Starting all over again

So yesterday was my 70th day without using self injury, and then I relapsed.

I should be proud that I got that far- that I made it so long, but every time I think about how I have to reset my timer I get hit with a wave of emotions.

Why did I have to do it? Why was I so stupid to use that way of coping?

I know it’s not possible but I just wish I didn’t self injure. It’s just starting over again, I just wish I didn’t follow through.

Why didn’t I just talk to a friend? Why didn’t I just calm down? Why did I do it?

I feel ashamed that I made it so far and I once again have fallen.

I made a lot of progress but now this is just another stone added to the pile of things I have to work through.

I feel ashamed and guilty that I did this.

Recently I have been so easily angered and frustrated. I’ve been so mad at certain people for not listening- for not understanding the truths, but here I am.

I know I’m loved, I know I’m worthy of good, I don’t believe I have failed others besides my parents.

I believe a lot of my struggles are internal and with myself- like I’m not good enough for myself and I’ve failed myself by relapsing. I’m still struggling a lot with self worth- I take a lot and I put it on myself. A lot of the times it is well if I would have done one thing than this negative would be have happened. I put it on myself.

I was good at talking to others when I am struggling but I’ve been so overcome with anger that I just took it out on myself.

I just feel ashamed of myself.

Lys im sorry - fhank you for being brave enough to post about this. When i relapse it takes me days to admit to it and come to terms with it. Its the wordt feeling ever, but you arent stupid. We will continue to love you and support you through this. As much as i beat myself up the same way when i do relapse - people tell me its not a failure and not to see it that way… Instead see it as something to learn from. Sometimes it helps when they say that… Love you Lys.

Hold Fast


Hey Lys,

One of the best things I’ve been told in my recovery group is that “relapse is part of recovery”. When I come to group week after week and report “I relapse on this day and that day,” I expect to feel the weight of disappointment, but I’m continuously met with…“THIS IS A PROCESS, and it’s okay.” It’s so healing to bring your shame into the light so it can be obliterated by love.

The process of recovery isn’t actually about you “getting clean” – it’s about you getting HEALED. And cycling from relapse into shame and pummeling yourself isn’t particularly helpful for the latter bit of that, haha.

How can you be kind to yourself? How can you receive forgiveness? How can you receive love? How can you give yourself permission to be where you’re at, to be IN PROCESS?

For me, I journal and pray and receive God’s love afresh – I re-center on those truths that you wrote but really feel into them…I let my heart and my soul receive the love I know is ever-present for me. My tendency after I relapse is to speed up – to go faster and try to accomplish more to overwrite the failure I just created. So part of my post-relapse kindness to myself is to slow down…to take a breath…to not dive back into producing producing producing…

If your immediate reaction is ANGER – how can you be kind to yourself? How can you pause after relapse and just bless yourself, and be nice to yourself, be sweet to yourself?

Re-center and feel the love that’s ever-present to you
Slow down and be kind to yourself
REMEMBER – this is a process…the goal is to get healed, not to get clean.



Thanks guys; appreciate you both.


Like Nate said, healing is a process.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret that no one really knows. Maybe I’ve shared it with you. I don’t remember. But I went 7 or 8 years without cutting. And last spring, in the middle of a trying time, I caved in. Yes. That happened. My first thoughts were disbelief. Like, really? Not in a shameful way, but more so because I was shocked that that is what I had resorted to. However, the reasons for doing it in this particular circumstance were different than the reasons I had done it in the past. In the past, I oftentimes had cut in order to “punish myself” because I felt worthless. This time, I did it out of frustration due to God seemingly not answering a prayer that I continuously prayed. (I needed a counselor and every freakin avenue I tried turned into a dead end). Finally one day, I “snapped” in my frustration and cut. It was more of an impulsive thing. Truth be told, a small part of me did it in order to “show” God how desperate I was for him to provide someone.

My point being, Nate is right about healing being a process. On this side of Heaven, due to our fallen nature (meaning everyone has sin, the capacity to do “wrong” and things that don’t please God), there is always the potential for relapse. While we hope this doesn’t happen, sometimes, as you know, it does.

In the time from when I had last cut, God had healed me of the desire to cut myself in order to punish myself. I’m not saying that because my reasons were different, that is was okay. But I’m saying that I can see my growth from when I had cut in the past.

In addition, I cut one other time this past spring; in total these were within a one or two week period. The third time, I WAS going to do it because I did feel unworthy and ashamed due to something I had done. The thing is RIGHT BEFORE I was going to cut, I heard this voice in my head say, “I love you more than you’ll ever know.” And I put the razor down. I knew that God was intervening. I couldn’t cut. Since then, I haven’t been able to do it again because I remember God’s faithfulness.

So, not only did this recent experience show me the ways in which God’s healed me. But it also caused me to see God’s astounding love for me in a moment of weakness. That in and of itself is healing.

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