So much chatter

[Mystrose]

As the days go by, things are becoming more clear. What I did to keep this man in my life was pretty sad and I’m actually very ashamed and upset with myself.

This whole 5+yr relationship was all online.

I’ve sat here all week listing and listing all the things he did or didn’t do in my journal. It’s what people with BPD do, but it’s different this time. I keep catching myself and deleting the lists instead of posting them here or sending them to all my friends showing them what a piece of shit he was to me.

I caused problems too and we had problems because of my BPD, I will own up to that. Some people saw those things and know I have BPD and he always portrayed himself as a strong, kind, generous person. What abusive person yells at their partner in front of his friends tho right?

I can’t stop the conversations in my head with him or other people that I need to make understand who he really was.

So much chatter.

I need it to stop.

Distracting isn’t working.

I have been on a very sever rollercoaster of emotions and I am scared that I might do something stupid to make myself feel better.

(Before I was done typing that last sentence, my therapy cat jumped up on my desk and forced his way into his spot. Laying across my chest purring. He stays there until he feels me relax, then gently bites my shoulder and leaves lol. It always brings me back to the present moment of actually being safe.)

I’m calmer now.

I think my biggest emotion is being angry with him. There are a lot of reasons why, but does it matter now?

My biggest emotion with myself is guilt. I’m still not ready to tell the world why, but one day I will be.

I believed this man was going to save me from the situation he found me in. He promised to love me forever and the first couple years were fun. What person with BPD wouldn’t latch onto this? We do anything we can with out realizing sometimes to keep people in our lives. The fear of being alone or abandoned whether real or perceived is way too much to deal with. It’s the #1 dominate symptom for people with BPD.

I really want to explain everything that went on, but when I try to it ends up being that long dirty laundry list. I start using splitting words like, “always” or “never” and so I stop because it’s exhausting.

Where am I even going with this lol.

Maybe someone can help with some ideas to distract, nothing is working.

[Wings]

There is no reason to feel ashamed of yourself for being emotionally invested in a relationship that you thought would last. I suspect that much of the good that you saw in him was actually a projection of the good that was within you.

Is there really a need to convince others what kind of person he was? You can decide that what happened between you is no one else’s business.

The conversations in your head might go on for a while, it’s actually a part of normal processing. If they are still going on with little change a month from now, help may be needed.

One thing about BPD, is the passion and depth of feeling. Another is how terrible it feels when someone lets you down.

The only distraction I can think of is that you are here now. Focus on this moment, and what you can do with it.

[Ashwell]

Hi Lizzy.
I hope you are doing a bit better. The feeling of shame can be so consuming and destructive towards oneself. I know it well enough… You must not let it stop you or hurt you so bad you wount be able to continue.

Shame and guilt are tools manipulators use against people so they wound not get punnished for what they have caused. It is their weapon. They make you feel bad because you have let them do things to you. They often times make you feel bad for things they have caused. Please dont listen to those voices that make you feel guilt or shame. You might feel like you deserve to be alone or in pain but that is simply not true. You dont deserve that and people that use other peoples pain and loneliness against them are bad and we cant let them get away with it because then they will just do it again.

I hope this helps you.
Take care
-Ashwell

[Mystrose]

Hi Wings,

I ended up calling my Mother. She has a good way of bringing me back to reality. She has educated herself probably more than me about BPD lol.

She did a mindful mediation exercise (which is pretty much what you suggested, ty) with me and got me grounded.

No, it’s not worth my time to even think about this man anymore. I don’t want to, but intrusive thoughts are one of my major problems. When I’m really stressed and hurting, the voices come. That’s what happened yesterday. It wasn’t just my thoughts.

I’m in a good headspace this morning, so I’m just going to try and have a normal day.

Thank you!

[Mystrose]

Hi Ashwell,

He led me to believe he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That’s what I needed at that time almost 6yrs ago and that fueled the things I did to keep him.

I don’t need him in my life.

That one sentence is something that is very, very hard to say, but I’m freakin saying it now.