Slowly losing the energy to fight

Hey guys it’s Hbus.

Most of you guys on here know me by now, and to be honest thats frightening. Because you know my username and my real name, means the privacy of having the potential for anonymity is now gone. I’m not afraid of your judgement, more so the fact that I can no longer just say “I’m fine” and have it be left at that. Despite that fear, I’m still going to be as vulnerable as possible with you all.

My mental health has been in a steady decline lately, before the Gala, but more so now that the Gala is over.It’s really difficult to go from such an emotional high, back down to the mundane of normal life in just a day, and I know others are struggling with that too. I called off work today because I just didn’t have the mental energy to go in. My job can be extremely hectic and chaotic most days, and today I just wasn’t up for that possibility. A few of you have told me taking off work would be good for me, but I don’t have the PTO anymore, and my work gives out points if you’re later or call off, that when racked up lead to disciplinary action, which is hell for people like me who sometimes just need a day off for my mental health. If you don’t have a doctors note you’re getting points. So taking time off work is not so simple for me, and reducing my hours, I’m not even sure thats possible, I need to keep a minimum of 35 hours I believe to keep my insurance. There are more complicated things I could add on to that but I don’t feel like explaining it. Just trust me when I say it’s not simple.

The urge to harm has been floating around in my head and so has getting drugs. It would be so easy and I have to fight everyday to just tell myself no. I feel like I’m slowly losing this battle and I just need some encouragement to keep going. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting with my brain, even while on medication (which helps tremendously) but it’s still not a cure. I’m honestly not sure there is one. I’m back to being exhausted as soon as I wake up in the morning and I have to kick myself in the ass to get to work. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore.

With love,

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Hey man,

Thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry you’re struggling with mental health. It’s not easy or fun and sometimes it goes on for too long. It’s totally normal and human to want to give in to previous addictions and habits, and I am really proud of you for overcoming those urges.

Have you tried seeking counseling? If your insurance would help cover that sort of thing or if it is financially feasible, I would highly recommend it. I can only really speak for myself, I guess, but when I found the right person it helped A LOT. And I’m really skeptical about that sort of thing and often find it hard to open up. You posting here already shows that while you might have a healthy hesitation to open up, you are strong enough to do it anyway if you think it will help you. I admire that, and I think it is a good sign moving forward if you decided to go to counseling.

Just like medication, counseling is not a cure. But if your medication is helping, this community is helping, other things (like maybe music) are helping, and a therapist could help, that adds up. Bottom line is you’re not alone, and we believe in you and want to encourage you to find the help you need to feel better. There is absolutely no shame in going to therapy, posting online for advice and encouragement, or any of that sort of thing. I’m proud of you for making it this far, and I am confident you can keep it going. Hold fast.

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I first want to say thank you for still being vulnerable and reaching out. That’s awesome and inspiring! Emotional rollercoasters are always so difficult to navigate and I’m sorry that you don’t get the opportunity to take time off work to re energize. You have been fighting the urge to harm and use drugs and that is a great feat of strength! Even if it feels like a losing battle right now, I hope you can see that you’ve won that battle so many times already!!! You can hold onto that momentum and stay strong, one day at a time. I believe in you, we believe in you. You’ve already proven how freaking strong and disciplined you are for fighting. If it helps, remind yourself of the reasons why you’re willing to fight for healing and freedom from those things. You can totally fight through this period and stay victorious.

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Hey guys I really appreciate the words of encouragement! Thank you both so much