On a daily basis, convincing myself to get out of bed is a huge battle. Over the years I have put on a lot of weight, I’ve become more and more unhappy with myself, to the point of, merely looking in the mirror and seeing myself looking back at me, instantly makes me hate myself and want to die.
I am autistic. I battle with bipolar disorder, PTSD, ADHD and I struggle with severe agoraphobia. My life is heavily blanketed with anxiety. For years I have battled with depression because of it and in turn have often turned to self destructive ways for comfort. I used to frequently cut myself for relief. I’ve had to be hospitalized several times due to over dosing and wanting to quit. Not knowing how to cope, it felt like the only way out. I have felt helpless and hopeless a great deal of my life.
I have learning disabilities, so I’m slow to learning and absorbing information. I struggle to understand things, so I often have to rely on someone else to help me get through every day “normal” life things. I require someone to be there and be a second ear and a spokesperson for me often, so that I have help understanding and also so others have help understanding me when I struggle to communicate.
I am unable to work because of my many issues with my emotional, mental and physical health. So taking care of myself and surviving is very hard without aid. In my recent divorce, I lost my health insurance. Meaning I had to quit all medication cold turkey. I can no longer see my doctors and my therapists. Being off medication means I battle a lot of mood swings, irritability, anxiety, depression and sleep issues. I no longer have the medications that help keep me balanced and focused, and I no longer have access to my therapist. Who specializes in helping people like myself who struggle not only with all of these mental health issues, but also autism. I have no income. My main income is the alimony from my divorce, which is not enough to survive by. So even at a discounted cost, I cannot afford to see my therapist regularly.
When I’m on my medication, I am more stable most of the time, but still battle with suicidal thoughts. Especially when I go through my more difficult days. I’ve spent a great portion of my life being suicidal. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about how useless I am. I feel like I have nothing to offer the world, my friends, my family (that is mostly non existent) or a relationship. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like a burden. I have nothing to contribute. I try to be aware that I am a danger to myself when things get bad, so I try to set up a safety plan for myself. I have a trusted person hold my medication so I don’t do something I won’t have the chance to regret. Things like guns are not in my home. And I have pushed myself to get rid of all “tools” that I use for cutting.
But it doesn’t take away from that inner pain that I fight with each day. Knowing that I have to rely on others, medication and aid from other resources in order to survive. I often feel like I dont deserve the few friends that I have. The loved ones that I hold near me. I am at a constant battle with myself to keep thriving and not let go of hope. I am at a constant battle to keep on living.
I spend a lot of time online for socializing, but that honestly can be very dangerous for me. Online is a very scary and toxic place sometimes and often there is a lack of understanding for someone like myself. For the same reason I struggle to make friends offline. I am weird. I am awkward. People don’t always understand Autism or sometimes make fun of it. There are a lot of negative slurs that go around. Being that I struggle with agoraphobia, getting out to make friends or being social is very hard on me. I am not good at communicating and keeping up with friendships. Going out to hang out is often hard as I am not always very up to it. It takes a lot of mental energy that I don’t always have. Which has caused me to be dubbed as a shitty friend many times in my life. Or considered neglectful.
I am often very lonely because it’s so hard for me to function outside in the world, whether to do things that most people do on a day to day basis, or to socialize.
Things that help me cope are channeling my energy through art. Helping others when I can online. Standing as a person who often can relate. I try to provide the same kind of help that this origination provides. By helping others, it helps me. But I am not as able to do this in person due to my inability to communicate well in person or make eye contact. I struggle with sensory sensitivity, so that often feeds into it. I am very easily overwhelmed.
I’m not sure where I am getting at here, other than sharing a little of what I battle with and how much I can relate to so many people here. That like many others I know the hurt and the battle. Some days I am able to face it. Some days I am not. But having places like this is a huge help when feeling so alone. It’s a reminder that we are not alone. It’s a small piece of hope and light. So thanks for creating a safe place for us to turn to.
There’s a lot more to be said, but I know this is really long. I’m not very good at this. If you read this, thanks for listening…