Hey @Nikki,
Late (and long) reply here, but I’m really glad to take the time to respond to you today. You’ve shared a lot of important things, and I really appreciate your previous reply. Thank you again for being here.
I’m still trying to recover from it. Yeah, one could say I have serious trust issues now.
It would be surprising if you didn’t. It sounds that this relationship was very important to you and you gave a lot of yourself. It creates a deep wound so it only makes sense to feel hurt and disappointed. Protecting yourself is a natural reaction, and no one here would ever judge you for that. Though I really want to thank you for your trust here. Maybe just because it’s “online” it feels less impactful, but still it’s an honor to learn to know you. And it’s even more admirable to see you sharing your heart while you were hurt before.
Sorry if I sound cynical and negative, it just makes me so mad.
No need to be sorry, really. I think you describe something that many of us feel one way or another. You have valid reasons to be mad with how our society functions. Though once we realize we can’t change the world, it’s still important to do what we can to find our way. Because even if our world just sucks, you matter. Your health, your needs, your well-being matters. The worst thing would be to turn this frustrating against yourself by fading away, because you don’t deserve that.
Typically you would have to wait a few years on a waiting list and then you were given about 6-8 sessions. This might be able to help some people who have depression in the short term but I feel my issues are two deep to really get anywhere in that small amount of time.
Yea, that makes total sense. As much as having a few sessions covered, it’s not suitable for everyone.
Have you ever digged into literature/workbooks, or even online tools and resources? I know there are tons of resources available (and free, for some) but it can be chaotic to find the right ones. Though it could be interesting to spend some time diving into some subreddits for example. There’s often topics where people gather free and online resources. Sometimes Instagram can be a good door for that as well, but you need to make your own “groceries”, depending on what you’d like to work on. And if I can help in any way for that/to find resources, just let me know what are the kind of things you’d like to try/work on. But no pressure/no obligation. Just know it’s a possibility.
They didn’t really pay much attention to what I was really saying and asking questions that were completely irrelevant – like wanting to discuss my sexuality…I have no idea how that factored into anything.
I’m sorry they didn’t help. It sounds that what they offered was definitely not what you needed. There are so many ways to approach psychology that it can be hard to find the right therapist… Plus the time required to have a good feeling with them. Can definitely be a long and disappointing journey. Again, I’m sorry it wasn’t a good experience for you.
As an adult I’m having immense difficulty reconciling my current self with my younger self. Who was that other person? What took me away from that path? Now I couldn’t imagine doing anything like those things and I’m housebound. I’ve been in lock down for almost two decades. It’s not like I have physical difficulties. There are people right here in this community who do, so why should I even be complaining? I feel like a parasite and I have no real excuse. I can’t even give support to others who really need it because I’m too self absorbed with my own crap. No wonder people don’t want me as a friend.
Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself, friend. Sure, you don’t have physical difficulties, but does that make the emotional ones less important, less real, less impactful? I know you don’t believe that. You’d never condemn someone for being extremely anxious, to the point of having a hard time to go outside. You’d see their struggles as absolutely valid. And so are yours.
As for being self absorbed, it’s something we all struggle with to some extent once we’re hurting one way or another. It doesn’t make anyone a bad person. It’s just important to find what works for us, with as much patience and compassion possible.
I also often feel like I crave for this “naive” version of me, the “child” version of me who wasn’t cynical, who was more curious and more able to smile. But even more: who wasn’t anxious about absolutely everything. Might sound a little stupid, but some things that helps me to reconnect to that pat of myself is to try to enjoy some very simple pleasures that I was used to enjoy as a kid. Hell, sometimes I find myself using a bubble tube/toy and make bubbles while watching the clouds. Other times I read old comics I used to like as a kid. It brings back this immediate excitement, with a soft touch of nostalgia. It certainly doesn’t help me get a job, or work on my anxiety or improve anything, but man it just feels good to allow yourself to do something pointless with no other objective but to fill your heart with something positive, light, refreshing. As adults, we give ourselves so many limitations and we become very serious, because we realize how ugly this world can be. Yet we are totally allowed to breathe when we need it and make our quiet revolution! Which starts, first and foremost, in our heart.
I am just so frustrated right now. I know most people are feeling the effects of isolation due to the pandemic but I have to be honest - when things have settled down, most will have some idea of how to go back to ‘normalcy’. Technically, I’ve been in ‘lock down’ for well over 20 years. It’s like some people are just ungrateful for having the opportunity to live a normal life at all.
