Still on the fence

Haven’t added anything in a while… Things are getting better, somehow. I think sometimes I feel like doing things and changing my rutine a little more, and I’m proud of it. Thing is my ex promised she’d talk to me again and there’s less than a month left to choose what to do.

She said we can be friends but doesn’t wanna date me again. I feel like she completely gave up on me back when I needed her. But I still have feelings for her and I don’t know what to do about this.

I keep wishing I was dead and truly regret not having killed myself when I had the chance.

I miss her but I don’t know if I should give her the chance to talk to me again after she refused to when I actually needed her here and when I didn’t have a crisis every time I think about her. I cry like there’s no tomorrow when I think about this.

HOW am I supposed to choose. What must I do. How can I forgive a person who though I was trying to manipulate her when she already knew I am suicidal, that I could start hating myself if she left.

How am I supposed to trust someone who ghosted me?

And I could just never talk to her again, but then I’ll always cry and never feel like it’s over. I just wish I could move on and never be with anyone at all again. I hate my life, I hate myself and I just know for sure now that a suicidal person can’t possibly be with anyone, because everyone runs away when they see the ugly side of it. I’m tired. I just wish I didn’t exist at all.


Hello @Mtelltaleheart,

If you are posting about your experiences here, then I believe that you do wish to have other people be around you but feel as though that your brushes with suicidal topics will keep other people from wanting to be around you. While there are those out there who shun and/or think poorly of persons with mental illnesses, everyone is not ignorant, and the individuals who are understanding and accepting of who you are are the ones worth having around in your life.

However, due to the personal connection that you have with your prior partner, I do think that you should at least talk to her about this all again – while remaining calm yet assertive – for closure’s sake, even if they come across as ignorant.

I hope all goes well and that you feel free to post updates here if you want.




I can understand why you feel that she gave up on you, but consider that she may have given up on her own ability to provide the support that you needed. In fact, she might’ve been concerned that she might make things worse for you.

It is true, when people talk about suicide, it often freaks others out, then the ghosting occurs.

You indicated that you were trying to manipulate her. Because of that, can there be any doubt that she would consider your talk of suicide to be in another attempt to manipulate? Just about everyone except professionals, and even a great number of those, lack confidence in their ability to deal with a suicidal person. That makes it even more understandable that she would be afraid to take on responsibility for your mental well-being.

I can relate to your desperately wanting her back, but is it fair to entrap her with threats of suicide? Are you willing to deprive her of her own free will just so you can have her?

As Anonymous_User1 as indicated, a history of feeling suicidal is not likely to convince decent people that they should avoid you. I believe that very few people on this planet haven’t entertained thoughts of suicide at one time or another.

When I was younger I had similar fears, not only about others knowing that I had felt suicidal (I did make an attempt), but also much of my history was such that I believe that people knew about it, they would be afraid of how mentally screwed up I might be.

However, I did find myself getting close enough to a few people that I trusted them with my past. Every one of them was accepting and empathetic.

Just the same, I would be careful with whom I would share such information, because there are those who might shame you or reject you because of it.

I heard a joke one time, “anyone in this world who isn’t crazy, ought to have their head examined.” Truly, as far as I can tell, everyone has mental health challenges they have to work on and manage. Depression and anxiety are the most common issues, as far as I know.

I think talking to her again would be of benefit to both of you, but not if you approach her in a state of emotional overload. Wait until you know that you can talk to her from a heart of genuine compassion. That doesn’t mean that you will win her over, but it will enable both of you to let go of your pain.

Not long after I met my wife to be, I spent days telling her about my past, all the trauma and mental illness my family, the abuse I was subjected to, my suicidality, etc. To my amazement, she still wanted to be with me. I think when you meet the right person, it’ll work out.

How can you forgive her? Withdraw your judgment of her, as she made the only choice she felt was possible. Realize that without your uninformed judgment, she did nothing that needs to be forgiven.

While you are at it, cancel out all of the negative judgments that you have made about yourself. Yes, you have made mistakes and you have made some decisions based on raw emotional impulses. However, you were doing your best. You can’t do better than your best, but your best continues to get better as you grow in wisdom.

It’s much easier to forgive others when you have forgiven yourself. If you are unfair to yourself and withhold self forgiveness, forgiving others is much harder.

Wishing you peace and happiness, Wings

I don’t want to trap her, I just want to fucking die already so she never has to hear about me again
I hate myself, I hate who I am and having to deal with my stupid suicidal behavior

I just want to end this so nobody ever has to see me again because I only hurt people and she demonstrated I can’t be loved no matter what, people always abandon me when I need them the most and no matter how nice I am to them.

I just want to get over with this bullshit I hate myself and I clearly should’ve never given myself the chance to fall for anyone at all.


Hello @Mtelltaleheart,

I am sorry to hear that you are being hard on yourself for how your prior partner responded to your suicidal feelings. There is no shame in struggling with mental illness, and even though some individuals may not understand how to interact with those who struggle with such a thing, there are some individuals out there who do. Please keep that in mind and give yourself more patience when it comes to finding connections with such people.




