My ex and i had made plans to meet next week for lunch. Well, we started discussing those plans today, and she asked me what my intentions were. That turned into a conversation that’s needed to happen for a while. I put her through quite a lot, and no matter how great we’re doing individually, she told me she’d never be able to just look past that and start fresh.
We’re officially over, and that conversation was really pleasant. The most honest, sincere, open conversation we’ve had in the last two months. I’ve finally accepted that we’re not getting back together. We have such a great rapport that we’ll likely try to maintain a friendship months down the road, but for the time being, we’re going to give each other every ounce of space necessary to heal and grieve properly.
I’m really grateful that we had the conversation, and the closure.
It’s so painful, of course. But at least now, I’m looking forward instead of back.
Any support would be nice. As grateful as I am for the closure, it still hurts more than words can describe.
Hi @connerm1219,
thank you for sharing this with us. It’s so brave of you to go this way. Sometimes something old has to end so that something new can arise. I encourage you to go through that pain you feel right now. Because at the end of the road you will be able to start something new.
Yes the closure hurts. And it is ok that it hurts because something beautiful comes to an end. But as I said. This end will be a new beginning. And I hope that this beginning leads you to something even more beautiful than what you have lost. So please keep on fighting and don’t give up.
Honestly, the thing I’m most broken up about now is the idea of finding anyone I gelled with better than her. I’m impossibly difficult to get along with, and my various neurosis only add to that. We had such a great rapport, and our day to day interactions were filled with laughter, joy, and genuinely engaging intelligent conversation.
I get that I shouldn’t be focused on finding anyone else. I should be focused on finding myself. But my ‘self’ has so many problems, and is so difficult to get along with, that I’m deeply afraid of being alone forever. I’ve got TONS of abandonment issues and a deep seated fear of loneliness, and she was an antidote to that to some degree. Or maybe not an antidote, but a band aid on the flesh wound that is my mental health.
I guess now, the move going forward is to let myself grieve this loss. Work on adjusting myself into being who I’d like to be, someone I’m comfortable being alone with, and additionally getting the necessary therapy and medicinal adjustments to address my depression and anxiety.
I’m flip flopping a lot between being at peace because now I know, I’m no longer in limbo-and the fear of eternal loneliness. I’m so very neurotic that, when left to my own devices, I think myself into a hole. I overthink, CONSTANTLY. It’s pretty torturous. It’s like my mind just has way too much horsepower for its own good.
I would say you have really good summed up what the next steps are. This road will be no easy road, but it is the best road you can take right now. As you said to find someone else is not the solution. Because you can only influence to some degree if you find someone or not. But what you can influence is yourself.
So surround yourself with people who support you, like in this community and do what you suggested in this paragraph. If you need any support we are here for you.
I know this problem. My mind is also constantly thinking. Often I wish it just would stop. My strategies to deal with it are:
First to take a walk and pray. I believe in Jesus so just go around and tell him everything what comes through my mind.
Second: Sometimes I just try to silence my brain. For me a good way to do it, is to listen to music. That helps me to stop thinking and to give myself a break.
Third: Because for me it is really hard not to think, I try to give my mind something good to think about.For inspiration, I listen to a good speech or watch a motivational video, for example. The more I manage to think about meaningful things, the less capacity I have to think myself into a hole.
I would not say I have conquered this problem. But these strategies help me to cope with it better. Maybe they will help you as well.
It hurts so much, guys…I had counseling this evening, and I went to hang out with a few friends afterward…the second I walked out to my car, my mind wandered to what happened today…
I wish so deeply that things could have been different…I wish I could have been better…I wish that when we met, I knew what I know now…of course, nothing works like that…
In counseling, my therapist told me that at this point, make myself priority one. She told me that this is going to be really hard, and that I have to manage my suffering in a healthy way. Comfort myself. Let myself be a blanket burrito if I need to.
I have no idea how things can ever get any better…
On my very first post in this forum, I titled it “feels like I lost it all.” Now…? Now it’s really setting in…I’m so tired of feeling like this…I am SO exhausted with this suffering…I just want the hurt to stop…
I am full of regret for the way I behaved to my ex…she really was the kindest, most compassionate, most intelligent person I’d ever had the privilege of spending time with…and I fucked it all up…I let my mental illness and addiction drive her out…now she’ll never look at me the same…it’s really over…
She’ll always be the one that got away…
I don’t know how I’ll ever get out of this darkness…
It will get better, but it’s ultimately up to you to make it happen. It’s over and from what you’ve said, you’re still friends. You said that you accepted it and your talk was a healthy one with her.
This is what you said… so, go forward now, heal and grow. It’s up to you. You got this
@connerm1219 I’m going to echo entirely what @Mystrose said, regarding what you’ve asked in your other post. We can’t promise you that everything will be better, just because we don’t know the future and it would be unloving to say that hurt isn’t part of life. However, this future is conditioned by you. It’s not a vague entity that you couldn’t influence. The pain is there, but your decisions are a lot more significant to the way it’s going to change in the future. Unfortunately, it won’t get better suddenly, but thanks to your efforts and willingness to try, it can and it will. That’s what you’ve been showing here repeatedly, by being here, reaching out, being vulnerable. Cherish that spark of energy and resilience, friend.
What we can promise you, is that we’re definitely going to be there to support you, through all of it. You’re not going to try alone. You have a community right here to encourage you through every step forward and every obstacle you might encounter. We cannot heal for you or initiate those steps for you. But we’re not going to run away or stop encouraging you. You’ve fought and tried to cope on your own and with the means that you had for so long. This reality can change from now on.
