I was casually seeing someone. I tend to hate casual relations because they never do last. Anyways, I told him from the beginning who I am: I’m bipolar, I’m a bit of a hot head, I’ve been in abusive relationship, have been hospitalized before for depression, I currently work from home and am a private contractor for another job because I can’t emotionally handle a 9-5, I used to be an exotic dancer (throw some sexual trauma in there) but also can’t handle that life anymore. I finally have a community that loves and supports me. But I’m also very tired…I work everyday and I’m trying hard to succeed on my own as I don’t have any backup plan. What I do is pretty much it. So when I feel like I’m failing, I get very emotional and honestly, scared. I just want to be a decent person and do what I love as a living.
I had two days off in the last month and last week was a little weird for me. I was cranky and exhausted. Both of my jobs are physical. In fact the last few weeks, my moods have been everywhere. In January, I also had to get a new car after mine went missing. 2024 has been a whirlwind.
Backing up, I was cranky/emotional last week and didn’t want to have sex. I wish I did better at work. I didn’t feel my work was as good as I wanted it to be. I get very self-conscious. He told me I’m too emotional and I get upset too easily. All true, but I’ve expressed this to him. It confused me because I told him all this in the beginning. I even wanted to hold off on intimacy so he can get to know me better and see if he can deal with things. He had a way of saying it that made me feel bad about myself. It took me years to accept who I am and to surround myself with enough support. We both belong to the same community. I wanted to go to an event on Saturday and he told me not to go because I 'm too emotional. He also tried to convince me to have sex to feel better. But i didn’t want it which seemed to irritate him. I ended up leaving and it felt weird and I felt extremely guilty for my emotions. I sent an apology message for how I was and got no response. I ended up going to the event anyways and had a wonderful time. He was there and acted like nothing happened. It’s very confusing to me. I just want to scream…and continue to explain myself.
Hi, Rosethorn. Thank you for being here and sharing with us.
Because you tagged your post with “Advice Welcomed,” I would like to share something that has helped a lot of people: You never, ever have to feel guilty for not having sex with someone.
Your body is yours and yours alone.
Your response was not wrong. Your emotions are valid.
I cannot and will not try to tell you what to do, but I can and will root for you.
I definitely agree with Manni. And also, being “too emotional” isn’t a thing. I think that having feelings is completely okay. And if your partner can’t understand that, then I think you honestly should stand up to that. Because i’m sure everyone has their time where they just feel a bit alone, or depressed and that’s completely okay. And i’m not trying to tell you to end that relationship, but i’ll state my opinion. If I had a partner who would try to force me into sex, or tell me i’m just too emotional, I would need a break from them. But still, you have a strong response. And i’ll root for it!
You have the right to have a bad week/bad day/bad season without having to justify it. Of course, if you were to lash out on others or make your partner’s life miserable because of it, the situation would be very different. But that’s not the case. You’re doing a lot, you’re keeping your head above waters, you’re providing for yourself, you found stability - and keeping this rhythm is fucking exhausting sometimes. Even without being bipolar and even without having through the traumas you’ve known, it would be profoundly human to feel tired, to not be up to having sex or to simply feel emotions because of the tiredness. Telling you repeatedly that you are “too emotional” hints the same as saying that you are “too human”. It doesn’t make any sense, and ultimately it says more about your partner and his ability/willingness to understand what you’ve been experiencing. On top of it, he is fully aware of your struggles so he knows somehow what to expect in the worst case. He also knows that saying that kind of thing doesn’t help anyone.
I’m not trying to blame him here or making him look like a bad person of course, but in this situation I would definitely be upset - and I am upset with you for what you describe. In a relationship, we need to feel safe being who we are. To adjust at times, make compromises, to grow together, but ultimately to feel safe being human and imperfect. You have certainly done nothing wrong there for not being in the mood and for not feeling joyful when your energy has been taken up somewhere else.
I hope that since you’ve posted here you both managed to talk again about what happened and what was said. Somehow, through these “conflicts” there i a possibility to know our partners and ourselves better, as long as they are willing to communicate openly and respectfully of course. All in all, you haven’t done anything wrong there. You have the right to be human. There’s no such thing as being “too emotional”.