Sometimes when you confront and admit your monster

[HeartSupport_Fans]

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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Monsters by Shinedown
sometimes when you confront and admit your monsters, you become them. especially when your demons are all you have. as is the case with me. my life has been one of constant struggle, survival, trauma, anger, resentment, abuse, addictions, etc. you are your demons, as much as they are you. sometimes the battle reaches a standstill. it reaches a point in which even death can’t sway either side. coming from someone with countless suicide attempts, each one more creative and elaborate than the last. there exists point in which you fall into a hole where there is no bottom. I gave up trying to off myself long ago. instead I made peace and got to know my demons, and since no real person has ever accepted my and loved me as a friend or lover likely for fear of me acting on my ideations. I ended up falling away from myself and ended up “romantically involved” with my demons. in a dark, twisted way I began to love myself. then I began to fix myself and move forward, with the understanding that if no one ever loved, accepted, or understood me my demons would. they would have my back when no else would dare to. this is when my addictions really came into their own and fully controlled my life, and I let them. sex(porn), drugs, and rock and roll defined my existence and still do. granted, I have a leash on them and have learned how to reign myself in before I go too far, except in rare cases when my emotions get the better of me. until I eventually suppressed and disassociated myself from those too, as they are unreliable and have gotten me in trouble before. I am literally a shell who only knows how to exist. life holds no meaning for me anymore, and im not sure if it ever did. I literally spend my entire day holed up in my apartment and never leave. I don’t interact with people not because I don’t trust myself, but them instead. in this world where everyone is out for themselves, you question: who can you trust? and imagine in that very real scenario trying to reach out for help, but stop for fear of very confidential information being blasted out for everyone to hear, especially on social media. now everyone knows your business and proceeds to tell you what they think instead of trying to understand where you’re coming from. then when giving unsolicited advice fails, the cyber/irl bullying starts. then come the regret and soon after the suicidal ideations. and so the toxic cycle repeats itself ad infinitum.

[crisbris]

I want to thank you for sharing all this with us, even after having such ugly experiences online. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially when they’re being vulnerable. It takes a special kind of courage to still be vulnerable after having been bullied for it in the past.

The loneliness that you put into your words is a heavy burden to bear. I am so sorry you have to bear it. It can get so dark both out there and inside of us that it’s most justified to feel a desperate need for comfort, even if that comfort is the misery inside. It’s always “there for you”, it’s predictable, it won’t turn you away. It’s familiar. Demons become friends and misery becomes a blanket of thorns.

They’re not your friends and the thorns are venomous.

Demons fulfil a role for you. They’re there to “take care” of you, to ease the pain of life when that pain is too much for you alone to carry. But they do so in a way that creates more pain, more misery in the long-term. Not only that, but they can slowly become the only way of coping, pushing out healthier options.

They CAN but they don’t NEED to!

Those other options never, ever go away, not even when you’ve not met them in your entire life. Like a muscle that’s not been trained for decades, they wither but they never fall off. Like kindness, for example. While kindness received and given to others is a bit more complex to summon, you always have the option of being kind to yourself. Always. If you relapse, when you’re alone and isolated, you might tell yourselves things along the lines of “I’m worthless…I hate myself”. You could say “it’s okay, I’m human. I forgive myself. I love myself”. Even if you don’t believe it. Especially if you don’t believe it. Because you know what? It’s the demons that don’t want to hear any of that, not your deepest self. Down inside, everybody needs and wants love, and above all, love from ourselves to ourselves.

Keep on carrying that burden with your head up high, your heart is getting stronger at every step of the way. Every now and then, when you feel prepared, open it to yourself.

With all the love you deserve,
Cris