Let me explain back to when I lost a friend. I lost a friend on December 14th, 2023. Yes, I know that was recent. But she and I have gotten close again. At first, I sent her a letter asking that she speak with me regarding what specific things I’d done to lead up to our friendship breaking, and she got incredibly upset. She sent a harsh letter back saying that I was a bad friend, that I’d been given far too many chances, and just saying that I was ignorant, insensitive, etc. And after that, I wasn’t okay for a while. I went to therapy every Tuesday. Sure, we talked about the trauma my mother had put me through. But for a while, it mostly consisted of Coconut (let’s call my ex-friend Coconut, since that was her code name back when I had a crush on her). But then last month, I sent her another letter. Another letter acknowledging all that she’s done for me. Thanking her for her patience and kindness. Asking a curious question. Letting her know how much of an amazing person she was to me, and how she’s still my special person, even if she and I aren’t friends. A couple days later, I was standing in my girlfriend’s homeroom, she tapped me on my shoulder and offered a note. Obviously startled, I took a second to realize what was happening then took the note. I was nervous to see what the letter contained because the last letter that I received from her was incredibly harsh and had hurt me for so long. I told my girlfriend that I had to go back to my homeroom, then went. Let’s call my girlfriend, Pineapple. And call my other friend, Nut. So Nut had walked into our homeroom, and asked what the letter was, and if it was from my girlfriend. I said no and gave her an excited look. Then she mouthed, ‘Is it a response?’ And I vigorously nodded my head. There were 4 folded up letters, and I’d given Coconut 3 letters. I was surprised that she’d write a letter more to me. I only wrote that much because I wanted her to know that I was taking this seriously. The front of the first letter said not to let anyone read the letters. I told Nuts that she couldn’t read them, and that I was gonna sit somewhere where nobody would peek at her letters. After sitting on a beanbag in the corner of the classroom, I started reading the 4 letters. At first, she spoke about not expecting the letter, and how if I sent the letter any earlier, she wouldn’t have even bothered to read it. She was surprised because it seemed like I was doing better and didn’t think about her that often. Now, I was doing better, but I still thought about Coconut frequently. Not romantically, of course. I had a girlfriend. But I missed her, felt bad, and still wanted to be there for her. To still be her friend. But back to the letters… she responded to everything I said. Saying how I made her feel like a game. Apologizing for the last letter that was incredibly harsh, because she heard that it’d made me cry. She said that she wasn’t as good of a person as I saw her. That she talked shit about people she didn’t like. I mean, I do too. It’s not that bad. The letter continues, and she says that it’ll take her a while to forgive me about lying and not treating her properly. But she said that her heart was beginning to open up, and she would give me one last chance. A “trial,” you could say. So that’s what’s going on. I wrote her a letter last night though. She and I talk like friends now, but I don’t know if we truly are friends. Because I remember her saying that she talks shit about the most random things about a person. And as a joke I said, “Oh… noted. I’m gonna hide my shit now. 
