I can understand why you feel that she gave up on you, but consider that she may have given up on her own ability to provide the support that you needed. In fact, she might’ve been concerned that she might make things worse for you.
It is true, when people talk about suicide, it often freaks others out, then the ghosting occurs.
You indicated that you were trying to manipulate her. Because of that, can there be any doubt that she would consider your talk of suicide to be in another attempt to manipulate? Just about everyone except professionals, and even a great number of those, lack confidence in their ability to deal with a suicidal person. That makes it even more understandable that she would be afraid to take on responsibility for your mental well-being.
I can relate to your desperately wanting her back, but is it fair to entrap her with threats of suicide? Are you willing to deprive her of her own free will just so you can have her?
As Anonymous_User1 as indicated, a history of feeling suicidal is not likely to convince decent people that they should avoid you. I believe that very few people on this planet haven’t entertained thoughts of suicide at one time or another.
When I was younger I had similar fears, not only about others knowing that I had felt suicidal (I did make an attempt), but also much of my history was such that I believe that people knew about it, they would be afraid of how mentally screwed up I might be.
However, I did find myself getting close enough to a few people that I trusted them with my past. Every one of them was accepting and empathetic.
Just the same, I would be careful with whom I would share such information, because there are those who might shame you or reject you because of it.
I heard a joke one time, “anyone in this world who isn’t crazy, ought to have their head examined.” Truly, as far as I can tell, everyone has mental health challenges they have to work on and manage. Depression and anxiety are the most common issues, as far as I know.
I think talking to her again would be of benefit to both of you, but not if you approach her in a state of emotional overload. Wait until you know that you can talk to her from a heart of genuine compassion. That doesn’t mean that you will win her over, but it will enable both of you to let go of your pain.
Not long after I met my wife to be, I spent days telling her about my past, all the trauma and mental illness my family, the abuse I was subjected to, my suicidality, etc. To my amazement, she still wanted to be with me. I think when you meet the right person, it’ll work out.
How can you forgive her? Withdraw your judgment of her, as she made the only choice she felt was possible. Realize that without your uninformed judgment, she did nothing that needs to be forgiven.
While you are at it, cancel out all of the negative judgments that you have made about yourself. Yes, you have made mistakes and you have made some decisions based on raw emotional impulses. However, you were doing your best. You can’t do better than your best, but your best continues to get better as you grow in wisdom.
It’s much easier to forgive others when you have forgiven yourself. If you are unfair to yourself and withhold self forgiveness, forgiving others is much harder.
Wishing you peace and happiness, Wings