I’ve been married for 3 years I was exposed to pornaography when I was 5 years old! I was sexually abused and my father was a sadist. I love my wife dearly I will do so good then I’ll click on a site and boom I’m on my phone 7 to 8 hours a day and it leads to other things my wife had a bad mental health battle! Which led her to not being intamate with me and I felt was the ultimate love I got caught having inappropriate conversations with another woman I am the scum of the earth and I know I am capable of being a good person I’m fallling apart and I’m unworthy of love I lose faith often as soon as I start watching porn I stop praying and my life goes downhill and anxiety and anger comes to the surface from my abusive parents and I’ve got a one year old nephew who needs the last thing I’d never ever want Is for him to be like me
Hey Jessman, we have kind of similar stories of abuse. I literally haven’t been in this forum for a long time and I decided to log in and saw your story.
My father was sexually abusive and introduced a lot of unhealthy things into my life as well.
Unfortunately I turned to drugs, you also found a coping strategy. It’s a psychological escape.
I’d love to say I’ve been thriving since the first time I got clean, but I made some choice and relapsed a few times. But I would not be here at all if not for support. I believed in my heart like you I was unworthy and undeserving of it.
I think that we owe our child selves a lot more kindness. We weren’t and aren’t responsible for the abuse and for the results of that abuse. We do have control of our actions, but what took me a long time to realise is that addiction isn’t just something you switch off without help in some form or another.
Personally I think the scum are the people who took advantage of vulnerable children.
One day I think I’d like to find a wife and maybe even have children, but I would never have been able to begin to start healing without professional support.
It does hurt digging through the past, but it’s like a broken bone that never healed properly. Sometimes they have to rebreak it to set it so it can heal in a better way.
I know I’m not 100% okay and I’m not through it yet, but I also get it and get how hard it is and how it affects others in your life.
Hard relate on my end, @Jessman87 - you are not alone in this struggle. I recorded a video reply for you here (~6m). Check it out when you can.
-nate