” And then she said, “NOT MY FRIENDS.” That… really confused me. Was she calling me a friend? I don’t know for sure. So I wrote a letter asking her. I was gonna give it to her today, but I have an orthodontist appointment at 10:10. So I’ll just give her the letter when I go back to school later on. Now let’s talk about Pineapple. Me and her… broke up. Let’s call my older friend, Ant. Ant was already trying to convince me to break up with Pineapple, but I thought it was because we were fwb’s before Pineapple came into the picture. But then Coconut started encouraging me too, after I showed her some screenshots of Pineapple upsetting me and not listening to me. So… it started with Coconut asking what me and Pineapple’s boundaries were. Me and Pineapple hadn’t discussed it because the last time we tried, she got upset said pretty much said, “Do whatever.” So I asked Pineapple again, and she thought I wanted to cheat on her. She wouldn’t hear me out and just told me to fuck whoever I wanted to, and that she didn’t want to stop me from being a player. Keep in mind, I’m not a player. Coconut and I also used to be fwb’s. So she thought that since Coconut and I were talking again, I wanted to be fwb’s with Coconut again. I didn’t though, I only asked because Coconut had a certain kind of humor that could be considered suggestive or offensive, and wanted to make sure that Pineapple was okay with it. I was on call with Coconut at the time. Coconut heard that my tone changed, and noticed that I was crying. I showed her the screenshots of what Pineapple was saying, and she straight up told me that the relationship was toxic, and how what she was doing wasn’t okay. I noticed though, she acted like how I used to act with Coconut. Makes me feel bad knowing that I was on the same level as Pineapple. Anyways, I continued trying to get Pineapple to communicate with me, and Coconut said that I was doing well. Pineapple was doing good at first, then suddenly switched up. She started not listening again. It hurt me so much. I kept showing Coconut though, and she told me that I’d changed. That I deserved this chance that she was giving me. That she was… proud of me. That was the only good thing about that night. Because that night, I was planning when to break up with Pineapple. When I broke up with her, she didn’t want to accept it. I was sad at first, but hearing her say that she ‘denies’ the break up REALLY pissed me off. Who the hell DENIES a break up? Sure, you might deny it in your head, but never to the other person. Moving past that though, she’s changing and I think I like her again. Romantically. I don’t know if I should expose myself again, but I’m gonna keep a wall between me and Pineapple. Because I still don’t really trust Pineapple with my feelings. She got upset that I took a long time to tell her about my feelings yesterday (literally 2 hours), because she makes herself vulnerable to me and trusts me. But after all that she’s done to me, you can’t really blame me for not trusting her with my feelings. She lied to me multiple times, refused to listen to me, didn’t trust me, the list goes on. I’m starting to… regret my decision though. Because what if I kept reminding her of what she’d done wrong? Maybe if I was more patient, she and I wouldn’t have had to break up. And also, I feel the need to stop giving Coconut PDA when Pineapple is around. Coconut is one of the only friends besides Nuts that I give PDA to. Because Pineapple always gives me a really mean glare whenever I do. Keep in mind, I used to be fwb’s with Coconut. And I also had a giant ol’ crush on Coconut. And Coconut also said that she’s been feeling lonely lately, because everyone around her is in a relationship but she’s not. She doesn’t feel like she’s not enough. She knows she has stuff people want in a partner. She’s pretty, smart, mature, funny, patient, brave, shy, I could keep going. She has so many good qualities, and that’s why she’s my special-est person. Oh, I haven’t rlly explained that. Let me explain. I have a group of people I call my Special People. No, it’s not because they act autistic sometimes. No, it’s not because they’re hella slow. It’s because I’d do a lot for them, and I trust them a whole bunch. Pineapple is teetering on the verge of becoming one of my special people again. Coconut already is. And I’m texting Pineapple right now, and something she’s doing is pissing me off. I have this online friend. Let’s call him Sunny. Sunny was my online friend to begin with. Now, I was his friend first. And I’m easily jealous, but I just don’t mention it because what can they do about it? I’m the one with a billion friends that hold a grudge against me because I don’t text them all the time or talk to them all the time. Sunny is one of those friends that I can’t text all the time. Then when I added Sunny into this server on Discord that I’m in with some of my irl friends, Pineapple started talking with him. They started talking more. I called Sunny my twin because I started calling him Sunny, and my online name is Sunny. His real name isn’t Sunny btw. And he reminded me of myself in 6th grade, so I called him my twin. I could sympathize with him easily. Gave him advice but I don’t think he ever accepted it. As they started talking more and more, Pineapple started calling him her twin. I got jealous, yes. But I didn’t say anything about it. I just hoped that they’d stop getting any closer than that. But no, now they’re calling incredibly often. Pineapple still has feelings for me. But the only way I’m gonna feel any