Sometimes i dislike being aromantic

i wasn’t sure whether to label this as journal or support, but either way it’s just gonna be word vomit.

i’m aromantic, meaning i don’t experience romantic attraction. and i’m usually fine with that anyway, but there are some days where i just hate it. society puts romance on such a pedestal that some days i just feel so wrong for not experiencing it.

and sometimes i feel like i’m lying when i say “i love you” to my boyfriend. we’re in a qpr, which is essentially just like a regular relationship but without the romantic aspect from my side. it’s a bit different for every person who’s in one, but that’s how him and i define it. he’s fully aware of me being aro, has been since the day we met, but i do also know that he likes me romantically. and i have no issue with that, i’m just happy to be able to be so close to him, but my brain likes to tell me I’m deceiving him, even though i’m not. i love him, dearly. just not romantically, but also not purely platonically. it’s something more in between but hard to define.

i feel like i can’t really talk to him about this, though. because i know what he’ll say; that it’s okay for me to be aro, it doesn’t matter how i love, etc. and i know that, but deep down there’s always that lingering thought that i’m lying to him.

but anyway, i’m gonna go out with a friend now and hopefully clear my head a bit. if anyone ends up reading this mess; thank you :]

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This IS something you should talk to him about. I’m not sure how long you’ve been dating, but the most important part of any relationship is trust. In theory you should be able to talk to your partner about anything, but I do know how hard it can be to open up like that.

I would encourage you to be open about how you’re feeling in your relationship, it might be a very good thing for both of you. <3

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I do feel that it’s something you should bring up to him-- but at the same time, it almost sounds like there might be some identity ‘conflict’ going on for you? I think that possibly writing down in a journal what you like about him and how you feel: on a closeness scale, how deeply/strongly you feel about things that you like about him, etc… Just because you’re aromantic, that doesn’t mean that you yourself cannot be in a romantic setting. Sometimes, it’s a bit more complicated than that. It doesn’t mean that it’s 100% you don’t experience a romantic thought for someone; and it would be common to feel that “maybe I’m not really ’ into ’ this person. maybe I’m lying about this relationship” with that romantic identity-- I feel sometimes that even people that don’t identify as aromantic also go through those thoughts.

I think writing how you feel in a journal and being able to separate things would be beneficial to you. Diagnostic journaling is something my own therapist gave me as a tool, along with some resources on “countering negative thoughts”. Maybe both of those things can help you come to an understanding on how you feel about himself, the relationship, and even yourself.

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From: I Am Reclaimer

Hey Friend, I’m not going to lie, it sounds like you’re already pretty self aware as to what your needs are. On one hand, we all have different love languages and romance isn’t your thing - cool. At least you know that!! On the other hand, it seems like you have a significant other that you relate to on a deeper level, just not romantically… why do you feel like you’re lying to him? If he knows you’re aro and expresses his akknowledgement and aproval of this, then what makes you feel this way? Is it boundaries? That he may not actually understand what Aro means to you? Something else? No need to answer these - just ask them to yourself in an attempt to try and figure out what’s bringing up this (I assume) emotion/feeling that brought you to HS to post about it.

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From: ManekiNeko

hey friend! Thanks for sharing, it’s really beautiful that you have a close bond with your partner. Do you think you understand why you feel like you’re lying to him? It sounds like he is validating you and the relationship and seems happy, are you also happy? I know for me that my mind can be unkind to me and try to justify why something should be wrong or why someone wouldn’t or shouldn’t want to be with me, so you sometimes have those intrusive thoughts that are playing into you feeling like you’re deceiving him? I don’t want to assume anything of course, just want to understand and make sure we can support you.

