You are absolutely welcome to share all of this here, friend. Regardless of how much or how little you feel comfortable sharing, this space and channel are designed exactly for this. So rest assured that there is no shame, no judgment, no guilt for the fact that you’ve posted about your story and about things that are meaningful for you.
It’s actually an honor and privilege to get to know you like this! And it’s even more inspiring that you share this with the hope that it could encourage others. It definitely helps to know that there are other people who may have been through the same, and to realize that the pain we experience does not define us, even less our worth.
At a personal level, there are things in your comment that I relate with. I was sexually abused at different times of my life, by different people, and while finally starting to processing the impact it had on me during the last couple of years - or coming out of this kind of state of forgetfulness and numbness - music has been such a powerful outlet as well. You’ve mentioned LP - their music saved me from very dark times and definitely made me feel heard/understood, as well as if my anger was finally justified. Hearing someone screming out their own pain and verbalizing things we wish we could shout to the person who have hurt us… that’s so cathartic. And it’s healthy after all. Good release of emotions, and no harm to us or someone else. It creates a beautiful, intense but supportive chaos somehow.
I can only imagine the journey you’ve been through having experienced the trauma of molestation and the impact it has on the trust you can then have (or not) for others. It shakes your world in ways that seem too deep and too complex to convey into words. The loneliness that being victim of sexual abuse creates still shakes me at my core - and I’m sorry you’ve experienced that yourself. No one should ever have hurt you. No one should have even though about it. So I hope you can keep exploring this anger - and any other emotion that may arise - in ways that keep serving you moving forward. For you deserve to live life in which you would feel a new, well-deserved type of peace within.
You have been through hell and back, and even though you didn’t mention it explicitely, I wish to acknowledge how much your efforts, to make it through the darkest and challenging times of trauma recovery, are seen right now. It takes a lot of courage to push through, to name what happened, and even more to speak about it openly as you did here. Shame, guilt, self-blame don’t not belong here. What I see through your post is a brave, resilient human being who has a majestic force within - especially through embracing their own vulnerability.
May the sound of drums and music keep fulfilling your heart, as well as helping your body and mind feeling grounded to the present. You are without a doubt forging a meaningful path for yourself. If you ever need to talk or just a shoulder to lie on at times, the Heartsupport community will be present. You too, you are not alone my friend. Hold fast. 