Still here, still struggling

[kikorangi_ruru]

i kinda disapeared from here for a while. was pretty sick with covid for a while, took a while to recover from that. then the longer i stayed away from here, the harder it was to open up that door again. i kept almost making a post, or watching a livestream, but then start to panic about what people might ask about why i hadnt been around. feeling guilty about not making progress on stuff. i told myself id ujst wait til i had something good to share, to distract from the bad stuff by talking about a success. except i havent been making progress. if anything im slipping furthar and furthar away. feel like all the other parts of me are eroding away, just leaving the tired and stressed and anxious and depressed bits. things that used to work arent working anymore. i try to start a creative project and 2 minutes later i want to stop. i mask it at work, then by the time im home im just exhausted from holding it together. feeling like a fraud cause so many things i said i was going to do i failed at. house is still a mess. im still overweight. still barely sleeping. hardly getting out ofbed on days i dont have work. i dont have the brain energy to make goals or plans, it all goes into being good enough to work. theres nothing left after that. just writing this has taken over an hour so far. i wake up in the morning already anxious about whatver i need to do that day, and at night i go to bed despising myself for failing again. i dont see a light at the end of this. im numb to the “one step at a time” cliches. tired of dragging myself through this life. like that greek myth with sisyphus pushing that same boulder up the hill only for it to roll back down before the next day. whats the point?

theres more in my head, that i havent written about here yet, but im too tired tokeep writing tonight. its toomuch

[Aardvark]

Hi kikorangi_ruru,
thank you so much for reaching out to us and write about your struggles and worries.
Seems like you have much on your heart right now, to talk about it, is a very good first step.
i think in everyones life is the point where you feel stuck and don’t see what you achieved or see a
progress forward.
You are sharing your worries right now, that is also progress. it takes energy and strength to do that.
Have you considered a therapy or self help group for you ? or our action groups would be an interesting
place for you. Set yourself little steps or goals that you make and write things down, then you will see your
progress a bit better. Don’t feel guilty about it. No one is judging you here. So don’t panic.
We are happy that you are here and posting. It takes courage also. So be proud for doing it.
You can always come here, you are always welcome be sure. We care because you and all the
people out there are worth it. You matter my friend.
Have a nice day and feel hugged,
Greetings

[kikorangi_ruru]

i looked into action groups a few months ago but there werent any open ones that happened at a time that i could join. i was doing therapy for a little while but there was only a limited number of free sessions, and then you had to pay after that, and i couldnt afford it. i live in small-town nz, there’s not really much options out here.

[DiscordReply]

From: Who.is

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re struggling to get through day to day. Every small achievement is worth celebrating. Even if you self validate it for a minute or two or you share it with us. It doesn’t have to be about running marathons or climbing mountains, sometimes those mountains take the form of brushing your teeth at the end of a long day or cleaning one section of your room.
Take a moment to tell yourself you did it! That you’re allowed to be proud of yourself.

I’m going to link in some resources for you if you’d like to look through them. If not that’s okay too, I just wanted to make sure you have the options available. It’s even got the free text line on there if you really just need someone in the moment to just talk to.

no pressure, but it’s there if you need Mental health and wellbeing – where to get help | Ministry of Health NZ

[DiscordReply]

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey friend, I am so very happy that you have posted and by the way from reading what you have written about how you feel, this my friend is progress and I am so proud of you for finding the courage to do this. It is so hard to get to a point where you fear contacting people because you dont feel worthy, you feel that you have not done enough or are enough. Friend you are always enough, you are more than worthy and you matter very much in this community. I am sorry you have stuggled on your own and I wish you had been able to reach out before and that we could have supported you through all of it but you are here now and we are here when ever you need us. You are an amazing person who is loved greatly. welcome back friend. Much Love Lisa. x

[StarFox]

Hello there,

Was it helpful to be in the streams? Give yourself some grace and try to come back to the community. We are all struggling with something and we need to help each other. There’s no shame in coming back and everyone will be so happy to see you.

You are strong. You are enough. You are valid. You matter.

-StarFox

[DiscordReply]

From: Dr OoOoOoo​:ghost:garth

Hi kikorangi_ruru,

The first thing that struck me about your post is your fear of judgement on the Wall and during streams. That makes me very sad to hear. I don’t think anyone would feel anything but sympathy and understanding for you; I think many would identify with trying and trying but feeling like they’re not getting to where they want. Please keep the door to us open. No one expects anything from you and if the news you have is that you’re still trying, we’ll still be proud of you.

