Hey friend,
Thank you so much for sharing all of this here. I feel so much of your words here, and all of this guilt, these doubts that are interfering with the way you connect with your boyfriend. It’s hard when we don’t fall into the “common” categories of identities – by common, I mean the ones that we are generally told and learn about when we are young, but of course not necessarily what is representative of people’s actual experiences.
I am myself very close to asexuality, and only really experience romantic sentiments for the man I love. I feel exactly the same way you do, even though it’s from a reversed perspective – this weight that society puts on us for being a certain way, this idea that if two people aren’t intimate then they’re not in a relationship, etc. Its hard to fear that my partner could think I don’t love him just because I don’t desire him. But beyond that the most difficult is this recurring voice of guilt that starts to sing its song in my mind, that I am failing my partner, that I am not responding to his needs, that fundamentally I am not enough for him. My partner could tell me a hundred times that I am, the problem would still reside between me and myself. Between my expectations of myself, who I think I should be for him. Because ultimately it really is about this: all of the “should” that we have in mind, most of the time unsaid, silent, almost very sneaky. It destroys us and puts a barrier between us and the people who love us.
What are your own “should/shouldn’t” when it comes to your relationship with your boyfriend? If he were to tell you that he loves you just as you are, what would be the first thought you’d have in your mind that would contradict his own truth? There may be a lot of things there that are actually not yours, but from the way you’ve been educated, the culture you live in, etc. Things that are not you, beliefs that don’t have to be a part of your relationship with your boyfriend. I’d like to invite you to explore and acknowledge all of these beliefs behind your way to think, and to ask yourself if that is something you actually believe in and/or want in your life or not. There is a lot of freedom to find by getting rid, little by little, of all the inherited beliefs that we never asked for.
On a different note, maybe it could be interesting to discuss with your partner about love languages. You may not feel romantic feelings, but you do know attachment, intimacy, connection. These are all extensions of love, different ways to feel it. It doesn’t have to be about something cheesy or overly romantic. Quality time, gifts, words of affection for example can be ways to express love between you two. What you feel for your boyfriend, whether it’s in the shape of romanticism is still very valid, real, and certainly not less impactful or important than any other relationship. Words to describe your very own experience and relation are going to be found, slowly. For now, maybe it’s all about experiencing all of this, without necessarily naming it? Feeling connected, being present to one another, without having to fall into any specific category. That actually may be a very pure definition of love right there. Nothing to ever be ashamed of.
You are not failing your partner, friend. You are simply trying to figure out how to verbalize the way you feel. It’s okay if it takes some time. Somehow, this vocabulary hasn’t been provided to you at first. So take all the time you need, and please know that your experiences, the reality of your relationship, are absolutely valid and whole just as they are. 