I don’t see how that’s worth it. I’ve tried to make friends but it’s been hell ever since I got out of high school, and when I finally thought life was getting better she ghosted me and then abandoned me for being attached to her.
I have no way of not being attached to people. I literally don’t care for my own life because I hate it, and the people in my life make it better, but after she left it just seems useless.
I wish I had killed myself when I had the chance to so nobody had to deal with me ever again.d


Your prior partner clearly means the world to you, though it seems that you have lost sight of the value of yourself in holding on to her departure from your life. As sad as it may be, people come and go, and those who go cannot be replaced. However, both yourself and the other connections in your life who, as you said, make your life better, are also irreplaceable. I believe that being more patient with yourself will, in time, allow you to appreciate that truth, as well as realize that those who have come and gone are never truly gone, for your memories of your past experiences with them are always with you.


If anything, she demonstrated that in your current mental state, she might make things worse for both of you. She also demonstrated her willingness to care before she began to feel overwhelmed.

Consider the difference between feelings and facts. Feelings create filters in our vision, and quite often, the filter only allows negativity to be perceived. For example, if you are upset with someone, that’s a feeling, but because of it, you aren’t likely to see, hear, or remember anything they’ve done that’s been positive.

Similarly, your current filter (we all have one) is preventing you from perceiving a more accurate and balanced view of yourself.

Imagine that you met someone who existed in similar circumstances and had the same mental health challenges as you. Would you condemn that person? Would you tell that person they should be hating themself? Would you overlook every good thing about that person?

Apply a version of the “Golden rule” to yourself: treat yourself as you would treat others.

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That’s the thing, I don’t want these memories I just wish I could never have to feel again because I feel too much, it’s a nightmare.

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The only fact is she would’ve stayed if she cared at all and that I simply can’t deal with people at all cuz I can’t even be nice to myself, I should be dead and that’s the only thing that matters

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Healing is possible, but you have to allow yourself to process your pain in order for a recovery of any sort to begin. Do not be afraid to lean on your other relationships for support; they are not identical to the one that you had with your prior partner. At the same time, please understand that not everyone is a professional in handling mental-health matters – there is a limit to what people can do. The same goes for yourself. Expecting yourself to have already moved past all of the emotions that you have been feeling is unfair to you. Progress is slow, yet slow progress is still progress. You just have to let yourself take a first step toward change, and that first step is accepting that your life can become better than it is now.

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Is it? Could it be that at this time, you still matter, but all you can currently believe is that you don’t? Is it possible that there is more to learn, more to care about, and more opportunities to share love?

Suspend the despair for a moment, as you ask yourself that question.

It sounds like you are in crisis. You have nothing to lose by calling 988, or texting 741741. Please know that there are people who are willing to care about you, and there will be in the future.

Hey mtelltaleheart, I just wanted to ask firstly have you still been working with your therapist?

I know that it’s been a very hard few months of missing your ex and really wishing things were different.
Your heart and your hurt are things that are valid and deserve to be worked through with someone who can really help you start the healing journey, especially if you’re having ideas of suicide.

I know that it’s hard to reconcile someone leaving and feeling like we want them to be there for us, but when it comes to self preservation and taking care of one’s self, sometimes people aren’t equipped to handle other’s burdens. And that’s also okay, it’s very important to try to differentiate the thoughts that people would think you deserve to be hurt if they aren’t able to come along side you and carry that hurt with you.

And that also why I believe you have worth above and beyond this relationship. You deserve to be alive because nobody else can define your worth. I would very much encourage reaching out to the number provided or to your therapist


No. I should be over this, I should be doing other things and finally getting out of my house but nooo I had to get stuck because my ex left and I’m too stupid and suicidal to do anything productive at all. Now I’ve lost my scholarship and truly need to get out of my house cuz my family can’t stand me and I couldn’t even kill myself so nobody had to deal with me at all ever again

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If my life did matter people around me would care more about me than try to force me to do things I’m not ready to do or that I don’t want to do. If my life mattered my family would not get mad at me for crying every once in a while. If I mattered at all I wouldn’t have been abandoned by almost every person I’ve met in the past five years after they hear I’m suicidal.

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Yes, I’m still working with my therapist, but we decided to focus on other topics in my life that seem to be even worse, cuz honestly my family’s of no help, I can’t seem to bring myself to focus on getting a job bc it makes me anxious and I truly need to get out of this house, and the only people who give a fuck about me are my friends who have already got too much on their hands too.

So, I don’t know, my ex was one of the very few good people and things I had in life and I was actually moving forward when she was part of my life. Now I can’t even think about her without having a crisis and the only reason why my life is moving is to forget her, which is stupid and unfair.

But I guess this is what I get for making the mistake of believing anyone could even like me enough to stay despite my flaws. And for treating her like a queen because I know flaws are something to be worked on but never brought them up to her because, well, it feels bad. So I thought we could help each other a little, see each other grow, but she left. She didn’t care about me and just left.

I never matter to people around me. People barely think about me, plan things for me, message me and say “hey, wanna hang out? How are you feeling?”. My mom has even told me she doesn’t have time to worry about me.

So when my ex left it was the final straw and I realized no one truly WANTS to check on me, people just pity me and my parents just want me to be functional all the time. Really wish I was like that.