This is more or less a vent/rant, but I need somewhere to get this out, and I know Heart Support is a safe place, so… yeah.
A couple days ago I was involved in a little tête-à-tête with someone I used to consider a friend. We were teasing each other, playfully, about the people we like. I was teasing him about his girlfriend, and he was teasing me about the guy I like. It started off innocent enough, but then things took the worst turn possible for me.
I mentioned that I was, and am, willing to wait on the guy if it’s right. I know God has his hand on my relationship future and our current relationship as best friends, and I know better than to try to force my will on His plan. So I mentioned that, while I hope the guy I like is the one I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life, I’m keeping my options open, so to speak, so that God can tell me one way or the other if this is right. I’ve seen relationships go downhill because one party forced their will, and I’m not going to waste either of our hearts’ on something that isn’t meant to be.
The guy I was talking to took a low blow and essentially called me a player. Objectively, I understand why he said that. He doesn’t believe, and if taken from a non-Christian point of view, it does look like I’m playing the field. I understand that, but the way he said it came across as super callous and dismissive.
The reason it hit so hard is because I was used by a player. He was my best friend for 8 years, and we told each other everything. We grew up together, from 8 to 16, and I had a major crush on him. So when we kissed one day, it felt like he was finally returning my feelings. He started becoming very physically forceful with me, and started pushing for sex, and I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t stop him. I drew the line at actually having sex, but he started pushing for it more and more. Thankfully, God moved us into an entirely different state, so he no longer had access to me, and a month after we moved he stopped all contact with me.
Six months later his younger brother and mom, who were good friends with my younger brother and mom, respectively, were visiting us when his mom mentioned he had just celebrated his six-month anniversary with his new girlfriend. It turned out that, not only was their anniversary six months to the day that he stopped talking to me, but two weeks prior to us kissing for the first time, he had gotten dumped by my best girl friend. They had been dating for a year prior to her dumping him, and the worst part of that is she knew I liked him.
I didn’t go into that much detail with the guy I was in the teasing-turned-argument with, but I told him the gist of it. He didn’t respond, and later I find I’ve been kicked off his Discord server.
I know he didn’t mean to, but this guy triggered probably one of the worst depressive episodes I’ve had in almost a year, and what sucks the most is I’m two months away from my 3-year anniversary. I can’t talk to my best friend about this, because he’s the guy I like, and if I was to open up about this to him he’d figure that out, and I feel like I can’t talk to my parents because they don’t know I like him. I’d like to be able to talk to the guy who triggered this episode, but, like I said, he kicked me off his Discord server.
I made a promise to my best friend that I won’t go back to the knife or now the pills, which I’ve been clean from for almost a month, but right now I can feel myself slipping. I know that if I go back to the pills, it’s just a hop-skip-and-an-overdose before I go back to the blade, and I can’t do that to myself. I can’t do that to the people who believe in me and love me and support me. What kills me the most about this is my best friend is kind of my accountability partner but, again, I can’t tell him.
I’m stuck. I’m stuck and I’m scared and I’m trying to beat this. Tomorrow is Resurrection Sunday and I’m just praying that tomorrow will be my resurrection out of this valley, but I honestly don’t know. This episode is the worst I’ve had in months, maybe a year, and I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this yet.