Small changes

HeartSupport Progress
1

Hello again.

This year feels… a lot more different than the previous ones so far. I’ve recently joined a small art group to practice my skills, I’ve been talking with my acquaintances more often, and generally feeling very different. Like I’m starting over again.

The change is gradual, but it’s there. I can see the improvement.
But, I don’t know exactly how to feel about it. I feel like I should be proud or happy for myself, yet I don’t. I still have this sense of… emptiness in my heart. Like there’s something that I’ve missed. I can’t describe it, but I feel it, deeply.

In the past, I always felt this sort of anxiety ever since I started to isolate myself. Like I needed to hide my true self so that I could be ‘safe’. I often hid my feelings, my thoughts, interpretations, hell even my own art from everyone. I never felt comfortable enough to express all of this to anyone. My ideas and views are so different from what is considered ‘normal and appropriate’ for my age. If I were to even dare say half of my opinions, I would most likely be scolded by adults that I am ‘inproper’, and probably get sent somewhere to be ‘fixed’.

I’ve always feared to be the outcast in my community.
After all, I’m just as human as everyone else on the planet, right…?

But this change in routine is very jarring for me. I was so used to being ignored, talked over, or simply left out of the group. So used to working completely alone, to have no actual friends to connect with. To be loved and accepted for who I truly am on the inside.

it’s okay though. It’s the beginning of the year after all. It should all fall into place eventually, and all will feel normal again.

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I’m glad to hear that things are getting better for you.

It sounds like you have not been treated very well by at least some adults around you. It sounds like they were judgmental, rather than acting truly adult and accepting you for the unique and wonderful person that you are. I’m not sure if it’s the same now as it was when I was growing up, but “normal and appropriate” was not something that my peers were interested in being.

Is it possible that the emptiness in your heart is because you are beginning to see potential for connection with others, but are not willing to risk it yet? If that’s the case, then perhaps as you spend additional time with this new group, the connection will form naturally. Maybe you’re like me, desiring both connection and time alone.

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Well, it seems to be the case.
It’s mostly just me not being used to being given these chances. It’s a lot to adapt to at once, but it should get better soon. I’ve been through thick and thin in my life, but it still feels a bit odd.

However, I’ll take small steps to improve my social life. I’ve recently made an account on UnVale to help with my writing and worldbuilding, and I’m thinking of making another one on Instagram. Just so that I have a place to post more of my art and socialize with other artists.

I can only hope that these efforts will help with the healing process. But nothing is really garanteed at this point.

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