Still Pushing

[Shane2189]

I know I should be asleep by now but every night I find myself avoiding the void that quickly brings me to a new day filled with unknowns and the issues that come from business and school.

Next month is the 2 year anniversary of my attempted demise. I’ve come so far in such a short time. December will bring an end to my first year of law school. However, success is more importantly recognized by what a person has overcome within. What doubts, fears, and lies have I triumphed over?

I no longer crave death. I do crave peace and an escape but it is so much different when now I have hope for tomorrow. I push forward knowing I’m getting closer to my goal with every passing minute.

I learned to cope and go with the flow. I try not to sweat the things out of my control. Worry is the biggest illusory control mechanism. My philosophy on worry is to do what I can, when I can, when it is in front of me, and leave the rest for another day. That doesn’t bode well with my wife, who was just diagnosed bipolar.

My biggest issue has been the feelings of worthlessness that come from being on the receiving end of meltdowns that are inevitably accounted to my supposed faults. The lack of personal accountability leaves me a scapegoat. It is exhausting and it is a lie.
No matter how I feel in those moments, I have to remind myself that the situation and reaction is a reflection of her struggles, not my imperfections.

A week ago, I started a journal. I listed all the traits I hope to have in 5 years. Having empathy, practicing gratitude, being a good listener, and being patient and kind. Each week I chose a trait, define what it means to me, and put an action plan in place to start to cultivate that trait. I know if I stick with this, at least I can say I’m trying to be the best I can be. It is a shield against the lies that say I’m the problem.

I also learned that while she seeks help, I need to pick my battles and be gentle. Right now, I have to appeal to her disorder and it isn’t the most reasonable audience member. I will be much better off dealing with her when she is back in control. Until then I wait and I pray. Tomorrow will be better and I will be a better person.

[Micro]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here, @Shane2189. There are things that you said that are very thoughtful and particularly inspiring. Your perspective about worries and control; the importance of celebrating success in your life but especially the inner obstacles that you overcome at the same time; your progress, your perseverance, your determination, your willingness to be kind to yourself during this journey. Friend, that’s beautiful. You’ve been through a lot and now writing that very statement: “I no longer crave death” is such a victory. It’s an honor to read about how you feel in your life right now.

No matter how I feel in those moments, I have to remind myself that the situation and reaction is a reflection of her struggles, not my imperfections.

100%. Sometimes it’s objectively tough to interact with someone who struggles with bipolar disorder. I’ve been in this position with a parent and I really see what you mean with that feeling of worthlessness. As you said, you can be pointed out for perceived flaws and receiving those meltdowns can be very draining. But you are aware of the truth, at least from a rational standpoint, which is a lot! It’s a strength. Definitely something that will keep helping you and your wife in the way you interact together. With journaling as you do, maybe also reaching out when you need to, you’ll keep that sense of clarity between your thoughts and feelings. It helps tremendously to find a balance between being loving and patient, but also setting gentle boundaries sometimes.

Thank you again for sharing, friend. I wish you the best for the near and long-term future.