Something is wrong with me

HeartSupport Support
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Hi, I’m new here, sorry if I do anything wrong.

I’ve been becoming more and more of a jerk recently.
I ghost friends, and when texting someone becomes too exhausting I block them, even though they’re nice. I always make mean jokes about everyone around me, and don’t stop until they get mad or even cry, and I suddenly realise what I was doing. I feel so detached from everyone around me, like when I see someone crying or hurting I dont feel bad at all and find it tiring trying to look sad while I comfort them.

My friends tell me their secrets because they trust I can keep them, but truth is I forget their secrets and I forget general knowledge about them to begin with, like their siblings etc. I just don’t bother enough to remember anyone, and there are some that I completely forget, even their names.

My grandpa died recently and my mom and little brothers were all crying, I wasn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to cry no matter how much I tried. I’m starting to question if I’m human. I loved my grandpa, so why weren’t I crying? Why did I make excuses to not sit with my family when they were mourning, because it felt awkward, and scrolled through my phone like nothing happened? I could hear my mom crying and my dad comforting her in the other room while I’m just scrolling through youtube shorts.

At the same time I have anger issues and cry over the littlest, dumbest issues. Whenever something doesn’t go my way, I get in a bad mood, yelling at my little brothers when they talk to me. Tears keep rolling downband I end up crying myself to sleep, over literally nothing.

I’m only 15, and I’m pretty sure this is not normal at all for a girl my age. I wasn’t always like this. I know I’m a bad person and that I need to change, but most of those things, I do while not even aware. I don’t want to grow and become an adult or start a family or whatever when my personality is like this. But I just don’t know what to do. Even at this moment I feel no sympathy for all those I might’ve hurt, no matter how much I try.

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Hi @Someperson,

Welcome to HeartSupport! We’re glad to see you joining the community.

It sounds like there are a few things going on. You mention that sometimes you block friends for becoming too exhausting, which is completely understandable – it can be hard to help friends or simply interact with them if you don’t have the mental capacity for it. However, my biggest tip for this is to try setting healthy boundaries (e.g., if a friend wants help and you don’t have energy, you can say “sorry but I’m too busy/tired to chat right now”). Trying to clarify your availability may be helpful to both you and your friends.

I also appreciate you for realizing that some of your jokes may be harmful to others. That’s a profound realization that many people don’t make for a long time, and it’s completely understandable that you can’t just flick a switch and suddenly make none of these jokes anymore. With that said, now that you’re aware, you can try to catch yourself and stop if you notice that you are starting to make negative jokes (and it seems like you are already trying to do this).

Honestly, I can also empathize with being bad at remembering my friend’s information. This doesn’t make you a bad person or anything like that – memory just differs by person. Because I’m horrible with names, sometimes I’ll even quiz myself off the yearbook and essentially “study” peoples’ names. If you want to improve in name-recall, simply practicing for a couple minutes per day could make a big difference.

In regard to your grandpa, everyone processes grief in different ways. It’s perfectly okay not to cry (and it’s okay to cry too). Not crying could suggest that you’re in denial, or simply aren’t processing the loss in that way. I know I didn’t cry when my grandma (or grandpa) died since that just wasn’t part of how I processed the loss. In short, don’t worry about not crying – not crying is just as natural as crying.

With all that said, my condolences to you and your family for the loss of your grandpa. I recognize how impactful these losses can be and hope that your family is recovering from this.

In terms of “anger issues”, it sounds like you may be getting rather upset, particularly with family, for reasons that seem insignificant. Please remember that emotions aren’t always based on logic (in fact, in my experience, they rarely are). Sometimes they come and go as they choose (which can stink) and it can take time and effort to build up healthy methods for coping with these emotions (e.g., meditation, journaling, talking to others). If you find that you are getting particularly upset at any point in the future, please don’t hesitate to make a post here on HeartSupport. We’ll always be judgement free and want to support you whenever you need it!

