i think my mother might have been drunk or just weird today. i got back from shopping, just needed some body wash, and she immediately goes “what’s in the bag?” and it sounds kinda mean of me, but i just asked why she needed to know. i only do that because she never really says it for conversation, it’s always her being nosy, even when i buy stuff online, she’ll pester me about packages and go through my private drawers. anyway, so she went off on me and i didn’t really care, went about my business and made the mistake of setting my bag down, to which she immediately snatches it up and searches through it. i tell her “don’t look through my things” and she immediately says she didn’t. (keep in mind she’s been saying stuff like this to me over everything to gaslight me) but as i’m walking away she hits my back, not with full force, but i’m extremely frail so it hurts. i tell her not to hit me and she once again says she didn’t. she follows me upstairs and stands outside of the bathroom door, not letting me close it. she then starts telling me that i’m almost 20 but i still don’t do anything to which i’ve told her how many times i’ve done job searching but she still says i do nothing and i should just move out. i go further into the bathroom and hold out my hands while talking because i just naturally do that and she starts hitting my arms and hands. i tell her again to not hit me and she denies it. she continues to walk towards me, walking into about half the bathroom to trap me. i tell her to stop and she says no and that she’s not doing that. after a bit she steps out but not before taking my bag that only holds my body wash and puts it outside the bathroom behind a chair. i tell her not to do that and she simply says “you’re being disrespectful so i will do that”. at this point, i just tell her i need to pee and to please leave. i try to walk out of the bathroom to grab my bag but she starts trying to shut the door on my face and i tell her to stop, she doesn’t care. eventually she walks off and starts ranting about me to her husband. later on i hear her talking about me again to my sister so i just walked away after saying “oh” and she continues to tell me how horrible i am as i walk to my room.
i suppose it’s my fault that i didn’t just say “i bought body wash” but i don’t think i deserved all of that for it. especially not being hit, but maybe i’m wrong. she doesn’t deserve to know every aspect of my life anyway because every time she sees something i’m doing or what i have, she tells me it’s bad or wrong. and she especially doesn’t deserve to know what i buy after she’s literally searched through my drawers as an adult. anyway i don’t really know what i’m doing posting it, i guess just venting :-/ but i just wish i had money to move out at this point
1 Like
Im sorry this happend. Your mom was in the wrong and THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Know matter what you say it never gives anyone the write to put there hands on you or hit you. Your are loved and are valued. None of the lies your mom is speaking over you are true. Are you safe right now? Do you have any friend or family members that you can crash with for the night? When tensions are high at my house I found removing myself from the situation if only for the day or a couple of hours can help. I actually keep a bag packed in my car with extra close and stuff in case I need to leave quickly. This can help take away the stress of an already stressful situation. I don’t know if any of this helps but you are not alone and again THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Please stay safe! 
1 Like
thank you so much for your response, it feels good to know that it wasn’t my fault. i don’t have another place to stay or a car, but i did go out last night for a few hours. i also haven’t really felt safe in this house for as long as i can remember, but i’m trying my hardest to leave.
1 Like
Thats good you were able to get way for a few hours. I get it its hard especially right now with the lock down and everything to get work (I’m I can’t find work right now ether). Its hard and I am sorry you are in a living situation where you don’t feel safe but you are not alone. idk if you have checked out the heart support twitch channel but it is great community and it has really helped me out when I felt like I had know one to talk to. https://www.twitch.tv/heartsupport
i’m sorry that you can’t find a job either, it sucks :-/ and yes i do follow them on twitch, but thank you!
I know this is not easy times for you but there is always hope and help out there. You should not have to endure this kind of abuse at all. I know you feel alone and scared but there are a lot of other resources out there to help. I have endured that kind of crazymaking all my life where I have been told how worthless, useless and broken I am and how I would never amount to anything. It is not true… If you think about it, most of the time you are stepping back because you have no way out that you can see, however this is not true. You are taking it because you feel you did something wrong too and that is not true either. Feeling bad because you do not know what is wrong is normal in this kind of situation. It is scary just how much anyone will put up with before they put a stop to it honestly. Mine took a while to even figure out that things were even wrong because I had endured it for so long. It will be ok though, so hang in there. Most areas have places that help with any kind of violence or abuse like that. There are many places across most areas like Voices against violence, violence advocates, etc are there to help protect people just like you who are caught in the middle and have no resources to get away on your own. That is just to name a couple. Go online and look up violence support for your area. No one should ever have to feel like they have to answer for every little move they make or item they buy or what is in their closet etc. I have been there. It is invasive and like you are under a microscope all the time. It tears at you mentally, physically and emotionally and wears you down until you can no longer think straight and start to believe that it is all in your head. It is not, trust your instincts. What someone else is doing is not you. What someone else is going nuts over is not you. What someone else tells you does not make it true about yourself at all. It is painful, miserable to have someone you love tear you apart from the inside out. It is not right or normal, and that person has something broken in them. Yes, everyone has troubles, everyone has problems and everyone has things they do not like about themselves, but that does not mean that you are not of value. You do have a right to privacy, to be clean when you want, to eat when you want and to even have opinions or buy what you want without having it totally inspected. You do have the right to not be hurt anymore. You have the right to walk out that door and go to the police if you need to to get help and get away from it. You do not have to bear the pain by yourself at all. Things come a step at a time and it is not easy if everything depends on what is given you too. There is help for that as well. The first step though is up to you to find real help. You can ask a councilor for help, a teacher, or whoever you think can help you the most with the situation. Things may seem dark right now but there is always a way out, a light and a second chance. Do not be afraid to ask for what you need and for help to find what you need to get out with. These groups are here for a reason and are a benefit to others as well as to situations just like yours. Stay strong, listen to what you need and do not be afraid to reach out. No normal person ever calls their child names and hits them like that. That is not anything you did, said or even asked for in any way. Please remember that and hang in there. Be strong and do your best to find a way out. It will work out as long as you are willing to take the first step. Best of blessings.
2 Likes
i just want to say thank you so much for responding to this post, it truly means a lot. it feels good to know that i’m not crazy. i’m also sorry that you had to go through, no one deserves that. this message really made me feel hopeful for life. i will try to find some resources, i don’t know if i have any since my town is so small or if i qualify, but i will try. also i see that this is your first post here, so welcome to heart support!
1 Like
Thank you too. I know I went through a lot, but I have learned from it myself. I had good friends who stopped me on my way and taught me a lot of this. Sometimes it is just finding that one extra little bit where you least expect it too. If you think your town is too small look for a larger one nearby as they often cover the smaller nearby areas too. Never give up hope though. If someone like me can find freedom and a new start, I am sure you can make it too. Best of blessings and keep looking for that open door.
2 Likes