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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Decode By Paramore
So i struggle with this constant depression and unstoppable thoughts that i have never truly dealt with. I have always just pretended to be happy, and it sort of worked. I started to believe it. But every time i get hit with pain or heartache or my mind found a loose thread, it will come back with a vengeance. But me constantly trying to appear “normal” and happy is not a winning strategy. Because when it hits and breaks through my own self delusion, it gets to the point of not wanting to go on. And at some point if you keep taking yourself to the edge and looking over… you will fall or slip. It is inevitable. I often use music to distract my brain, to keep it from spiraling out of control. Or put myself on crazy highly restrictive diets to keep my brain engaged in something other than the futility of this entire existence.
I have become more aware of the problem and my poor coping mechanisms. Chasing dopamine hits is dangerous. I don’t know… I should probably just go see someone and start trying out different meds… but that feels like giving up this battle with myself…
Depression is such a gnarly beast to face. I’m sorry that you’ve been going through this, for which sounds like a very long time! It’s great though that you’ve identified it and at least used some coping mechanisms like music, diets, etc. I can’t speak, for or against, the dieting, but I did find the idea kinda fascinating. As you said, it sounds like a good distraction to keep your mind focused/distracted. Are you much of a reader or writer? Because those could be great ways too of not only distracting your mind and navigating depression, but also dealing with it.
What you say here about trying to appear “normal” strikes home with me so hard! While I do have small bouts with depression, my main thing is anxiety. I get nervous/anxious about just about everything. I was a classically trained musician and it was so frustrating to have this great talent for something, but almost unable to use it in front of people. So for me I was always up on stage trying to appear normal, or happy, or confident, but there was a blizzard of emotions and anxiety racking me inside. Unfortunately, I don’t have much of an answer for that. Except maybe that sometimes in those situations you have to find your momentum or your groove. For me, in performance situations, I’m super nervous before the performance, but usually once I’m out there and get going and things are going just fine it’s like, “Oh right, I know what to do, this is just fine”, and things go alright from there. Sorry, that was kind of a long-winded way to say that I feel you, and that I agree that I don’t think the “putting on a ‘normal person’ mask is helpful”. Instead, I think we just have to try and find our own path to being comfortable with our own skin, so-to-speak.
I’ve really been enjoying watching these “therapist reacts” videos because it not only leads me to different ways of understanding my own mental battles, but also to new music. If you haven’t already done so, check out her video reaction to Ren’s “Hi Ren” video. I liked his monologue at the end and what he says about our mental struggles. I’ll post a link here. Sorry for being so wordy!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, carrying such a heavy burden for so long while pretending to be happy to try to distract yourself sounds so draining and painful. It’s normal that when this “happy-face” breaks you feel overwhelmed and the cycle repeats itself. Temporary relief through restrictive diets and short term relief isn’t sustainable. But you asking for help isn’t cowardly, quite the opposite, it shows how courageous of a person you are. You don’t have to fight your battles alone, there is a way out. You deserve to find relief and happiness, long-lasting relief. Keep reaching out friend.
@HeartSupport thank you. I have always wanted to sing. But I too struggle with anxiety. When I was in grade school I would usually get the solo… but something happened when I was young. Not sure what. But I remember having to go on a bland diet for a couple weeks for an ulcer at 10 to 12 years old. I think a psychiatrist is a must at this point. I really am not sure I can keep self medicating… as much as I like how mushrooms let me see the world past this cynical lens I have developed to keep me removed from it… the bad trips are extremely challenging. But they are also sort of rewarding when I survive them, and gain insight into how my brain works.
Thanks again for the response. It is impossible to talk to loved ones about, because I see the fear in their eyes. So I just keep it all inside.
@@HeartSupportthank you. I know I have to find a lasting relief. I am always worn out. Although I also seem to have bouts of mania. Not sure if that is the right term though. But sometimes I almost come to with the realization that I am acting crazy or over the top… although those times I feel like I am truly being me, but it also feels out of control.