You mention that “I feel no sympathy for all those I might’ve hurt, no matter how much I try,” but I’m not sure that this above quote is actually true. From your post, it sounds like you are hurting or are at least concerned by your actions (the simple fact that you included this note suggests that it’s on your mind). It’s also possible that “ignoring” or being unsympathetic towards others could be some way of coping with strong emotions (though I’m not an expert and can’t comment with any reasonable degree of certainty on this).

I’m proud of you for sharing and for wanting to improve yourself. At the same time, I hope that you take it easy on yourself and recognize that any past mistakes are learning experiences, not failures.

If you are interested in sharing, I also want to support you a bit more. How are you feeling about all this (emotionally)? Do you notice that you often are viewing yourself in a negative way (perhaps being a bit too critical or focusing on the negative)?

Thank you for trusting us and for sharing; I’m glad that you’re here and hope that you come back if anything is on your mind. You’re valued, cared for, and loved.

<3 Tuna

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Welcome to Heart Support! Thank you for taking the time to tell a bit of your story. You are always welcome here.

I’m sorry about the loss of your Grandpa. Sometimes facing the reality of the loss of someone you love and the finality of it is too much to bear at once. It sounds like you shut down, maybe to protect yourself from the impact of your loss. There may be another or other reasons that you can deal with in time.

I’m sorry that your internal life seems to be in a scramble right now. It sounds very disconcerting. It sounds like you’re weary and need to be self-protective.

You’re 15. Your hormones are raging girl! That may be some of the reasons you’re feeling so volatile and unstable. Have you tried tracking your cycle to see if some of what you’re going through is cyclical?

Is there an adult in your life that you can share some of your concerns with? Are your parents available to you? Is going to talk with a counselor an option for you?

It sounds like some of your behavior is bothering you. There may be reasons other than your “horror moans” that may be worth talking about. Do your best to choose not to act in ways that go against behavior you disapprove of, like how you treat your friends and brothers. That may be of some help. That will eliminate some of the internal conflict you are dealing with. It may give you the energy and space to get to the heart of what’s going on.

There is something wrong with all of us, and we know it! In that you’re not alone. We are here to support and encourage one another on this life’s journey. I find real empathy in reading the Psalms (from the Bible if you have one or you can get an app if you’re interested). There’s lots of real emotion in them, but usually wise resolution by the end.

Take care~

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hello Friend, “I’m only 15, and I’m pretty sure this is not normal at all for a girl my age” This is actually in fact very normal. Your body is going thru a lot of changes and you’re emotions and hormones are for lack of better words, out of control. I remember when I was your age, I was a mess. You can do some research online about what your body is going thru at 15 and you’ll be surprised at how much you will be able to relate to it. Give yourself a break and remember that you will grow out of this. As far as grieving for your Grandpa, we all deal with death differently. At some point you will grieve your own way and it will be ok. Don’t try to force it and be patient with yourself. Take care! ~Mystrose

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Hi Someperson,
thank you for reaching out and Welcome to Heart Support.
i feel sorry for you with the loss of your grandpa, my toughts are with you and your family.
you can be proud of yourself with sharing all of this here, this takes courage to write down all of it.
i think, like mentioned before, you are in your puberty, so all of this unstableness is coming from your growth.
take care of yourself first, you deserve that. take your time, reach out to your parents and friends, or some
other resources you know.
You matter my friend, you are loved and feel hugged,
Greetings

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for this post, I want to start by saying that I am sorry for the loss of your grandpa. All the way through reading this post I just kept thinking this isnt something wrong, there is nothing wrong with this person, I just knew how that you were a young female, this my friend is normal. Welcome to the wonderful world of hormones. This happens to us all in varying stages in varying levels around your age and its not fun, You are not a monster, you have not turned into a thoughtless uncaring individual that is going to grow up not feeling any emotion but you are going to probably be feeling different levels of emotion for a while yet, you are still maturing and growing, If you get too concerned about your behaviour and you think it is too extreme you can talk to a doctor or nurse about it, there are ways they can help to keep it under control. I think for now though the most important thing is to not worry, that in itself should help a bit. Take care of yourself Much Love Lisa. x