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Belongs to: Therapist is Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park
So when I grew up I sold weed. I helped everyone that I met make sure their bills were paid or they had a little weed for when they got home. I had a buddy living with his parents who lost his job. I gave him a key to my apartment. He would show up at seven and leave at 3:30 to go home and change like he had been at work. I paid his rent cell phone. Credit cards and made sure he always had money and wasn’t a “bum”. I ended up getting in trouble. I had a $300 bond. My ex called 30 people all people that I had helped and couldn’t come up with the $300 because they all needed cigarettes or alcohol. I ended up being a very, very, very bad alcoholic for about 15 years. I hit five years sober. I think it was October 2. My mom texted me to congratulate me. I don’t really keep track. Regardless I’ve realized I’ve never had an actual friend. There was one dude I considered a brother and about a year and a half ago. He just stopped talking to me. I thought being sober would make me happy but all it’s done is make me feel pain. I have grown tremendously in the past five years and I’ve got no one to share that with that lives within 3000 miles. I had been seeing a therapist for four years every time I talk to him it was like he never met me before I mentioned that I had insurance by accident. We had already already talked about this and his company didn’t take CIGNA so I was paying $120 out-of-pocket. Like two months ago he heard me say I had insurance again got all pissed off at why he wasn’t using it. I reminded him you guys don’t take it and I’ve never not paid you the second I leave. He told me he wouldn’t set another appointment for me until I prove to him that I had contacted CIGNA and begged them to cover my visits. They wouldn’t do it so he never scheduled me another appointment. So I went called turkey off all sort of antidepressants, anxiety, meds, and sleep medication. Long story short I think about suicide, probably two times an hour 18 hours a day. I just wanna be happy. I’ve pretty much lost all hope when you find out your therapist doesn’t give a fuck about you. Just wanted to try and run an insurance scam. if you can’t trust a therapist that’s pretty much rock-bottom. I live in New Hampshire and they really don’t give a shit about mental health. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I know what I can’t do because it would kill my mom, but I welcome death with open arms just because I want this feeling. I just hope one day soon I find happiness. sorry for the long rant. I just don’t have anyone else to talk to.
I’m gonna say this LOUD…that therapist is full on bullshit. I’m so sorry that was your experience. Finding a therapist that fits your needs, personality, etc… can take some time. But the right one is out there, I promise. Please don’t give up on finding the right help for you. No therapist should ever behave the way yours did. It also really sucks that the help and support you gave didn’t come back to you. I know that feeling well. As I’ve gotten a little older, I have learned that keeping my circle small is actually really healthy. I can count on one hand who I can rely on, but that’s ok. I can relax knowing that they are there for me always. Please know that you are needed, wanted, and valued on this earth. The right people and the right therapist are out there for you. Last but definitely not least, congratulations on your sobriety! That is a big deal and should be celebrated!
The first thing that stood out to me in this post is FIVE YEARS SOBER! That is so amazing and the fact that you are still sober! It’s even better that you have noticed that you’ve grown since getting sober. I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit for this, even when the pain hits hard. This makes you an inspiration. The pit of addiction is one of the deepest ones, and you climbed out of it by yourself. Read that last sentence again. Congratulations to you.
This was not a rant. This was you being brutally honest and that’s very brave.
As far as friends go…I see you have a lot of people in your life, but none of them seem to be in your life as a friend. This is so extremely lonely. I think it’s less lonely to actually BE alone, than it is to be surrounded by people who don’t seem to give a shit about you, past what you can do for them or provide to them. I’ve been the “go to girl” for weed as well. I learned real fast that those were fake friends, and I’d rather be alone than have fake friends who use me. But being alone is so…fucking lonely. I’m sorry you’re lonely. I wish lonely people could find each other easier in this vast world. You’re not alone my friend. We are out here, even if thousands of miles away.
Therapist…Wow. Just wow. What I just read infuriated me to be honest. The way you were treated by a mental health professional is just absolutely mind-blowingly unacceptable. You were made to feel as though you were just a paycheck for this “doctor”. If you’ve seen this therapist for four years and you are still feeling like a new patient every time you go for a visit, he is not being your therapist. He’s not hearing a word you’re saying. And when you are there to feel heard, and you instead have to repeat yourself over and over again… that’s not being heard. I’m so sorry you have had this experience.
What I have learned from decades of revolving-door therapists is, your psychiatrist (med refills) is not meant to be your counselor. A psychiatrist actually told me this when he recommended I find a counselor. (like for real??) As much as you may not want to see this doctor again, it is extremely dangerous to go cold-turkey off of the meds you mentioned. Is there a county clinic like MHMR that you can go to for help getting meds? They may also be able to provide a counseling service to you as well. It might be worth looking into. The MHMR in my county is free and I have had to go there many times for med management when I didn’t have insurance. It saved my life to be honest. Twice.
You’ve come so far in this battle and you are an amazing soul for still being here today. Keep going. Do not give up. You deserve to feel as happy as anyone else feels, and I my wish to you, is that you find that happiness inside yourself. Much love my friend.
Throughout your entire life you’ve had a heart for others. You’ve gone out of your way, done risky things, and put yourself out on the line to ensure that others were able to get by. Your selflessness is immediately apparent and truly very inspiring. You’ve been there to lend a hand to those who are less fortunate and who are struggling on hard times, but now that you are the one going through struggle, you’ve been left without a hand to grasp. You deserve better. You deserve a loving person to be there for you like you were there for so many others. And you 100% deserve a therapist that sees you as more than an insurance check. That is ridiculous and I am so upset for you.
Though it is probably very hard, I encourage you to continue to seek therapy, because that therapist that wrote you off is a sorry excuse for a mental health professional. You deserve so much better, and that man gave you none of what you needed.
I know that you haven’t been the wonderful, caring, and selfless person that you are for no reason. All of the bright, shining positivity and love that you have shown to others will surely come back to find you. You haven’t received the love you deserve yet, but I encourage you to put heavy emphasis on the “yet”, because I know it is coming for you. I know that there are bright moments waiting for you in your future, and I encourage you to stick around for them. Your life means too much to lose it. There is only one you- and you are the only “you” that has ever or will ever exist. You are way too valuable to cut your life short and close the chapter on the beautifully and wonderfully unique human being that you are. You are loved more than you can know, and I pray that you find the community that shows you the same love you show to others. You matter. You deserve love. You will find it- it may just take a while of perseverance through the darkness to find the light.