I’m 27 years old. Ive been battling depression and anxiety since I was about 13 years old, but I didnt know it was depression and anxiety. At first it came in small waves. Episodes lasting for no more than a few days to a week. After that everything would be fine. Then I started to notice that the episodes were lasting longer than normal. At the time, I didnt think anything of it; I was a teenager and I knew I would go through changes, so I thought it all to be normal. Fast forward to high school. I was a complete shut out. Granted I was an A and B student, I refused to make time for anyone. I had become a stone and it was easy for me to fake a smile and play along. Fast forward some more because I dont feel like writing a book. I graduated college with an associates degree moving forward to obtain a bachelors in pre-law. I entered into a law school set on getting this degree. Everything was good, I hadnt had an episode in a good while, all of my grades were A’s and on the side I was teaching myself quantam mechanics. Life was good. Then I had a bad semester. My grandmother, who was a rock in our family, passed away. I had my 3rd shoulder surgery, my parents announced their divorce.(I was 24 when all of this happened.) My grades slipped and I recieved a D in two of my classes, bringing my average down to a C+. In order to remain in the program I needed to maintain a B average. So, as you can guess, I was dropped from the program. In an effort to get back in, I submitted all of the forms that academic and financial aid required and was still denied for reentry. That was the moment it hit. I fell into a hole that seemed endless. I had lost all interest in my hobbies, social life, and my own life. I didnt sleep, I didnt eat, I was at rock bottom. And it took me having a mental breakdown in the middle of work for me to finally go and see a doctor. You may ask why I didnt see someone sooner, or why I didnt talk to my parents about it. For the longest time, I thought it was normal. Once I figured it out, I couldnt talk to my family because we werent the type of family that talks about our feelings. So, I was diagnosed with bipolar depression, major depressive disorder, and anxiety disorder. Life was, and still is, torment. My alarm goes off 3 hours before I am supposed to be at work, just so I can lay in bed and cry and get as prepared as possible to face the day, but I’m never prepared. Work is full of anxiety attacks and me just begging for all of this to come to an end. When I get home, I go straight to my room and cry myself to sleep. And the routine starts over. And so it has been for the past almost 2 years. Every night, I beg God to ensure that I do not wake up in the morning. I need peace. I have days that are like every other, all of the pain, hurt, and sorrow, these days I have grown use to. It’s the days where I wake up and can’t feel anything that are the most upsetting. I hate the feeling of numb. It makes me think of myself as a robot, incapable of human emotion. Sure, I’m not feeling the hurt, but I’d rather feel all of the hurt and sorrow than not feel anything.
I’m sorry you had gone through bad seasons. I just wanted to let you know that you are loved. You will overcome.
Man I’m so sorry for all the hardship you have had to go through. I’m sorry for the loss of your grandmother.
I can relate to that loss of interest in the things that I enjoy. And I can relate to being bipolar and the challenges that come with that diagnoses.
Friend. You are not alone. And I applaud you for reaching out and sharing your heart and the things you are going though.
I know things are hard right now but we can push through these hard times. I’m going to link you some exercises and I encourage you to consider doing them. They have been a boost to my own mind when I fall trapped to my anxiety and depression.
Friend you matter. What you are going through matters. You deserve to be heard.