So much of what you describe resonates with my experience of depression, particularly about not being able to start creative projects; it’s a very hopeless and frustrating place. For me, my last depression I couldn’t get out of alone, I needed to start taking medication again. If this has been how you are feeling for a while, I would urge you to reach out to your doctor (I call them a GP, but I’m not sure if that’s what you’d say in NZ). They may have more options for you to explore. You don’t deserve to feel this way and it’s not fair, but everyday you keep trying is progress. Progress isn’t a milestone, it’s getting through each day, each hour; going to work, getting out of bed.

You matter my friend x

[Micro]

Hey @kikorangi_ruru,

It’s good to see you here, jut as you are. Please know that there isn’t any specific expectation that anyone could put on you here. Of course, when we care about someone we want them to thrive and feel better when life is hard. But progressing and healing is not a requirement to connect with one another. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to say it. I’m glad you’ve managed to open that door again, because it is always open no matter what.

You are not failing because you are here today. First off by connecting and reaching out again, by expressing your vulnerability, you have succeeded in achieving a major step. It may not feel that way, but really you’ve managed to overcome a lot of worries and fears that have been holding you back from reaching out for a while. I truly commend you for walking through these fears and anxiety, and giving yourself the benefit of the doubt by being here.

What you describe in your post reminds me of how deep I was in depression a bit more than a year ago. There is a point when no matter how much we want to do things, it just feels like the energy is gone. There is this invisible veil between us and the rest of the world, this heaviness that we constantly carry with us that makes us feel like we’re on constant survival mode. It is not necessarily just a matter of willingness there. It would be unfair to not give yourself the grace that you need, to not take in account the circumstances that you’re in right now. Exhaustion, depression, anxiety – all of these affect our energy, our physicality, our ability to handle daily life. The “smallest” things become a real chore, so we end up just functioning for the bare minimum more and more.

Is this emotional state something you’ve discussed already with a doctor or a therapist? You may need a medical assessment just to receive some feedback regarding how you feel right now, and eventually discuss potential crutches to help you (therapy, medications, maybe even a medical leave, etc.). You are allowed to reach out for help, to say that something isn’t functioning the way it should. It’s not your fault, friend. We live in a world that constantly sells us the magic of willpower and self-empowerment, but when it’s about mental health we need to be careful with these ideas, as there are circumstances that we don’t necessarily control and can affect us biologically. I know – we all know here – that you are trying and you are so willing to keep trying. Little by little, as usual, I believe in you and in your ability to get there. You are not alone and we are here to support you through it all – the victories, the good, but also the lows and difficult times. It’s all part of the same journey, the same story, and you are loved unconditionally, no matter where you’re at on your personal journey.

You are loved so very dearly.

[kikorangi_ruru]

its not that i was afraid of judgement from this community, im sorry if i made it seem like that. its hard to explain, it was more the thought of needing to navigate through questions. the “how have you been?” and “what have you been up to?” or “how’s it going with…?”. i end up with all the possible questions, and al the posible ways i could answer, all racing around in my head, analyzing the possiblities andd trying to figure out the right path and i ust end up going in circles and its exhausting. and then its just easier to not say anything at all. im sorry, i know it doesnt make sense, nothing makes sense in my head. its just this hurricane of trying to figure out what to say or do, or what i should have said or done diffrently, and its exhausting and paralyzinbg and if i just decide to stay quiet then it gives me this tiny little break, just this little window of time where i dont have to deal with something.

i dont know, maybe part of me is worried about what people will think. like if its just attention seeking, or that i need to stop making excuses, or being lazy, or whatever. or that im just too broken. i do have thoughts like that sometimes, i try to stop, because i know its not true, but they keep sneaking into my thoughts anyway.

i am currently on medication for depression, which yes probly needs to be looked at, but i can’t get in to see my dr until next february, she’s all booked up until then, and none of the other drs in my area are accepting new patients. im not physically sick, not in danger of hurting myself or others, so i dont count as an emergency or urgent.

therapy i did for a while, but ive already done all the free sessions that im qualified for, and cant afford to pay for more. crises lines are underfunded and understaffed, so they focus on helping the serious cases. if you aren’t in imediate danger of hurting yourself or others then they just tell you to see a dr.

work is the one thing getting me out of bed, the one thing im actually doing right at the moment, i cant take leave, i wouldnt have anything left to hold on to.

i know it all sounds like excuses, im sorry. i dont want to be like this. i really dont. i want to be a decent person who can actually contribute to society instead of just being a drain on it, wasting space and resources.

