider different conclusions. Thank you for sharing because by doing this you allow us to help you see yourself differently. Because no, you’re not a bother and you’re not letting everyone down. You’re here and you’ve got breath in your lungs. It means that despite all those things you mentioned you are still here. It is not nothing. It has to be ackwnoledged. You’re a blessing to this world because you are you.

For the moment it may feel like you can’t handle this, like you have to find immediate answers for this pressure on your shoulders concerning a job or graduation. And on the other side, from what you said you might also need time to heal and actually grieve what happened, even if it was years ago. Your feelings are valid and absolutely understandable. But you don’t have to be strong and handle all of this by yourself. Sharing with someone or with a therapist could be needed. And there’s nothing wrong with doing this. Just take it easy friend. Try to be kind to yourself as much as possible and keep fighting against those lies your mind is trying to tell you.

Sending love your way. :heart:

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First of all, don’t apologize for expressing your feelings. Secondly, I wasn’t confused at all. Especially because I can relate to so much of what you just shared.

I spent many years in my growing up and still in my adult life feeling like such a bother and a disappointment. I didn’t graduate either. So I get it. I was bullied most of my life. So I understand that too.

I understand not having any true friends growing up and being stabbed in the back when trying to offer friendship to others .

So much of this is my own heart and own experience. So I get it completely. I’m sorry my friend that this has been your pain.

You are not a let down sweetheart. It’s okay to be struggling but there is light in all of this darkness. It can get better. I hear you. I see you. I care about you.

Know that you are loved and do not have to go at this alone.

I’m sending you so much love right now, friend. Please be gentle with yourself.

  • Kitty

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Oh please dont think that. You DO have worth and you are not a disappointment. You were bullied and it took strength to leave that environment. You did the right thing. Pursue your dreams and dont let your family or fake friends take that away from you. Jesus will support you, no matter what you chose to do. Dont let that go. Never let go. Wake up every day and make a vow to TRY to make it a great one. It might not always work, but you can pray. Pray and pray and pray. It never hurts. Even if you arent religious, Jesus will accept you. Just give Him your heart and your honesty. Bow down and break, He longs to heal and comfort you! There is nothing He cant do. Nothing. You think its hopeless, but He is ready to win your war and claim it as your victory. He´s fighting for you in ways that you dont even imagine.

¨The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.¨ Psalm 34:18

Stay strong, God bless you!