Stream of consciousness journal

failed and failing some classes. was only a few quarters away from graduation. things thrown up in the air that you can’t even think about registering for spring now.
i can see it that you don’t want to go to school now and your brain needs time to reset, is what my family says. government’s giving you money and you’re so close anyway, is what another family says.

was getting help and meds for a while, then had half a month going ghost. missed one appointment then another. i remember the therapist saying acknowledging me for being present and doing something to help myself, tho that fell through. no hard feelings between us. meeting with another. thought i’d be better when i reached the point where i would have to pay money for it, but oh well. might reach the point where i won’t care anymore, and just lie prostrate for the powers that be to try to form me to something useful again.
what’s the maximum amount of damage someone can do by doing nothing? diagnosing myself with passive forms of self harm.

maybe all of this is too many words for being a girl who loved a girl, having then lost that love. having then moved away because of covid. running to her for old comfort only to feel rejected though she stubbornly refuses to exit my life. not that my worth’s supposed to be bound to other people, or what i can or cannot do anyways. no solution yet, just running away though.
it’s 2am and my brain can’t really produce academic content. if your soul’s intact let me know!!


Hi @solace. Welcome to Heart Support! You came to the right place.

I was right there with you regarding school stuff. My grades were just good enough that there was a slight bit of hope for recovering my academics. I didn’t want to be there, but I “knew” if I dropped out I would never amount to anything.

My academic career came to an end during my second attempt at an engineering degree, when I was walking to class one day, got to the building, and turned around because I knew I’d be destroyed if I walked through the doors. I went home and told my mom I couldn’t do it anymore. She said “Well, then don’t. I don’t know what you’re trying to prove, but it’s obvious to everyone you don’t want to be there and you’re miserable.” I dropped my failing classes, finished the ones I was still passing, and traded in my part-time job for an entry level career. 5 years later I took a couple more classes, then I stopped again. School will always be there when you’re ready for it.

As for the money, I walked away from a full ride in my first try at college. I didn’t realize how much money that was worth until I was leaving it behind. It was humiliating, but the reality was that no amount of scholarship money was going to fix my crippling depression. From then on I was responsible for my schooling expenses. It was hard, but it also made me appreciate my classes more–not that I did any better at them, but I no longer took them for granted or wrote off my failure as inconsequential. I don’t know what the rules are for your government tuition money. If you can pick up where you left off when you’re ready to go back to school, that’s excellent. If it’s a one-shot deal, ask yourself if the money is worth drowning in misery, and if can you make it work somehow in the future.

One big difference between you and me is that I was nowhere close to finishing my degree. My wife took off 5 years before finishing her last 5 classes though. Again, school didn’t go away. She went back on her terms and felt good about what she was doing. It took her 10 years to earn her bachelor’s degree, but she earned it. There are no timestamps on degrees–you get them when you get them, and whatever you did before or however long it took doesn’t matter.

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