[Micro]

It makes sense, @kikorangi_ruru. What you describe is absolutely logical, and I believe something that many can relate to. A year ago or so, when I was unemployed, very depressed and feeling like being completely stuck in my life, I’d avoid by any mean the possible interactions with my partner’s family. I was aware that they knew about my situation and they would never judge me in a wrong way, but I was fearing so much the questions like: “how are you doing?”, “how is it going with job search” and whanot. I remember at a Christmas dinner, while we were meeting some people that were completely new, we were all invited to present ourselves (ugh). My response to my job situation was “it’s complicated” just to put a bit of humor there, but doing this was so anxiety-inducing. I hated it. People naturally want to catch up on the time we didn’t interact, but it puts sometimes so much pressure on us because of the way we feel about our own situation. It’s not intended to be stressful, but it can be as a result. Again, it completely make sense to worry about those things. We look forward to them so much more when we feel proud of ourselves, or more accomplished.

I’m sorry that you can only see your doctor next month. It’s going to be some time to wait unfortunately, but it’s really good that you have this appointment scheduled. Sometimes a slight change in our medication can make a big difference. At least, it’s never to be underestimated.

You’re completely right about crisis resources. It’s definitely not a replacement to therapy and is made for very specific situations. I see that you have already looked at Action Groups before, which is of course not a replacement for therapy either, but could be an interesting way to be supported and encouraged through little steps. You’ve mentioned that the groups schedules don’t match with your own time. Is there any of them that could match eventually? (without taking care of whether they are open or closed). Because if so, I can check in directly with the lead and see if they can actually have a new member in. Generally, attendance change over time and public schedules may not be updated precisely all the time (we try as much as possible though). The times on Discord directly are fully updated:

• TUESDAY - 1AM UTC
• MONDAY - 6PM UTC
• TUESDAY - 7PM UTC
• FRIDAY - 1AM UTC

If none of these above could match, what would be the times that you would be available? This could definitely be a suggestion for a new Lead/new group.

It doesn’t sound like excuses at all, and I completely understand for the need to work. I tend myself to be a workaholic and use at a way to survive when I am struggling. It gives some kind of goals, a sense of routine and purpose. I’m sorry I completely dismissed this possibility at first. If works is a good asset to you right now, then that is good!

You’re not a waste of resources at all. You’re a human being going through a rough time and trying to figure out ways to help themselves. It doesn’t come instantly. It’s okay.

[kikorangi_ruru]

i might be able to make the tuesday one work, i think. last time when i looked they werent taking on any new people but discord says its open now? it would be 8am wednesday, my time, maybe it would be good to have something to get up for in the morning. the monday one would be too early, and the other 2 would be when i leave for work.

i dont know, im really nervous about talking on voice, i get stuck on words, and say the wrong thing, or i take to long to figure out what to say. i have some audio processing issues, so sometimes its hard to listen properly and sometimes i have to ask people to repeat themselves especially if someine is talking fast or jumping between topics. i dont want that to be a problem for anyone.

i should try though i think, i should at least try. i think maybe it would be good to have people to talk to if i can manage it.

i cant this week because its school holidays here in nz, so my work hours are diffrent, but next week its back to normal.

[busta]

hey friend! I can get you added into the tuesday Action Group if you’d like to try it out. Don’t worry about having to use your mic or camera, it’s not required at all!! lots of people in our Groups are only comfortable using text, and that’s just as valid as anyone that wants to use their mic…so don’t let the voice chat keep you from joining a group. we want to make sure everyone is comfortable with their own level and style of communication. I’ll shoot you a DM to follow up

[Aardvark]

give it a try, they will welcome you and happy that you are there.
go with your own pace, and be sure if something is not clear to you, they explain you properly.
there is no judging, only kidness and understanding be sure.
have a wonderful day and feel hugged,
Greetings