I have to admit that staying sober felt so easy at first and I guess maybe because I was so concentrated on staying well after my stay at the hospital on the infamous Stress Management floor and all the alone time I got for three weeks after I got out, I wasn’t really thinking about it at all. Now my children are home, I’m trying hard to try to keep going to work so that I don’t lose my job, I am trying to get into a new home after 9 years of hell in a shitty apartment with a shitty property manager, and I’m freaking out because I feel like a damn zombie anymore to the point where I feel like I might fall into depression again. I’m anxious, I feel slightly paranoid as if there is shit crawling on me all the time, I’m exhausted even with getting plenty of rest, and I feel like my mind will not shut off about alcohol period. It’s just like at this point…
Fuck I want a drink!
I’m trying so hard to keep it off my mind, but I cannot break the ruminating. I try to distract myself with something, but if it makes my feelings flair up, I start thinking about drinking. I think I have a conditioned response to my daughter’s high pitched scream because it automatically makes me think about needing a drink. Today at work, a man was yelling at me on the phone and although I laughed it off and said out loud that I needed a cigarette, my thoughts went to a drink. This is so much harder than I imagined. One of the other things that threw me off so damn far is that when my friend came over and we started engaging in sex, I could taste and smell the beer on him and that just…ugh…I don’t even know how to describe it. It made me miss drinking. I don’t know if I’m having mental health problems or restraint issues or both. It makes it hard to gauge whether I need a med adjustment or just some damn good coping skills. I want to believe all of the anxiety and feelings are just from cravings and that I’m not actually going to get depressed. All I do right now is the thoughts of having a drink are overwhelming. And all I can do is be grateful that there’s no alcohol in my home at this very moment and that I should not step foot out of my front door. I know this is a dumb question, but how in the hell could I feel like this after being sober for 31 days 22 hours and 48 minutes?!