Today has been a pretty bad day. The weird thing is emotionally it wasn’t horrible. Can’t figure out what is causing my downward spiral. Been in a rebellious mood all day and end up self sabatoging and I can’t figure out why. Feel like I’m spiraling but it doesn’t make since. Don’t know the next steps to take. Been struggling with food and other stuff lately. Part of me wants to surrender these things but the larger part of me wants to stay stuck. All I know is I can’t hit rock bottom again. I don’t have the strength for that. Hoping I can continue to reach out and figure out the next steps and work through whatever is causing this spiral, that I won’t push everyone away or mess things up. Have to keep doing what I can to find hope. Need to start trying again and find grace for myself.
“Never give up, never surrender!”
I sometimes find it helpful to give myself a plan of attack for what needs to happen in my life and things that I want to get done in my life. I’ve recently got into organizing things with a bullet journal and was surprised at how good it felt to have a list that I could check things off of when I completed tasks.
I expect you have a general idea of what you want and need, and if you took each large idea you could break it down into smaller manageable tasks.
although it’s not a “larger part” of me that wants to stay stuck, there’s still a part of me. It’s the comfort that comes with being where we are and have been… I know that, the minute I hand over my self harm - I don’t have familiarity anymore… Yes, I will still have this community, and if anything, my relationship with God will strengthen…but, these have only been a part of my life for a little over a year, compared to my addiction which has been my whole life - it’s terrifying… What comes next? How will I cope? It’s all so scary.
Saying that… In this community, I’ve made some very very strong relationships, and have started to learn to hand control of things over to those people in times I can’t keep myself safe… It took one step at a time, and honestly, yea, I still argue and shout at those people, but, the way I’ve been told to look at it is, I’m CHOOSING to allow these people to have that control - and so, looking at it, I’m still technically deciding what happens, because, I didn’t have to actually ask this person.
Come and find those relationships here too - on our discord, in the live streams. You’re welcome here ALWAYS friend.
Also maybe looking into the workbook HS released on depression Dwarf Planet could be handy to you too!
https://heartsupport-merch.myshopify.com/products/send-me-a-dwarfplanet-book
Hold Fast
Kayla
@Fashionlover0191
If you would like the art that I made for you, please send me an email: [email protected]