I would probably say that having an open conversation with him about how you feel and about any concerns could help alleviate some of the stress for you. You mentioned that you’re concerned that if you bring it up that he will give you the answer that it’s okay. And maybe he does mean that, but perhaps it makes you feel like your concerns aren’t being heard and considered? So maybe you both could try writing a letter to each other or having a set time where you both can talk and be open for a certain amount of minutes and the other sits and listens and in turn the other does the same. Sometimes these exercises can encourage us to really listen and be thoughtful to the others needs and words. I do hope you have/had an amazing time with your friend! Take care

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Hello,
I can understand that you sometimes question yourself when you feel so different from others. But just because the majority of people does things a certain way doesn’t make it right, and doesn’t make you wrong.
Love has so many layers and levels, there are many different kinds of love. And also every person loves a bit differently in their own way. You don’t necessarily need to put a label on your love (like platonically or romantically). There are no real rules for relationships as long as everybody is okay with it and nobody comes to harm.
I do think though that it would be a good idea to talk to your partner about your insecurities. He might reassure you that everything is okay. Opening up about this to him also creates more trust between you two.

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Hey friend,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this here. I feel so much of your words here, and all of this guilt, these doubts that are interfering with the way you connect with your boyfriend. It’s hard when we don’t fall into the “common” categories of identities – by common, I mean the ones that we are generally told and learn about when we are young, but of course not necessarily what is representative of people’s actual experiences.

I am myself very close to asexuality, and only really experience romantic sentiments for the man I love. I feel exactly the same way you do, even though it’s from a reversed perspective – this weight that society puts on us for being a certain way, this idea that if two people aren’t intimate then they’re not in a relationship, etc. Its hard to fear that my partner could think I don’t love him just because I don’t desire him. But beyond that the most difficult is this recurring voice of guilt that starts to sing its song in my mind, that I am failing my partner, that I am not responding to his needs, that fundamentally I am not enough for him. My partner could tell me a hundred times that I am, the problem would still reside between me and myself. Between my expectations of myself, who I think I should be for him. Because ultimately it really is about this: all of the “should” that we have in mind, most of the time unsaid, silent, almost very sneaky. It destroys us and puts a barrier between us and the people who love us.

What are your own “should/shouldn’t” when it comes to your relationship with your boyfriend? If he were to tell you that he loves you just as you are, what would be the first thought you’d have in your mind that would contradict his own truth? There may be a lot of things there that are actually not yours, but from the way you’ve been educated, the culture you live in, etc. Things that are not you, beliefs that don’t have to be a part of your relationship with your boyfriend. I’d like to invite you to explore and acknowledge all of these beliefs behind your way to think, and to ask yourself if that is something you actually believe in and/or want in your life or not. There is a lot of freedom to find by getting rid, little by little, of all the inherited beliefs that we never asked for.

On a different note, maybe it could be interesting to discuss with your partner about love languages. You may not feel romantic feelings, but you do know attachment, intimacy, connection. These are all extensions of love, different ways to feel it. It doesn’t have to be about something cheesy or overly romantic. Quality time, gifts, words of affection for example can be ways to express love between you two. What you feel for your boyfriend, whether it’s in the shape of romanticism is still very valid, real, and certainly not less impactful or important than any other relationship. Words to describe your very own experience and relation are going to be found, slowly. For now, maybe it’s all about experiencing all of this, without necessarily naming it? Feeling connected, being present to one another, without having to fall into any specific category. That actually may be a very pure definition of love right there. Nothing to ever be ashamed of.

You are not failing your partner, friend. You are simply trying to figure out how to verbalize the way you feel. It’s okay if it takes some time. Somehow, this vocabulary hasn’t been provided to you at first. So take all the time you need, and please know that your experiences, the reality of your relationship, are absolutely valid and whole just as they are. :hrtlegolove:

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hello everyone, thank you all for the replies. i really appreciate them!!

him and i had a talk a few days ago about our relationship, and while i didnt have the courage to bring that particular thing up yet, i feel a lot better now about it all. i’m hoping that those feelings of deception will go away with some time, but if they do not, i will absolutely bring it up to him!

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Are you attracted to your boyfriend?