better about the situation is if I try to get Sunny and Pineapple to become a couple. I’m already telling Pineapple things like, “OH, YOU LIKE HIM. I KNOW YOU DO. STOP DENYING ITTTT,” and she gets a little upset. Not upset upset, but it irritates her I think. She calls him her non-boyfriend for fucks sake. Sure I’m matching with Sunny on discord, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. We’re all friends, but it hurts. I just have to watch this all go down. Pineapple also states that I ignore her and go to Coconut. I don’t ignore Pineapple. I’m usually with Coconut because, again, she said that she feels lonely. I also feel lonely but I’m not gonna hop into a relationship that isn’t healthy just because I’m lonely. If Pineapple wanted to talk to me, she could always sit next to me and start talking with me. I always give her little smiles, letting her know that I’m here to talk to if she wants to. And then when she chooses not to come up to me, she thinks that’s me ignoring her? When Coconut isn’t around, I come over to Pineapple. I hate the double standards. And she also thinks that me not being ready to tell her certain things is me being hypocritical. Hypocritical because I always told her that she sucked at communication, and apparently me not being ready to tell her certain things is me not communicating. It’s not like I won’t talk to her about it LATER. I will. I know I will. She just wants me to tell her immediately. And I know I do that sometimes, but not all the fucking time like she does. I’m not always a victim all the time. Does she not realize that I’ve always blamed myself? And the one time that I feel like it isn’t my fault and I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m suddenly always acting like the victim? I just hate that she won’t treat me like a person. She won’t acknowledge that I’m sensitive and can’t always take on the world. And finally, let’s talk about Nuts’s situation. She owned a discord server with some of my irl friends in it. Not the same one I was talking about earlier. But anyways… Let’s call my other friend, Quartz. Quartz would help out in the server because Nuts didn’t know how to operate stuff. Quartz added journals into a channel. I, oftentimes, when I found myself awake at maybe 2am or possibly even 4am, would update my journal on my thoughts, stuff I’m doing while I’m awake, or some stuff that I’m getting better on. Other people used it as a safe space to express certain things that they probably couldn’t express elsewhere. By the way, Nuts has a boyfriend who I used to have a crush on but set the two of them up because I wanted Kit (what we’ll call Nuts’s boyfriend) to be happy. But then Nuts deleted the journals, and Kit had a journal. Kit has a lot of trouble expressing himself and his interests, so he was obviously devastated. Now, I had so much progress in my journal. I wrote like… 6 paragraphs about my childhood in one night. ONE night. I’d started making a song. Now I don’t get to see my progress of becoming better anymore since my journal is gone. Yes, I’m pissed about it. But I don’t necessarily hate her for it. But I guess maybe Kit does, and so does my other friend. Let’s call my OTHER friend… Knight. Knight basically yelled at Nuts for deleting the journals, even after there was a vote in the server, in which the majority of people in the server voted to keep the journals. Nuts and Knight aren’t rlly friends anymore since then. But when I walk with Nuts to our next class, I’ll wave and say hi to Knight, just to freak Nuts out. Let’s end this with a good note. I was writing this entire essay throughout the day. I finally got braces like I wanted to! And Coconut told me that I’m her friend. But anyway, enjoy your day. :3
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Hallo sunny, and welcome to heart support!
Let me start by saying that you aren’t alone in the tricky balance of navigating relationships and friendships.
It sounds like you are still young (of course I am not asking you to disclose your age, stay safe), and there’s both a beauty and difficulty that comes with it.
On one hand you have all this opportunity in front of you, there’s people still to meet and experiences still to gain. There’s a wide world to explore and the dynamics of life shift and change, sometimes it’s uncomfortable and sometimes it’s magical.
On the other hand, it means that because we haven’t met all the people in our lives and had all the experiences that come with knowing how to handle situations, we have to try figure it out and see what unfolds.
It can be a delicate balance when it comes to intertwining romantic relationships into friendships. I’d like to say that people grow out of the jealousy and the bickering, while that may not be always so, we do evolve to learn how to handle our emotions and our boundaries easier.
It sounds like you are doing a good job of acknowledging your feelings, your progress and even taking accountability for how your friends feel.
I don’t think it is my place to ever tell you how to navigate your way through all the happenings of your own personal relationships, that would be very unwise of me to do so, but I will offer you the encouragement that everyone figures out what they want in life and at some stage friendships and relationships fall into place a little more gently.
Life brings all sorts of experiences, and I hope that when you get to look back that it feels like growth and there is a fondness and kindness towards yourself for being the best version of yourself you know how to be x