Your frustration is totally valid and understandable. It’s just a personal perspective, but I think this pandemic has been like a violent slap on the face for many people. As you said, there are things that could have been taken for granted before, but being away from their loved ones was probably, for a lot of people, a time to realize how precious it is to not be alone or isolated. It’s okay to give everyone some grace though. Craving for what we don’t have and ignoring what we have is a normal tendency. We all do that to some extent, especially if we’re not okay with our situation.
Some people have been complaining about the sudden ‘mental health crisis’. There’s always been a mental health crisis, it’s just nobody ever gave a damn about dealing with it effectively. Out of sight, out of mind.
I hear you. I’ve listened to some debates here and there, on the radio, and I was shocked to hear that where I live we are only talking now about mental health… a year after lockdowns started. It’s indeed frustrating how slow it is sometimes for our societies to be aware of things that are fundamental. Though maybe another way to see it is that it could be a door we’re about to open for a better understanding of mental health in general, and a better visibility for those topics. It’s sad that it took so much time to be aware of the mental health crisis beyond professional circles, but maybe this would produce some interesting results in the future, who knows? I don’t see a way to be grateful for covid, but there might be some bright lights happening as a consequence.
Don’t have a garden or anything or room for exercise equipment as this place is tiny.
For gardening: you can try to wander around and cut plants you could find outside. Even in cities, there are many small plants that keeps growing everywhere, especially sedums/succulents, which are easy to cultivate. You can use bottles as flower pots, and if you have a park, a natural space or even a cemetery (that’s the best! lots of bits of nature we rarely expect to see) near where you live, you can get some soil there. Unless you want to do some high-level gardening or cultivate vegetables, you don’t really need specific tools or equipment. Lots of products we use everyday can be used for gardening. Simple example: you can fertilize your plants with eggshells or coffee grounds. Gardening can really be a super super cheap hobby.
Regarding exercise: what is the kind of sport you’re interested in? Exercising doesn’t need to require specific equipment, at least for anything related to fitness/stretching. I live in a small apartment as well, and I don’t have any equipment either, but sometimes I like to watch some youtube videos and do some fitness or weight training that don’t require extensive movement. There are plenty of channels into yoga as well. Sometimes I also like to watch AiPingTaiChi streams: Twitch - which are weekly Tai-Chi sessions. It’s really an interesting practice that doesn’t require a lot of space, and zero equipment. Only your body and your mind. I personally need to push a table a bit away, but if you can have a space of like 2 by 2meters, that’s more than enough (I think, not super good with metrics lol). 
Half the battle is being able to go out and face people without feeling ashamed of yourself.
Yea, it’s super hard to go out there where you feel uncomfortable with yourself, when you’re afraid to be seen. Anytime I go outside, I am stressed, just because I become visible. Triggers a lot of anxiety and automatic thoughts that are just exhausting. I’m totally with you on this struggle bus.
What do you do to ease this feeling of shame? What kind of practice would you like to add to your daily life so you could work on that? For me personally, what helps generally is to prepare myself for a morning walk, when the world is awakening but the streets/roads are not overcrowded. I also try to alternate between places where I know there will be people, and places where there isn’t, during one walk. Finally, do you have a phone with a camera, or a camera at all? For years I’ve loved photography, and especially nature photography. As an anxious bean overwhelmed by shame, it’s been very helpful to have this “tool” between people and me. I could focus on something else than others passing by. Oh it doesn’t delete the stress… But it’s a good way to train your anxiety. There’s something soothing in trying to stay focused on the leaves you’re trying to shoot than the person walking next to you. And it’s a way to take your time while being outside.
I’m sorry I took up people’s time here with these stupid posts.
You are worth all the time and attention that you, and everyone who responded here, are taking.
I hope you’re being gentle with yourself since your last post. And if not, I’d really want to encourage to take one step today in that direction. It doesn’t have to be a radical change or something overwhelming. Just 5 or 10 minutes for yourself. For doing something you like. It’s okay to learn to be kind and patient with yourself. We’re in this with you, as a community, as an online family who have each other’s back.
I really wanted to start turning things around a bit.
^^^^^ Keep this energy, friend. Or just try to get back to it at your own pace, your own time. No rush. I believe in you.
