As the days go by, things are becoming more clear. What I did to keep this man in my life was pretty sad and I’m actually very ashamed and upset with myself.
This whole 5+yr relationship was all online.
I’ve sat here all week listing and listing all the things he did or didn’t do in my journal. It’s what people with BPD do, but it’s different this time. I keep catching myself and deleting the lists instead of posting them here or sending them to all my friends showing them what a piece of shit he was to me.
I caused problems too and we had problems because of my BPD, I will own up to that. Some people saw those things and know I have BPD and he always portrayed himself as a strong, kind, generous person. What abusive person yells at their partner in front of his friends tho right?
I can’t stop the conversations in my head with him or other people that I need to make understand who he really was.
So much chatter.
I need it to stop.
Distracting isn’t working.
I have been on a very sever rollercoaster of emotions and I am scared that I might do something stupid to make myself feel better.
(Before I was done typing that last sentence, my therapy cat jumped up on my desk and forced his way into his spot. Laying across my chest purring. He stays there until he feels me relax, then gently bites my shoulder and leaves lol. It always brings me back to the present moment of actually being safe.)
I’m calmer now.
I think my biggest emotion is being angry with him. There are a lot of reasons why, but does it matter now?
My biggest emotion with myself is guilt. I’m still not ready to tell the world why, but one day I will be.
I believed this man was going to save me from the situation he found me in. He promised to love me forever and the first couple years were fun. What person with BPD wouldn’t latch onto this? We do anything we can with out realizing sometimes to keep people in our lives. The fear of being alone or abandoned whether real or perceived is way too much to deal with. It’s the #1 dominate symptom for people with BPD.
I really want to explain everything that went on, but when I try to it ends up being that long dirty laundry list. I start using splitting words like, “always” or “never” and so I stop because it’s exhausting.
Where am I even going with this lol.
Maybe someone can help with some ideas to distract, nothing is working.